Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #269

Bertram: “I don’t particularly care for this coffee table.”

Beatrice: “Oh, really? You just don’t understand modern design, something you might have a better grasp of if you weren’t constantly grasping a bottle of bourbon. That table is lovely.  It was created by an artist in Paris who only opens his shop every other Thursday. It’s a one of a kind!”

Bertram: “Thank God there’s only one of them, as otherwise we might all be doomed to a life of wretched disappointment. I keep expecting a gypsy woman to come in and tell my fortune. And it looks like a giant clown just melted into the floor. Perhaps he did so out of shame at the surrounding décor.”

Beatrice: “You’re such a stick, Bertie. You know I only select the best pieces.  And we’re on the Home Tour every year. Those horrid women on the selection committee don’t let just anybody be on the tour. I have to stay current, even if it means spending ten months of the year shopping in foreign countries and I rarely actually live in this house.”

Bertram: “We’re on the Home Tour because we have a ton of money and people want to see how we live. It doesn’t mean that you know what you’re doing. What the hell are those dancing things on top of the book shelves?”

Beatrice: “Those are rare relics from the Mayan culture. I had to get several museum people fired just so they would quit pestering me about trying to sneak things out of El Salvador.”

Bertram: “That’s considered Mayan art? No wonder those people aren’t around anymore.”

Beatrice: “Fine. I don’t have to listen to this. I’m going into another wing of the house and look at brochures for Tibetan fertility statues created by monks who have never actually had sex. I understand that’s the next big thing, according to House Pretentious magazine.”

Bertram: “Before you go…”

Beatrice: “What, you want to psychologically badger me about the Natchez print on the sofa?”

Bertram: “No, not that. Could you help me up from this chair? I haven’t been able to struggle my way out of it since last Tuesday, and the fear of the impending fortune teller is starting to wear me down…”


27 replies »

  1. He bought her an electric washing machine, an electric dryer, an electric dish washer, an electric hair dryer, an electric toothbrush….and when she complained that the house was so crowded that she didn’t have a place to sit down….he bought her an electric chair. That’s when she becomes ‘current.’ 😆

    Liked by 4 people

  2. At first I was crying over the poor, neglected rubber trees – Oh, the humanity! – then I saw the books and I’ll bet good money they’re not getting used. I’m thinking of putting together a rescue plant and book operation. Are you in?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Send your resume to the Human Resources Department at Bonnywood Manor, then I’ll have my people work with your people to make arrangements. I should caution you, however, that this position requires travelling at least 180 days each calendar year, as you can’t really write about Tibetan fertility statues unless you have actually touched one on a remote mountain top….


  3. Awesome post! Lol. And i might be the only one, but i kind of like the table and the crystal ball looking thingy on it. I’ve no idea what movie this scene is from. I should know.. alas… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • The movie is “The Kiss”, and that’s actually Greta Garbo posing with nonchalant glamour in front of the fireplace. The movie is worth a watch just for the amazing Art Deco sets, designed by Cedric Gibbons. Oh, and this was the last silent film that Garbo made. (I am just brimming with worthless trivia, eh?)


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