Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #81

And here we have one of the earliest known celebrations of marriage equality in America, with everyone quite pleased. Except for that one guy in the upper middle, who is running for Congress in Oklahoma and has just realized that this snapshot might bode ill for his campaign.

Luckily, his mother is also in attendance (to his right, also appearing socially-uncomfortable, an apparent family trait) and she has a plan, as most mothers do. “Whatever happens, Hubbard, do not give any indication that you are enjoying the situation until the photographer leaves. I know how we can spin this.”

Hubbard: “But you look like you’re about to smile.”

Mother: “I’m old. I can blame it on a gas bubble or a prescription-drug imbalance. Now, this is our story and we’re sticking to it. We’re here on a Salvation Mission for our church, trying to save these wretched souls from tumbling ass over heels into hell because they think everyone is equal.”

Hubbard: “But we don’t even go to church.”

Mother: “Well, we do during election season. It’s in your party handbook. On our way home, we’ll stop by that church on the corner and make a donation. It’s the best way to become an upstanding member, and it will strengthen our religion and charity ratings in the polls. What’s the name of that church again?”

Hubbard: “Um… Costco?”

Mother: “No, you twit. The other corner.”

Hubbard: “Oh. Oh! But that’s a Pentecostal church. Mother, please don’t make me be a Pentecostal. I don’t want this job that bad.”

Mother: “It doesn’t matter if you want it or not, you still owe us for your college tuition. Sending you to that fancy place cost your father and I more than our first two houses. Combined. I’m sure you can handle a snake if it comes down to that.”

Hubbard: “And what should we say about all the drinking going on around us? The Pentecostals don’t drink. Can’t you make me a Catholic?”

Mother: “It’s too late. I’ve already written out the check while you looked for your spine. One thing you can’t do in politics is waste any time once you’ve mapped out a plan. You have to run faster than the fact-checkers. As for the drinking, we’re trying to save these wretches from that as well. We’re multi-tasking, which should improve our efficiency ratings in the polls. See how easy this is? Once you learn the Art of the Spin, you can get elected to anything. And while I’m thinking about getting things done, we’ll have to sell our wind farms in West Texas. We no longer believe in global warming or science.”

Hubbard: “Don’t I have control over anything in my campaign?”

Mother: “Of course you do, darling. You can tell that boyfriend of yours what the new strategy is in case one of those fake-news reporters shoves a microphone in his face.”

Hubbard, sighing. “Fine. I’ll work my way up to the bar and let him know. Need anything?”

Mother: “Some whiskey would do nicely. But have him put it in a Coke bottle. This photographer appears to have a lot of stamina.”


22 replies »

  1. So, you’ve given up writing fiction, and are going with ‘Tell It Like It is’? It doesn’t matter. The American public can’t tell the difference. See, Al Gore, burning tons of jet fuel to fly around warning about ‘Global Warming.’ 😯

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Are you SURE that ‘mother’ isn’t actually Cloris Leachman (the later years)? That figure (and good on ya for figuring out a GENDER for it) looks remarkably like her in “The Longest Yard” (with Adam Sandler AND Burt Reynolds)… She appears to be trying to hide from the photographer who might ‘spin’ the fact that the photo was taking in roughly 1938 and she was supposed to be born long after that… hmmmm. Do ‘they’ dwell among us? Should we call the Men In Black? I was more intrigued by the Lyndon B. Johnson clone with a really good nose job and some kind of huge mole on his face (that spot may be a photographic glitch)..? His partner, resembling an actor I’ve seen recently, but whose name escapes me, appears very well satisfied.

    Upon further examination of the photo, I see the woman who is playing “mother’ in our little drama today, but did YOU spy the Cloris Clone between the young man with the serious gob and the snooty looking average sized woman there? Maybe I’m hallucinating…

    Liked by 1 person

    • All I can say at this point is that you are much more observant than I am. This is an admirable trait in one sense, startling in other ways. All of this is said with great respect and a tip of my hat. But now that you’ve mentioned Cloris, who fascinates me, I sense a movie marathon in my near future. If I don’t post for the next week or so, it’s all on you… 😉


  3. Did I ever tell you about my good friend in high school who was Pentecostal, and how she invited me to one of her services, and how my quiet Lutheran sensibilities were shocked to the core?
    Imagine, if you will, a group of wild eyed youth babbling incoherently and an innocent looking blonde standing to the side with an expression that could only mean, “What the hell?” That was me.
    I never completely recovered. 😌

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, you have mentioned your Pentecostal Perambulation. (I’m still lighting nightly votive candles to help us move beyond that which you once experienced.) I could pontificate further, but I believe my usage of the word “perambulation” in this comment automatically allows me to advance to the next round… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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