Humor

Thighs and Whispers: The Shameless Perversion of Classic Book Titles in a Desperate Attempt to Create a Clever Blog Post

Fair disclosure: This one gets a little naughty…

1. David, Cop Her Feel (“A dispirited lad in London suddenly realizes that women have breasts and he chooses a new career path as a test subject in Knackered Nancy’s Massage School for Busty Lasses.”)

2. Jane Erred (“A Young Woman in 19th Century England is socially-shunned after failing to grasp the concepts of modesty, monogamy, and avoidance of swarthy stable hands who sweat alluringly.”)

3. The Bi Bull (“Muscular Adam wanders into an unexplored section of the Garden of Eden, where he is surprised to discover that he is not the only man in paradise and, thanks to the fig leaf-less vision before him, Eve is not the only one being tempted by a snake.”)

4. The Crepes of Wrath (“Someone has murdered Master Chef Pierre Gastronomie at La Maison de Egoiste, after apparently having bumped uglies with him, based on the amorous markings in the flour on the kitchen floor. It is clearly a crime of passion, and Detective Sophie Succulenta must get to the bottom of who got to Pierre’s bottom before Michelin recants the five-star rating of the restaurant.”)

5. Howard’s End (“Sometimes things are only humorous if you’ve just read the previous entry…”)

6. The Girl with the Draggin’ Tattoo (“Rampant Slap-and-Tickle overtakes the Beaver Valley Home for the Creatively-Aged after someone spikes the prune juice. Initial evidence points to the occupant of Room C-37, wherein resides a woman who used to be in a punk rock band several hundred years ago and has the wrinkled ink to prove it. But things are not always what they seem…”)

7. The Sound and the Fury (“Bad things happen when you don’t turn your cell phone off once you retire to the boudoir.”)

8. The Fault in our Starch (“The disparate members of an Erectile-Dysfunction Anonymous chapter learn about ways to enhance personal growth during weekly meetings in the basement of a Chinese laundry.”)

9. Sometimes a Great Lotion (“Desperate to increase the turnover rates in her New Orleans brothel, Madame Mimi has a moment of inspiration and invents a lubricant that expedites matters.”)

10. The Great Gaspy (“Some folks really need to work on their dismount so we don’t become concerned that we should call emergency services.”)

11. Something Wicked This Way Comes (“Cautionary tales concerning why stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to breed.”)

12. The Call of the Mild (“You can’t always get what you want if you don’t tell your partner what you really need.”)

13. A Farewell to Charms (“In a dystopian future involving a misogynistic President, men who still live in their parents’ basements rise up in surprising numbers, unwashed and clueless but convinced that they can grab women by the inequality. A counter-rebellion coalition is quickly formed, led by woman in pink hats and joined by, well, anyone with an ounce of decency.”)

14. Paradise Found (“Angsty teen Billy discovers his father’s porno stash in the woodshed. Brief thrill is quickly followed by awkward moments at the family dinner table.”)

15. The Son Also Rises (“A charming coming-of-age tale wherein a proud papa escorts his eldest offspring to Miss Mona’s Chicken Ranch.”)

16. The Scarlet Tether (“A free-spirited maiden discreetly explores bondage in a remote Puritan village. After all, once the crops are in, you’ve got to find something to do during the harsh winter months.”

17. The Count of Mount Crisco (“Rousing swordplay in a French manor house, as the kitchen staff gets randy in the larder pantry and Lord Menage-a-Trois decides to make it a competition. Festive sporting events such as this were quite common before the morphine-drip of social media was invented, making this a morality tale for the ages.”)

18. The French Lieutenant’s Inflatable Woman (“A misguided young man spends too much time looking for love in all the wrong plastics.”)

19. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (“A character study detailing the various reactions of several siblings when they gather for Christmas at the family estate, only to discover that Daddy has remarried and there is no place to hide from the sounds of his energetic nightly consummations. Accusations and medications ensue.”)

20. The Wenching Hour (“A lyrical nostalgia piece about a budding young writer attending college in early 1980s Oklahoma, sterling student by day and tragic tramp by night. Includes several pages of shocking photos, a remixed CD of Duran Duran hits, and a coupon for a free pair of parachute pants. This story is loosely based on someone you might know.”

Cheers.

 

Note: The “Thighs and Whispers” bit in the title was nicked from Bette Midler’s 1979 album of the same name. I can’t be creative all the time. But you can. How about suggesting your own twisted titles below? You don’t have to include a description as well, but it does make it more fun when you do so. Go on. You know you want to…

 

27 replies »

  1. I’m not sure which is better – the clever titles or the description of the contents. This is truly an inspired list, although I think more than #20 is based on a true story. #13 sounds suspiciously close to current events playing out south of our (Canadian) border 😉

    My favourite description though is “Beaver Valley Home for the Creatively-Aged “. There might be a business plan in here somewhere!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, #13 has a slight whiff of veracity about it, although I can’t quite put my finger on it. 😉

      As for “Beaver Valley”, it’s just down the road from Bonnywood Manor, at least according to my imagination, so the venerable institutions located there often make appearances in my “stories”…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Quesoblanca – Two long lost loves find each other again and rekindle their sensual uses of wax like cheese substances that melt at body temperature.

    Comes a Whore’s Man – ’nuff said

    And there’s one sitting there for “No Country for Old Men” but I’m not touching it. Really, I’m not. NO, I wasn’t touching it, it was my underwear, honest! I WASN”T touching it…

    7. The Sound and the FURRY? Never mind. 18 was a sidesplitting book. “Wilt” by Tom Sharpe. Anyone who hasn’t, should.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The shame is deep, to an extent. But please picture me in Bugle Boy parachute pants, not that often-confused mess that M.C. Hammer wore. This really doesn’t save my reputation in any way, but I feel it personally important to note the difference…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. How about BAD DAY AT WEDLOCK, based on the movie which was based on the story BAD TIME AT HONDA, which might account for the BAD DAY AT WEDLOCK if the lovers couldn’t wait till they got to the motel on their wedding night and made bed time on the back seat of their Honda? It would’ve been especially bad if they weren’t in Accord.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Damn. I didn’t mean to press “send” so soon..my contributions to your cause AND one wee correction.

    Jane Erred is the one about the presumably plain Jane who is unloved and unwanted and fixates on her married employer. The fact that he’s wed to someone insane who tries to kill him in a horrible fire, rendering him as plain as Jane, is beside the point in her lustful fantasies about this dark and brooding (and misogynistic) man. He is blinded in the fire and therefore (presumably again) Jane isn’t so plain and they waltz off together to live in whatever passes for bliss in 1789 England. (years are subject to review. I last read Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre in my early 20s and my memory ain’t what it used to be. Enough mooing. (Wuthering Heights is the swarthy, brooding stablehand and the maiden tale…although she was also sort of stalkerish, just like Jane. Makes you wonder what the Bronte sisters endured to make them write tales like that…not enough men around? Swarthy and brooding the only flavor on the table?…we will never know).

    My titles:

    Oliver Twisted (well YOU started it with David and his Cop ‘er Feel) A sordid tale of a young fellow caught up in the seamy world of S&M. His “master” is a perverted fellow who enjoys showing young people the ropes (no pun meant, but there it is all the same 😉 )
    Tom Saw ‘er. A coming of age story about an unruly young chap who is over-stimulated by the dubious charms of Becky – a girl/woman who is an expert at the art of the tease and never deliver. Voyeuristic adventure ensues as Tom refuses to be thwarted.
    Grapes of Rash – A depressing saga about some Okies (oops. Ain’t kin to ya, are they?) who decide California might provide a better future than the dusty environs from which they’ve sprung. Despite “no jobs here” and “visitors most definitely NOT WELCOME” signs along their surprisingly dusty trail (doesn’t that stuff EVER wash off??), the hearty bunch endure and press on; gamely fighting toward their goal. Alma (the matriarch) develops a wicked rash which she claims she got from making in the bushes, but everyone knows it was actually that travelling snake oil salesman that gave it to her. Maybe from making in the bushes…

    Liked by 1 person

    • All of these are admirable suggestions and they have been promptly added to the bin for a future post, should I have enough brain cells left to compose one. And I am kin to all Okies, despite often choosing not to admit such in a public setting… 😉

      Like

  5. I had one more:

    Cannery ‘Ho. Another tale from the Great Depression era, making readers wonder mightily about the fixation this author had on that time. Cannery ‘Ho is the pre-cursor to such television sagas as “Dallas” and “Falcon Crest”, because Cannery weaves several short stories together to make a whole novel (trying to hit 30,000+ words is a bitch sometimes). Cannery ‘Ho is about Salmanella, a lusty young woman who lives in one of the abandoned fish canneries along the row, and who starts the first red light establishment in that community. She is paid in whatever currency her customers can scrape together. She has a true heart of gold and keeps it firmly tucked between her ponderous assets, which the men of the community (and that one strange woman who lives in an old shoe factory on the edge of town) lust after. As is the trend in such sagas, there is no happy ending, merely real life as many know it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have attempted to post this several times and there are clearly goblins in the works. So. Sorry for absence .. I have been … just, you know how it is. I read Howard’s End for A level. We do those voluntarily if we stay on at school after 16 and are not too frugal in the grey–cells department. I would therefore have been 17 and I suppose they assumed us mature enough not to snicker at the title. They assumed wrong. They still do. I will never be mature enough ….

    My entries:

    ‘Valley of the Trolls’ – A mockumentary on living in social media world
    ‘The Hound of Music’ – A soft hearted French hunter turns vegan when he comes across tail-less Tou-Tou in the woods, left mercilessly to rot by heartless Gaston. Our canine discovers his voice as his strength returns under the tender care of Philippe (there must always be a Philippe) and his beauteous baying takes the unlikely duo to le fête de musique de la Tour du Pin where they perform a medley dressed in strangely attractive costumes crafted from Philippe’s mother’s best bedroom curtains. She is sadly less than amused and employs Gaston to hunt them down. Hidden in the crypt of the local supermarket, the drama crescendos … includes evergreen classics ‘I’ll do Vice’ ‘Doe a Deer (I’ll shoot that deer)’ and ‘My Rear’ – our canine hero’s achingly sad lament on being Manx
    ‘Black Narcissist – POTUS 45 meets Brer Fox
    ‘Some like it Shot’ – Gaston returns, this time hunting for love ….

    I bow to your greatness. Mine are not worthy but they are offered with great affection and deference to the maestro 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course all of these are worthy, especially the sublime humanity of the “Hound” epic, replete with a musical score and off-the-rack fashions. (Aside: Merci beaucoup for the heads-up on always having a Philippe; I feel tragically incomplete looking back and realizing how many times there was an absence of Philippe in my literary canon. Why I haven’t been stoned in the village square, I do not know.) I also choose to never be mature enough. It’s the most noble thing about me… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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