20 Self-Help Books That Somebody Really, Really Needs To Write

1. “How to Remove Your Head from Your Ass Using Common Household Items”

2. “The Margarita-Based Diet”

3. “He’s So Completely Not into You That He’s Moving to Another Planet”

4. “Chicken Soup for the Soulless”

5. “The Five Best Ways to Keep People from Slapping You”

6. “Depression: How to Tell the Difference between The Real Thing and Simple Laziness”

7. “Things You Shouldn’t Wear If You Don’t Want People to Leave Money on Your Nightstand”

8. “Social Networking Snafus – Volume I: Some Things Really Just Need to Stay in Your Locked Diary”

9. “Social Networking Snafus – Volume II: Tequila and Typing = Bad”

10. “The Magic of Movie-Going: How to Fully Enjoy the Experience by Shutting the Hell Up and Not Chewing on a Side of Beef During the Screening”

11. “Blood Is Thicker Than Water and the Stains Are Harder To Get Out”

12. “The Illustrated Guide to Things That Shouldn’t Be on Your Computer When You Take It in To Be Serviced”

13. “Come On, Eileen: The Importance of Making a Damn Decision about Things So That the People Who Are Trying To Love You Will Continue To Do So”

14. “The Best Villages to Live Where People Actually Raise Their OWN Children”

15. “The Circle Of Life: How Assuming That I’ll Forgive Whatever You Do Just Because We’re Supposedly Friends Can Lead to Complications, Confrontations and Courtrooms”

16. “Jokers to the Right: An Examination of How Some Right-Wingers Are So Self-Centered That They Are Actually Creating Black Holes in the Universe”

17. “Mommy Drinks Because the Other Options Would Result in Jail Time”

18. Rolling in the Sheep: A Detailed Study of Fox News Viewers”

19. “Here Comes the Rain Again: How to Deal with the Constant Deluge of Idiots Who Are Allowed to Walk the Face of the Earth without Supervision”

20. Who Are We Kidding?: The People Who Really Need This Book Have Never Read One in Their Entire Lives”

Peace in.


(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 04/20/12 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 03/11/4. Very tiny revisions made for this post, which is kind of sad from a social-progress viewpoint.)


102 replies »

  1. The Great Big Book of Questions ( for the man with all the answers )

    The Incompetent President’s Guide to Impeachment ( do it yourself blank pages, just record all tweets and all public statements and contradictory views )

    Jaw Yoga Stretches ( Preparations for putting foot in mouth )

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Personal fav: #3 – met a few of them in my time (sadly). Think they all moved to the 7th planet (and if they didn’t, they should have).
    #13 – maybe Dexy had the same problems? Or was he asking Eileen for something else?
    #19 – Annie does it best. FULLSTOP.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. As luck would have it I am in the process of writing #1!
    It is being dedicated to my 40 yr. old daughter who recently quit her job and moved to OK..
    It will be for all the frustrated parents whos grown, stubborn assed kids won’t listen to their parents sound, financial advice!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I appreciate all the song titles, though Here Comes the Rain Again is now looping in my head.
    Oh well. There are worse songs to have there.
    You need to get to work on those Social Media Snafus. You owe it to society!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. #7, 10 and 14. Especially 14. Oh my gawd. That one should be mandatory for any idiot thinking of procreating and then leaving the rest of the world to raise the product. BWAHAHAHHAHAH btw. Hee hee hee

    Liked by 2 people

    • As the saying goes, a writer should write what she knows. But some daddies drink, too, so we might have to “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to see who gets the leg-up on this autobiography… 😉


  6. When I first saw the title of this entry, I thought “Wow, I may find some inspiration here for my next book.” And I did! There is not enough humor in this world. Your titles are hilarious and food for thought. Terrific post, Brian.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Nancy! And I would love to peruse your own musings, but with the way this comment came in, there is no hyperlink with your screen name. Perhaps you could entice me with an actual URL? I promise to faithfully pursue it…


  7. I particularly like the “Mommy Drinks” one. I was once part of a coffee-fueled group of freelance editors who, for no apparent reason, started planning a self-help book for people recovering from self-help books. Maybe it was that we’d all edited at least one. Anyway, it all seemed hysterically funny at the time and I sat down a few hours later to see if I could write it.

    It wasn’t remotely funny in the absence of other humans and caffeine. And the world is that much poorer because of that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know this feeling well.

      I, too, am guilty of participating in beverage-fueled group discussions wherein we solve all world issues, devising common-sense yet spectacular projects that will grace the planet with goodness once again. Candles are lit and songs are sung.

      The next day, the singing stops and the words have been forgotten. And so it goes… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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