Howdy, Clam Bakers. As I was compiling and reviewing the poll results from last week’s glorious roundelay between Dr. Brian and our sumptuous and extravagant guests, someone else walked into my office unannounced. This is a clear indication that my secretary, Christi-Peggy-Claudette del Osythia, is not hitting her […]
Judy: “I’m so excited that we’re finally at our senior prom!” Mickey: “Me too! There are so many pretty girls here I could spit.” Judy: “Wait. What does that mean? I’m your date, and you shouldn’t be noticing any pretty girls except me.” Mickey: “Oh. Didn’t I tell […]
1. Saying “excuse me” when you sneeze, even though no one else is in the room. That’s very polite of you. It’s also slightly schizophrenic. But that’s okay. As long as you keep the reflex going, you’ll be sure to apologize at more appropriate moments. This will come […]
1. You watch a TV show that you’re not all that interested in just because you’re too exhausted to figure out how to get to that Guide channel on the new remote that your partner keeps swapping out every two weeks. (Why must we always have new ones? […]
Bertram: “I don’t particularly care for this coffee table.” Beatrice: “Oh, really? You just don’t understand modern design, something you might have a better grasp of if you weren’t constantly grasping a bottle of bourbon. That table is lovely. It was created by an artist in Paris who […]
Photographer: “Inez, honey, could you put that down? Inez: “What? The book?” Photographer: “No, your…. why in the world are you even doing that?” Inez: “What? Reading?” Photographer, sighing: “Your leg, Inez. Are you sending a signal to the Coast Guard?” Inez: “No, dear. The AC is out […]
Howdy, Clam Bakers. As some of you are surely aware, Bonnywood Manor recently hosted a series of seminars by the esteemed Dr. Brian, an uncertified psychologist renowned for his ability to take a mere bit of happenstance and turn it into a chronic condition requiring years of intensive […]
Once upon a time, in a land where the summer sun can kill your soul, on the patio of a restaurant bar where the libations eased the slow heat-death, a discussion took place betwixt a certain writer and a certain beloved person in the writer’s life. The conversation […]
Michael: “My darling, isn’t it lovely, being out in here in the woods?” Liza: “Well, I suppose you could say that. But there is one thing that’s troubling me…” Michael, sighing: “I knew this day would come. But I can assure you that despite what you’ve heard at […]
Kim: “I seem to have snagged my dress on something and I’m unable to release my pent-up desires.” William: “Who cares about your dress? I’ve got my shirt caught on this dead Cooter Tree and it’s making me pose in an unrealistic manner.” Kim: “Well, at least your […]
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