Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #243

During the Depression, funding for public playgrounds dried up, so the little urchins had to make do with what they could find. Luckily, at least for Little Sarah Huckabee, this experience proved to be great training. Eventually, she would meet a man named Donald who would show her the above photo and say: “I want you to do this every time you have to defend one of my lies at a White House Press Conference.”

Sarah: “That shouldn’t be a problem. Verbal acrobatics run in my family. And I went to a Baptist university in Arkansas.”

Donald: “Baptists, eh? I think I’ve heard of them. Say, does our country have a trade deal with them that I can threaten to pull out of the next time I lose my mind on Twitter? You know I love to get attention wherever I can get it.”

Sarah: “Yes, I’m fully aware of that, especially since you handed me your business card when I walked in the room and it says right there ‘I love myself so much that I imagine my own face during sex’. That certainly helps me understand my job requirements.”

Donald: “Good, good. So, let’s do a test run. How would you respond to the press if I tweeted that I was going to have everyone deported who didn’t agree with me?”

Sarah: “I’d say you were a true patriot who only wants to make America grate again.”

Donald: “Terrific! Wait, did you say ‘great’ or ‘grate’?”

Sarah: “Does it really matter? Besides, people are only going to hear what they want to hear. And spelling was never important to your fan base.”

Donald: “You’re right. And you’re hired! Until you piss me off. Then I will destroy you, because I have an ego bigger than Jupiter.”

Sarah: “I can live with that. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Donald: “I like that line, sounds like a campaign slogan. Is that from a movie?”

Sarah: “I have no idea. I went to a university in Arkansas. Okay, I’m going to go pick out an office that doesn’t reek of Sean Spicer.”

Donald: “Who?”

Sarah: “It’s not important. He’s nobody now. I’ll just spray some air freshener that smells like denial.”

Donald: “And I’m going to go tweet that I just hired the greatest Press Secretary in the history of the country and more people showed up for the inauguration than ever before.”

Sarah: “I don’t know if you should…”

Donald: “Jupiter! My own face during sex! Benghazi! Birth certificate!”

Sarah: “Right. Okay, I’ll just bend over backwards and crab walk my way out the door. Say hello to Melania for me.”

Donald: “Who?”

 

29 replies »

  1. I have had to put my coffee down because I feel suddenly sick. Donald. Has. Sex. I need anesthesia or at the very least absinthe or opiates or both to rid me of that foul notion. Mind you, I think that is the prescription for the entire world just now and particularly for you basket of deplorable unfortunates who are living in the eye of this ego-fest. Toodle-oo… I’m off chez l’épicerie where Mahmoud the understanding Algerian gentleman with huge doleful eyes keeps what I need under the counter ….

    Liked by 3 people

    • If everyone had a Mahmoud connection, perhaps finally we could all get along. I need to start a Political Action Committee. Better yet, I should file paperwork to make Bonnywood Manor a 501(c) non-profit. I’ve got work to do, and I’ll keep you posted…

      Liked by 1 person

      • My mother would put it even more baldly … she believes in castration …. 😉 Embeecee, I get accosted at every dinner party I go to once the guests understand my husband is a US Citizen. The abject horror on the faces of a race that is masterly at facial expressions is something to behold. And I am helpless to explain. Why? They ask. Why is he there in the first place? Why is he still there? Believe me when I tell you the whole of France feels your pain. Which does nothing to make it feel better except that perhaps a problem shared is a problem marginally more tolerable.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m not sure if I can provide any solace here. I awake each morning, check the news feed on my phone, and then hit the snooze button on my alarm clock because I just can’t take it anymore. So many Americans are such complete and total idiots On the plus side, I never run out of material for my admitted tendency to ramble hither and yon here at Bonnywood. I just wish it wasn’t necessary and we could focus on more important things…

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  2. “grate again” was worth reading that far. However, and I have busted you for this before, Baptists are not the root of all evil. As a young God and Country candidate I discovered in a cramped preacher’s office that smelled of funriture polish and old books and older people that Presbyterians believe in predesitination. Yep. Jesus as front man for Nihilism. So I went home, told my “we go because we know people there” parents that I’d finish the award work, but that was it fro me and protestans of any ilk. And prompty started the band called “Blue Eyed Jesus and the Nihilists”. And although as Okies there are any number of good and possibly accurate jokes wherein Ar-kansasans are the butt, there is the fact that our wealthy, erudite and what Austin used to be brothers and sisters in North Carolina have decided who can pee where, not the home of the Little Rock Hillbillaries. Spread the hyprocacy around. Like recyclingt the butter pats at Luby’s. Baptists ain’t got a lock on it. Some of them can even dance.

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  3. So are we going with the assumption she’s aware everything she says is a lie, or that she’s too empty headed to know any better? Cause I can’t decide, and I’ve given up trying. One thing I do know, if I see her smirk again, I’m throwing my shoe at the tv.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course she knows that everything is a lie, but she doesn’t care. She’s in it for the minute, and she will happily throw out distortions, because none of the shoes headed her way are owned by the people who cut her paycheck. No respect for her, whatsoever. I’d insert a joke a this point, to lighten the mood, but not really feeling it. (Can you smell the bitterness?) 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Uh, lost me at “Sarah What the f*ck is her name” and Donald… I’m sporting the beginnings of an unscheduled Fall goomboo (yeah, bad as it sounds..head is spinning and stuffed with STUFF, ears hurt and are popping, throat is sore…oh I’m just going to forget it and go back to bed. When/If Osyth brings goodies, wake me up. OR Just Wake Me Up When September Ends….)

    Liked by 1 person

    • No worries about your personal stasis being a bit off kilter. I trust that your trademark snark will soon return. After all, Fall is quickly approaching, and nestled within such is the magic of Halloween. Good times await… 😉

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  5. You could’ve been a writer for Sid Caesar’s SHOW OF SHOWS if not for the technical detail that you weren’t born yet in the early 1950s, which is a feeble excuse in my book, but I won’t hold it against you because this comment is also a shameless plug for my last post.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow! You hit the nail right on its narcissistic, ignorant, loathesome head. This whole Trump mess was one reason for staying (mostly) offline for awhile. It’s hard to keep one’s sanity with so much hypocrisy around. And so many just lap it right up …

    Liked by 1 person

    • I certainly understand the need to get away from it all for a while. I unintentionally missed a few days of social media last week, and just those few days of not being in a front seat to the madness put me in a better mood. Sad, really…

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