Once upon a time, as a companion piece to my “Backup Dancers From Hell” blog, I had a side project entitled “Typos From Hell”, wherein I would slightly alter the title of a popular song and then come up with a fake promotional bit for that violated title. I thought it might be fun to share a few excerpts from yet another one of my faded and twisted adventures. Enjoy.
Lady Gaga – “Poke Her Face”
In a departure from her usual songfests about self-affirmation and random sex, The Lady tosses aside the smiley-face emoticons and reveals her bitterness about a certain high-school classmate who tormented her for no apparent reason. It’s a raw and touching anthem about insecurity, peer pressure, societal angst and shocking transgressions that occurred in the cafeteria at Rydell High.
In a rousing chorus that tries to evoke the fiery Latino passion of “West Side Story” but somewhat fails because there are no Puerto Ricans involved, Lady encourages us to seek out this Devil Cheerleader with no soul, code name “Veronica”, who teased Gaga back in the day because her breasts did not blossom at an appropriate time. Many of us have been there, and some of us still are, padding our bras and listening to our worn-out copy of Janis Ian singing “Seventeen” while we drink far too much wine.
In the final verse, Lady Gaga warbles about how she is now worth more money than Brazil, and Veronica still lives in government housing. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t let Veronica off the hook, because evil high-school subterfuge should never go unpunished. The flip side of the single features the song “At Least I Didn’t Get Pregnant on The High School Football Field”.
Pink – “Please Don’t Cleave Me”
In a startling change from her regular songs about pissed-off women seeking revenge on scumbag men who have done yet another stupid thing, Pink releases this video wherein she plays a virginal schoolmarm who is being stalked by the latest trendy serial killer.
Instead of kicking ass and taking names, Pink explores what it feels like to be the one getting kicked and named. There’s lots of running and screaming, which Pink greatly enjoyed because she’s loud and athletic, but in the end she still has to figure out how to not get killed by a lunatic with a fondness for extremely sharp blades.
The video includes cameos from Jennifer Love Hewitt (as a recluse who has focus issues about what she did last summer and exactly what one should do with leftover fish sticks), Courtney Cox (in an important minor role involving a woman who once danced with a man named Bruce), and Sarah Michelle Gellar (with the troubling task of explaining to her best friend Pink that one should avoid proffering her virginity, especially if moody vampires or Japanese rental houses are involved).
Phillip Phillips – “Hoe”
In a smooth marketing move, the record company decided to re-mix Phillip’s single for two distinct demographic categories. The first version, “Hoe (The Thank God for Beer Remix)”, is aimed at the Country listeners. The lyrics have been modified to celebrate the joys of farming implements and the special affection that some farmers have for their livestock. The second version, “Hoe (The Who You Callin’ A Bitch Remix)”, is targeted for the urban market, with the lyrics graphically detailing the daily lives of streetwalkers with anger management issues. Rapper Queen DJ Hump-A-Lot makes a cameo during the chorus, spouting the immortal line “These legs just fly over my head.”
Taylor Swift – “Glove Story”
Further distancing herself from the country music scene where she spent roughly two seconds before becoming a huge star, Taylor decides that she’d really like to check something else off her bucket list by releasing this song about a proctologist with revenge on her mind. (Despite Internet rumors to the contrary, Taylor does not actually don a pair of probe-worthy gloves during the accompanying video, because she has a staff of body doubles who can do that for her, and her fingers are far too delicate and womanly to be covered in something as tacky as thin, powdery rubber.)
The initial part of the song involves Taylor’s first patient, Toby Keith, who clearly has something lodged or he wouldn’t denigrate women and freedom of speech so much. The next bit involves any other patients from Nashville who declared war on the Dixie Chicks because Natalie Mains made an offhand comment that is way less offensive than anything certain Republican politicians have said, ever. At the midpoint of the song, there is a lovely piano solo during which one should ruminate on the hypocrisy of country musicians who claim to love America but only certain Americans.
And the final section of the song deals with anyone who has had to bend over unwillingly, whether at the request of an amorous mate who wants to try something new, the order of an employer with power issues, the result of reprehensible legislation pass by Congress, or as a result of an aggressive gas bubble. Don’t let the finger own you! Stand your ground and don’t let the teardrops fall on your mortgaged guitar! XOXO, Taylor.
Black-Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Peeling”
The Peas, after the insistent urging of Fergie (wearing a G-string made out of piano wire and some cute shoes that double as cell phones), all decide that they really need to get facials in order to look their best for an upcoming photo shoot for CRAY-CRAY, a new magazine that focuses on the wacky lifestyles of the rich and musical.
Unfortunately, Fergie picks out a salon based on its proximity to her hair stylist and not on anything like legal certification, so the Peas end up getting treated by Yolanda El Diablo, a questionable woman with a shady past, a marriage that was voided due to her fondness for butcher knives, and a mustache. The Peas should have known that Yolanda was unsavory when she snarled at them for being two minutes late for their appointment and then spit on the floor, but they were preoccupied with a discussion over the dance moves for their next single, “I’ma Bang You Now”.
Sadly, the Peas were boiled beyond recognition, rendering them useless as spokespeople for products that they don’t actually use but pretend that they do because the resulting bling is quite satisfactory. Happily, the blistered faces were only temporary and they would all be back on the money train within a month. Still, as punishment, Fergie was forced to wear actual panties until everyone recovered. She barely survived.
Your assignment, dear reader, is this: Should I dig out more of these, or should I let the ship sail and move on to other things?
Categories: The Journey