Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #85

The First Rule in Attracting a Decent Mate: Do not appear in settings where the wallpaper can overpower your mere existence. They have enough trouble finding you as it is.

Harriet, left: “You fool, you went two steps too far before pausing to be noticed by the crowd. You’re in an unacceptable review zone.”

Hildegarde, right: “Then perhaps you shouldn’t have shoved me out of the way like a wildebeest.”

Harriet: “I did no such thing. You stumbled over nothing like an amateur. I can’t help it if you went to the wrong finishing academy.”

Hildegarde: “But I went to the same school as you.”

Harriet: “Yes, but in the wrong year. That makes all the difference. You must always be in the right place at the right time. You were two debutante seasons too late.”

Hildegarde: “I must say that I find your tone to be less than pleasing.”

Harriet: “If memory serves, you were the one who requested my assistance so you could get back in the society pages. It’s been at least a month since you were mentioned, and it was only a brief bit about that charity event involving orphans or some such. No one does charity anymore, now that the conservatives are back in power.”

Hildegarde: “What on earth are you talking about? When did I supposedly turn to you for guidance? I’d rather fly coach than lower myself to that.

Harriet: “Earlier this summer, in St. Tropez. After we attended the wedding of… well, I don’t recall. Some very ugly people with a lot of money. It’s so ghastly that some commoners have unlimited resources these days.”

Hildegarde: “You mean when we were on the beach? Drinking bellinis?”

Harriet: “Precisely. You belched and then muttered something about missing the days when you and Muffy Beaudelaire were the toast of the town and you couldn’t even pee without somebody taking a photo. I agreed to help you get back to where you once belonged. I just didn’t realize you would be such a wretch about my gracious efforts.”

Hildegarde: “Oh, please. That wasn’t a serious conversation. It was inebriation. We took off our tops, for heaven’s sake, which I’m sure was quite unfortunate for the other beach-goers, considering we both have the topography of a wooden plank. I think you should let this go.”

Harriet: “I never let anything go. Just ask the money that used to belong to my ex-husbands. Surely there’s something I can do to rescue you from your unsavory social standing.”

Hildegarde: “Actually, there is one thing.”

Harriet: “I knew it. Pray tell.”

Hildegarde: “Could you let the writer of this piece know that the photo he is using is entirely too small and doesn’t adequately capture our true beauty?”

Writer: “Aw, hell. Well, I did try to find a bigger picture, but my internet connection sucks big time tonight and I can’t find squat.”

Harriet: “It appears that somebody didn’t go to a finishing academy. Have I mentioned commoners with money?”

Hildegarde: “Can’t you have someone on your staff do the work for you?”

Writer: “I don’t have a staff. I don’t even have money.”

Harriet: “Oh? Was I married to you at some point?”

Writer: “Maybe. After all, I do know the way to St. Tropez.”

Dionne Warwick, wandering into the scene, dragging a feather boa: “Is that my cue? Should I be onstage right now?”

Writer: “I’ve completely lost control of this one. Maybe I should just hit submit and hope for the best.”



19 replies »

  1. Has the one on the left got a cone head? Her cloche is very strange. I was expelled from Finishing School and later asked to give a talk on being a successful graduate. I pointed out that I hadn’t actually technically finished since I had left 3 weeks before the end of the course. The Principal replied that she thought we could gloss over that detail. Which, I recall, is mostly what had I learned … glide, shimmy, gloss 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • The one on the left certainly has something going on, and I’m afraid the unfortunate cloche is just one of the minor details. Now, as for your experience as an apparent reprobate in finishing school, I have two questions: One, did you actually give the speech? And two, are you ever going to share what you did that resulted in your booting? You know I’ll lie awake tonight, pondering… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Answer number one … obviously — I always give a speech and answer number two yes, I will but only on account of your pleadings. Come and stay in France – we have much to ruminate.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Actually, when I got my first gander of Harriet, I thought “Is that Queen Eilzabeth?” Then my eyes traveled to the right and I encountered an even better lookalike. Of course, because my mind is twisted, my next thought was that this must be the foyer of some Queen Elizabeth cloning house and there are models of her walking about everywhere. It would certainly help explain her longevity…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Mmmmm, bellinis! And that is some seriously frightening art deco wallpaper. It’s gonna eat ’em alive! Lol. There’s too much geometry there for me. Run! Run away!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yeah, that’s some seriously distracting wallpaper there. Sorry, did you write something?
    I loved when Dionne entered, that was priceless. Though isn’t it time you got that internet thing worked out? Gad, man, it’s like you’re living in 2012!

    Liked by 1 person

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