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Friday Night Clam Bake – #14: Poke It with a Stick and See If It’s Still Breathing

Howdy, Clam Bakers.

Well, then. Last night’s impromptu shindig proved to be a moderate success, based on how many of you never managed to make it home. (It is simply amazing how many of you awoke this morning looking dewy and supple, despite having slept face-down on a log, with a melted S’more firmly accessorizing your flowing locks. Then again, I suppose the ham, gouda and vodka omelets on the breakfast buffet line might have contributed a bit of spring to your unwashed step.)

So rather than spend a dreary amount of time trying to whip up something mildly diverting for this evening’s clam bake entertainment, I thought it best that we stick with what we know, going on the bold assumption that some of us can remember the last 24 hours. (There are days for me when the last five minutes prove a challenge.) Therefore, with great fanfare and flourish emboldened by the lingering effects of the omelets, I present you with another round of title-twisted Classic Redneck Movies.

As a special bonus, we’ll be joined this evening by several featured guests who will be presenting their own artistic interpretations. (Please refrain from squealing with udder excitement. I know it pleases you to do so, but it’s Porcine Mating Season over at the nearby Bonnywood Livestock Emporium, and we really shouldn’t mess with the delicate Circle of Life by sending confusing signals that will throw the little rutters off-target.

My Profferings (and with the intention of making things more interesting than they really are, I have added tag lines with these selections):

1. Roameo and Mooliette (“Two forbidden lovers make really bad choices involving alchemy.”)

2. Horrible Losses, Too (“We done lost the farm again, Pa!”)

3. Life Bloat (“Never shoulda ate that dang cauliflower pie. Damn you, cousin sister!”)

4. West Blight Story (“The epic saga of a really parched small town where no one is allowed to resolve their issues through choreography and orchestral arrangements.”)

5. The Line Kink (“Granny Mae, somethin’ ain’t right with the squat shack out back.”)

6. Silo  (“Things can get out of hand when lonely boys spend too much time in the basement.”)

7. 12 Angry Brahman (“A rural community festers when one of their own is accused of doing something they shouldn’t have during the Pickled Okra Festival.”)

8. The Whining (“A searing documentary about the founding of Fox News.”)

9. Some Like It Shot (“That special time in Texas when the young uns don’t have to go to school because it’s hunting season.”)

10. One Flew over the Hornet’s Nest (“Inadequate attention to the psychological needs of others leads to disharmony and the possible destruction of appliances.”)

11. Sunset Bull in the Yard (“A shady screenwriter is found floating in the stock tank. Delusions ensue.”)

12. E.T. – The Extra-Testicle (“Inbreeding is not a good thing.”)

13. The Bridge on the River Why (“Farmhands whistle whilst defending a bridge that nobody really wants in the first place, thus clarifying that war is, essentially, a really dumb-ass thing to do, most of the time.”)

14. Singin’ in the Drain (“A young gay yokel can only find satisfaction when he warbles show tunes in a drainage ditch far from the homestead. Liza Minnelli makes a cameo, but she won’t remember it in the morning.”)

15. It’s a Wonderful Scythe (“Some people just like to cut.”)

16. Ben Herd (“He always did what he was told to do, despite not knowing why. Until the day the beef jerky whispered in his ear.”)

17. A Clockwork Porridge (“Granny Mae finally snaps after 73 years of preparing breakfast for her ungrateful offspring.’)

18. Brave Tart (“The loosest gal in town finds redemption after her Scotch-tape dispenser quotes a poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson.”)

19. Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind (“Bucky Joe has a revelation at the feed-store after encountering a young gay yokel who has actually read a book and did not immediately burst into hellfire flames.”)

20. The Graduate (“No one in Oklahoma knows what this word really means. Frantic discussions ensue, possibly accented by cross-clutching.”)

 

And now, ladies and gentlemen, please pry your lips and fingers from your adult beverage long enough to give a warm welcome to our panel of guest presenters, assuming they can all get on the stage without a wardrobe malfunction. Before they begin, I should point out that I know how competitive some of these presenters are, quibbling over even the tiniest things, such as proving who can lick a stamp better should we ever have to use one again in our modern lives. Therefore, I have assigned the speaking order based on who commented first during last night’s slam poetry sessions. This is chronology, not favoritism. That said, here we go…

Madelyn’s Momentos:

1. How the Grinch Stole the Lindbergh Baby

2. Lethal Dentures

3. Wonder Hamster

Beth’s Bon-Mot (I should point out that Beth, Maddy, Embeecee and others caught on to the fact that you really don’t have to change a lick about the title to make things all countrified and whatnot):

1. Deliverance

Maddy’s Mentions:

1. Tractor Driving with Miss Daisy

2. Catch My Cow If You Can

3. Willy Wonka’s Corn Factory

Embeecee’s Emissions (she also provided tag lines, and the world should be afraid of how similarly we think):

1. What Streams May Come (about the fight over water rights or that cow with serious bladder issues)

2. The Revenue Man Always Knocks Twice And Then We Kill Him

3. Guardians of the Galaxy 500 (Vol I and II) (a sordid tale about a boy, a repossessed vintage Ford, and its vast love of corn-fed beef)

4. Moonshine

5. Children of the Cornfield (nod to Maddy)

Jan’s Jot:

1. Florence of Arabia

Shaz’s Suggestions:

1. Back to the Farmer

2. Look Moo’s Talking

Christi’s Quips:

1. Life is Purty

2. Peggie Sue Got Knocked Up

3. Men Who Do Goats

Barbara’s Bits:

1. Best Little Chicken Coop in Texas

2. Men in Black Over-Alls

3. Planet of the Apricots

 

And there we have it. As the guest panelists trounce off the stage in search of absolutely anything more interesting to do, I ask you once again to break the vacuum-seal you have on your adult beverage and listen to me for at least three seconds. I promise not to dally more than necessary. But I do want to say that the questionable pageantry presented this evening, ill-planned as it may be, is something that we should all strive to do.

You might be the best writer in the world, but no one is going to know that unless you engage with the fine folks who have taken the time to read what you have writ. Celebrate those who brought you to the dance, because you won’t be dancing for long without them. Take a breath, show your appreciation, respectfully address every comment that is ever made, and pull the good ones closer to the campfire so you can share the warmth. And every once in a while cobble together something that says “thank you”, perhaps in the form of a Clam Bake at Bonnywood Manor.

Cheers.

 

25 replies »

  1. Oddly enough I thought that ET WAS the Extra Testicle when it first came out … of your fabulous chorus I choose the following and award special prize emoticons to their authors:
    Maddy – ‘How the Grinch Stole the Lindbergh Baby’ 👶
    Other Maddy – ‘Tractor Driving with Miss Daisy’ 🌼🚗
    Embeecee – ‘What Streams May Come’ 💦🐄💦
    Jan – ‘Florence of Arabia’ (Peter O’Toole would have ROCKED that role) 💃🐪
    Shaz – ‘Look Moos Talking’ 🐮 👀
    Christi – ‘Peggy Sue Got Knocked Up’ 🤰👩‍👧‍👦
    Barbara – ‘Best Little Chicken Coop in Texas’ 🐔 🐣🐥
    Beth – ‘Deliverance’ 🎻🚣🏽🐷

    The advice you give at the end is sage and to be taken to heart by all. Which is what you are …. all heart 😊 ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

      • I am very thrilled that you may treasure your richly deserved award (still snorting at ‘What Streams May Come’ and it’s synopsis) and delighted to be called creative and arty … this is a unique moment for me!!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Osyth: Thank you! I’m so glad you didn’t hesitate to embrace the intended spirit behind this post. Actually, I didn’t expect anything less… 😉

      Embeecee: Yes, put this in your display case. That thing should be getting a little crowded by now… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Maddy! Although you may have endured a brief moment of physical displeasure, it’s a small price to pay in order to keep humor in our lives, yes? And now I’m off to make casting decisions on who should appear in “It’s a Wonderful Scythe”… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sure you already had a few contributions whizzing about in your head, but you are one of those steadfast people who can judiciously dole out your wittiness at the appropriate time, unlike moi, who keeps posting until somebody loves me… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If #15 has maddylovesherclassicfilms crying with laughter, I would think it has Osyth laughing with cries of Whoopee! (For the benefit of the ‘How soon we forget-ters’ out there, WHOOPEE! is a 1930 Eddie Cantor movie with BusbyBerkeley production numbers). 😦

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m sure that both of them are getting a kick out of this mess but, more importantly, you have just reminded me that I have never done a sarcastic spin on “Whoopee!”. I would imagine that I can get at least five lackluster blog posts from such a thing. I’m off to do research as we speak… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I had to stop at #12. Although #7 is definitely on my ‘must watch’ list 😉 #12 caused such spasms of hilarity to forge through my brain that I literally fell off my chair laughing. The dog is now hiding and is not amused. And thanks for the mention! I agree fully with your parting statement, and I try to do just that – answer everyone’s responses to my posts, but dang. I want to know how YOU manage that? The time alone is staggering, not that the readers don’t deserve individual attention. You’re a lovely, LOVELY man! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s what I yearn for, to be a lovely, lovely man. And yes, sometimes the sheer amount of comments on one of my posts can make me want to hide under a rock for seven years, sobbing uncontrollably. But then I give myself a brisk slap and get back to the business of sharing the love and sharing the hope. It’s so much more satisfying when we dance together and on one has to be a wallflower…

      Like

    • Of course I must protest. We should all strive to be lovely; it should be instinctive, inherent, expected. So many have willfully strayed from the path, and I can’t fathom why. Still and all, the sun has risen once again in Phoenix, and I bask, discreetly so… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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