Note: This is the “Pinterest” version, but the shocking obsessions and degradations essentially apply to all platforms. More to follow.
1. You no longer remember the names of your children. Or if you even have any.
2. The last time you looked at the television, “Friends” was still in prime time.
3. You would rather be on Pinterest than pick up the dry-cleaning, let the dog out, get the clothes out of the dryer, show up at work, have sex, pay bills, or eat things containing chocolate. (That last one is a sure sign that the devil has spoken to you. When you ignore the luscious allure of the cocoa bean, you have fallen from grace.)
4. On Sunday mornings, you attack the paper boy at 5:45am so you can read the ad circulars first and get some pins up about new stuff before your friends do. He’s suing, but you don’t care. You’re on a mission and nobody has time for his petulant whining just because he might be bleeding a little bit.
5. You are very confused when you can’t find the “Pin It” button in those circulars, confounded as you move your mouse-finger over the photo of too-cute strappy sandals and no options pop up so you can share your discovery. No wonder nobody reads those old-school newspapers anymore. They need to come with their own wi-fi connection or just give up.
6. You have a low opinion of people with only one or two boards. You find this lazy and irresponsible, ignoring the fact that the dog still needs to go out and some idiot is on the front porch bellowing about foreclosure and repossession.
7. You discover that you have three boards of your own that you don’t remember creating, and you can’t tell by the titles what you meant to do with the boards. (Possible products of a drinking binge, improperly balanced medication, or just old age. Who knows.) But you like the stuff you pinned in them even if you don’t understand the grouping, so you shove said groupings down to the bottom of your board page and hope you have a revelation about their births before anyone asks why you have a board named “This Makes Me Shoot Ping-Pong Balls Out of My Woman Cannon!”
8. You realize that you have pinned the same exact quote on four different boards, with slight color variations being the only difference. (Oh, and one of them has a really sweet panda bear that caught your eye.) It takes a full week for you to decide which three of them to delete, because the pins are your children now and it’s hard to pick one as your favorite and let the other children have crappy, abandoned lives.
9. You get really angry with people who use their own captions with YOUR pins, because you worked super hard on that original, witty caption and all they came up with is “Bunnies are SO cute!”, and there’s not even a bunny in the pin. This is why nations go to war.
10. But when their new caption is actually funnier and better, you still get mad, because it feels like they are getting a little uppity and pointing out to the world that you have sucky writing skills. This is why wars last so long, because people can’t decide what really makes them happy.
11. You constantly refresh the screen just to see if your “Re-Pin” and “Like” stats go up. And you seek therapy if they don’t. (You: “Doctor, I just don’t understand why people don’t click on me!” Doctor: “You need to go back home and not come see me again until you have a real issue. That’ll be 175 bucks. Please pay at the front desk and then delete me out of your contact list.”
12. You purposely pin not-so-interesting things just to keep your name at the top of the feed, because if you roll too far down the feed people will forget that you exist, leading to misery and loneliness, at least in your own mind. In reality, nothing actually changes and you still have to pay property taxes.
13. There’s really no reason to have two Ryan Reynolds boards, one “with shirt” and one “without shirt”. (And those of you with stalker tendencies will have a third board: “Skanks that better keep their hands off my man because I’m just waiting for him to figure out that he needs me and we can get married and I won’t have to work and I can pin all day”.)
14. You delete older pins from back in the day when you clearly didn’t know what you were doing and you pinned stupid crap about nothing. This is the same thing as hiding your high-school yearbooks from your current lover. The past is the past, you have better outfits now.
15. You actually have a board named “I’ll Figure This One Out Later, Gotta Keep Moving”.
16. You keep wondering when the Pinterest People are going to start handing out awards for content and design. After all, you have amassed the largest collection of cats playing with empty boxes that the world has ever seen. That alone is worth a merit badge. And where are they going to hold the national Pinterest Convention? (“Pint-Con?”) We need to start pinning hotel options for that mess. These thoughts keep you awake at night and keep potential suitors from your door.
17. You consider gaining another follower to be far more important than Moses doing that boring Red Sea thing. Yes, he had followers as well, but that was way before social media and there wasn’t much to do for entertainment, so it was very easy for him to get the best traffic stats, especially since he could control water and GPS his way out of Egypt. It’s much more challenging these days to get indexed by Google.
18. You carefully review the boards of those people that have followed you, before daring to follow them. Can’t have no scrubs jacking up your feed with crap. You need the good stuff coming down the pipe that will shine a glowing light on you and your accomplishments, reflected glory that really doesn’t involve you. (In a certain political party, this is known as “how to run for President”.)
19. You lie to people about how much time you spend on Pinterest. “I was working on a spreadsheet on how to feed the homeless” is code for “I spent the entire weekend pinning 217 images of kumquats”.
20. You actually have a Pinterest tramp-stamp. And you’re not ashamed.
(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 01/27/12. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post. For the record, Ryan Reynolds still remains board-worthy, preferably sans shirt. And for the curious, the Philly Cream Cheese with Spanish olives and red bell pepper is extraordinary, should you have a hankering for those ingredients. Word.)
Categories: 10 Reasons Why