1. “I’m sorry, was that you trying to form a complete sentence? My bad. At first I thought someone had run over another armadillo out on Route 9.”
2. “So when the Jesus visions come to you, are they live-action or animated? I’ve always wondered. We don’t get that channel where I live.”
3. “Exactly how many times have you fallen down a flight of stairs?”
4. “Would it help if I used hand puppets?”
5. “Do you have to unhinge your jaw to swallow all that crap on Fox News?”
6. “I’d try to explain it to you, but there are only so many months in a year.”
7. “So when your eyes go blank like that, are you just confused again or are you receiving further orders from the mother ship?”
8. “Good job, Brownie!”
9. “That’s a very interesting talent you have, the ability to selectively forget how things really played out. I bet you can watch the same movie hundreds of times and every experience is a brand new day.”
10. “I’m assuming you don’t shop at Benetton.”
11. “Change the textbooks all you want. It won’t change the truth. Dick and Jane really did see Spot run, no matter what you say.”
12. “Now I know where all those misspelled, illogical comment posts come from on YouTube.”
13. “So, does your hatred of Social Security stem from the fact that it’s kept too many liberal voters alive and well?”
14. “Do you understand that the Pilgrims came here to get away from people like you? You’re in the wrong country. Just like Rupert Murdoch.”
15. “At this point, an original thought probably would kill you.”
16. “You’re not a woman or her doctor, so your relevance in this conversation has just expired.”
17. “Do they really let you operate heavy machinery? Well, I know they let you fiddle with voting machines, because that’s part of your basic training, but how about cars and lawnmowers and remote controls?”
18. “When Nancy Reagan said ‘Just Say No’, she wasn’t talking about every piece of legislation that did not come from your own party. She was talking about drugs. I’m sure you know what those are. Because that can be the only explanation for what’s coming out of your mouth right now.”
19. “So, when you were little, was the monster in your closet a bi-racial single parent with a college degree?”
20. “Despite what you think, assuming that you even do, ‘willful ignorance’ is not a trait to be admired. Except by the leaders of your party.”
21. “I’d call you a liar, but wouldn’t that be redundant?”
22. “Let’s make a deal. You don’t tell me who I can love and I won’t tell you that you are the most delusional person on the face of the planet. I think most sane people already agree with both points anyway.”
23. “Just curious. How do you keep from bursting into flames when you walk into a church? Is it the formaldehyde?”
24. “It’s all fun and games right now, running around and being defiant, but sooner or later you’re going to trip over something that will hurt you. It’s called the next election day.”
25. “You want to reclaim America? From whom? The Americans?”
Cheers.
Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 07/22/11 and 08/12/11 as two separate lists of 25. I condensed things down considerably, tossing out the meaner bits (I was apparently in a bad mood in the summer of 2011) as well as those bits that seemed funny at the time but really weren’t (we all have clunkers in our literary closets, right?). I understand we should all work together. I also understand that one side shouldn’t do all the giving and the other side do all the taking. I’m done with the bully on the playground.
Categories: Opinion
Bonnywood Manor 
Except for 25, I can think of at least one person to whom I can use each of the above. Is it inappropriate to say that I love you (in an entirely platonic way)?
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It’s entirely appropriate to brazenly share our mutually-platonic love with the world… 😉
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At your wonderfully waspish best sir…. how I wish I was back in Sarah’s downtown Cambridge MA picking up my coffee and being accosted by Patty for her morning bigot-fest. She has somehow assumed that because I speak with a posh English Accent, that I must be a) minor royalty and therefore b) a fan of deplorable feudal behaviours that in truth should get the perpetrator hung drawn and set to music. I never had quite the right remark … Now I have 25. As an aside, I used to work in an office that looked directly into Rupert Murdoch’s London apartment. The day he forgot to draw the blinds and neither my boss not I had a camera goes down on my list of major past fails 😉
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It’s what I live for, your besting of Patty. (Well, a few other things as well, truth be told.) I can’t wait to hear your posh English Accent, as such a thing makes me swoon, a combination of factors perhaps best not analyzed, derived as they are from questionable adolescent yearnings and the perhaps ill-conceived notion that an accent of any kind hints of intoxicating foreign allure. Now, this Rupert Murdoch thing. Really? You simply must travel back in time, aided with modern recording devices, and rectify this missing documentation. The fun we could have…
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Man I wish I could fling a few of these at some of the troglodytes in Australia right now.
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Oh, you should fling away. I fully support you in your endeavors, and I will happily testify in court on your behalf, should it come to that… 😉
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I used one of my own today and it was true. ‘I had cataract surgery today so it’s no use browbeating me to donate’. They hung up.
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Wait, you had cataract surgery? And you are still making comments on blog post? Honey, I would milk that situation for all it’s worth, swooning on the couch and expecting family members to bring me bits of nosh whilst I watch endless hours of mindless TV shows about nothing. Perhaps we have different life goals… 😉
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I didn’t have to do dishes.
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Number 9, though…I could punch a hole in that face!
“Wow, you and your narcissism must have mind blowing sex with all that self obsessed sociopathy videoing the scene.” is something I’d love to say sometimes.
What a post, Brian.
What. A. Post.
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I’m not sure how to take this. Was this a good comment or a bad comment? Because the troubled adolescent in me is still seeking validation… 😉
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Brian! Of course it was a positive comment! I was enjoying the fact #9 really spoke to me and people who are like that deserve a punch in the face and then I attempted to add my own.
Obviously my humour and sarcasm didn’t come through 😢
I thought I was being so clever! 😭😭
I think you’re brilliant- thought you’d have picked up on that by now! ☺
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Whew! The humour did come through, now that I’m reading things in a more rational manner. I just got a little paranoid there for a minute. It was probably just a chemical imbalance and I just need to take my multi-vitamins on a more regular basis… 😉
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6, 12 and especially 23!
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I’m personally fond of the “formaldehyde” bit. Because I’m twisted. But I think you know that… 😉
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like a corkscrew – yep – think I might have picked up on that just a little. But you are funny, so twisted is tolerated 😉
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Great stuff there Brian! I had a little nostalgia trip along with Dick, Jane and Spot.
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Thanks, Lindy! I still remember reading the “Dick and Jane” books as a wee tyke, making the connection between words on paper and things in life. That’s when I knew I was going to be a writer, even if my vocabulary was limited to 17 words… 😉
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I was getting just a tone of sarcasm?…
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Fair enough. If the wind is blowing just right, you might get a tiny whiff of sarcasm… 😉
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BWAHAHHAHHAHAA….. At the next local meeting of the Old Ladies With Opinions and Attitudes, I plan to toss #5 out into the ether. I was told recently that ‘they’ didn’t feel comfortable discussing Dump because it would raise my blood pressure too much.. uh . What?
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I am quivering with anticipation at the thought of you throwing out #5 at an OLWOwA meeting. You simply must record everything in a juicy blog post… 😉
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#3…but the real question is “How many times have you fallen up the stairs?”…..playing with hand puppets?? 😳🤣
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Oh, Anne Marie, the times I have fallen upwards whilst diddling with hand puppets could fill volumes. Wait, I might have to work on that as my next project… 😉
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Loved #18, as it seems particularly useful for certain Republican relatives. Many of whom I love, but there’s a limit to what you can accept, you know?
I was telling my daughter about a recent encounter I had with a woman going off on how outrageous it was the form in the doctor’s office offered an “other” option for sex.
I’m always amazed how people apparently assume they’re talking to someone who thinks like they do.
My daughter said the correct response in situations like that is, “Oh, so you’re *that* kind of person.” And then walk away.
My daughter is braver than me. 😌
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Your daughter is braver than me as well. I do have my moments of public confrontation, when I’m fed up and just can’t take it anymore, but most of the time I take the high road and then curse myself later. Of course, much of that cursed steam is then channeled into blog posts, none of which are read by the asshats who need to read them. And so it goes…
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Wow. Whenever I’m faced with a list of choices, I can usually pick out one or two favourites, but this time they all deserve their own time in the sun. I want to fling each and every one around at those most deserving of my contempt ….”take THAT formaldehyde breath” … oh yeah, it feels good 🙂
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It’s therapy, really. For good mental health, these emotions need to be shared at appropriate moments… 😉
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I need this printed on a little card to carry around with me everywhere I go. Brilliant.
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I’ll print some up for you! 😉
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Me too. So done with ALL the bullies on the playground who want to steal social security, free press, and everything else along with our lunch money. The biggest bully is still in office. Why?
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His time is coming, although not nearly quickly enough for you and I. He’s his own worst enemy, and in the end that kind of person almost always goes down. That crap he pulled on Friday, shoving through hateful executive orders and a pardon while everyone was distracted with Hurricane Harvey? A coward does that…
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Reblogged this on Dawn V. Cahill – Hot Topic Christian Fiction.
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