Howdy, Clam Bakers.
As I was compiling and reviewing the poll results from last week’s glorious roundelay between Dr. Brian and our sumptuous and extravagant guests, someone else walked into my office unannounced. This is a clear indication that my secretary, Christi-Peggy-Claudette del Osythia, is not hitting her performance marks. I should probably let her go, but doing such would involve paperwork and I abhor such things. Besides, I would have to track down and hand her said paperwork and, yeah, that’s not happening on a Friday evening.
I looked up to see that my errant visitor was Buddy Ebsen. “Oh,” said I, with deep profundity. “I thought you had moved on to the Barnaby Jones in the sky.”
He smiled. “Well, yes, Buddy is gone, basking in the eternal sunshine of stellar overnight ratings, but I’m actually Jed Clampett.”
Me: “So, the performances get to stay here even though the actor is no longer making any meaningful contributions to society?”
Jed: “Of course they do. It’s called syndication. You can’t get rid of me until the planet explodes. But that’s not why I’m here.”
Me: “If you want to know where Jethro is, needing him to muck out the cement pond or some such, I have no GPS on his location. He may be with my secretary, showing her his varmint. Stranger things have happened here at Bonnywood.”
Jed: “Have you seen his varmint? I’d show that thing off, too. No, it’s just that I would like to join the latest thing that is trending on Bonnywood social media.”
Me: “And what would that be? AWOL secretaries? Warped stories about childhood? Political analogies using vintage photos? Rampant sexual euphemisms? And the latest thing, which is apparently varmint-showing?”
Jed: “I have my own list of questions for your guests. I really had a lot of fun reading the answers in your last Clam Bake post, and I’m curious to see how far you are willing to run with making this a regular feature on your blog. Because that’s how success works in the entertainment industry, one of the 47 things you throw on the wall actually sticks, and then you pounce on that stick with extreme exuberance.”
Me: “Hold up. Jed Clampett appreciates something I have done? And there might be stick-pouncing? I have no words to express my joy at this moment.”
Jed: “You don’t need any words, as I’ve already written them down. Here’s the list.”
1. You are about to leave the house, bordering on the edge of potentially being late for work, when you notice a possibly unnoticeable stain on your smart blouse and/or power tie. Do you take the time to change, confirming your late arrival, or do you flip a finger at convention and continue out the door?
2. You are in the car with your partner/spouse/illicit lover, and partner is driving. One of your favorite songs, ever, comes on the radio. You start to sing along, possibly bellowing, because you may or may not understand boundaries and you just want to teach the world to sing. Partner hits a button and the song is no more. Do you immediately turn this into a Congressional investigation, or do you just let it go, because the driver of the car should be allowed to remove perceived distractions, even though it destroys the soul of your inner Celine Dion?
3. Have you ever said “I love you” when you didn’t really mean it?
4. If given the resources and opportunity, would you rather rescue all mistreated animals in the world or develop a program that would eliminate poverty, but only in the five poorest nations?
5. A good friend does something extraordinarily insipid. Do you challenge them on this behavior, or do you value the friendship over the action and hold your tongue?
6. Do you dream in color? Interestingly enough, some people don’t. Even more interesting? Some people don’t know the answer to this until their next dream.
7. You are standing in the checkout line at a very busy grocery store. You are pressed for time, risking the possibility of being late at your own dinner party, an important one that might result in a promotion at work if things go well. You notice the person behind you only has three items, in contrast to your brimming shopping cart. Do you let them go ahead of you?
8. Name a comedic actor who is apparently loved by the entire world but you really haven’t cared for any of their movies.
9. What color would describe your personality? If you answer this one, you have to explain why using at least one complete sentence. (Odds are that no one will pick this one, making it the wallflower at the senior prom. Poor thing.)
10. Would you be willing to lose one year of your lifespan if it meant that everyone in your family would gain two?
11. Along those lines, what would you like the epitaph on your gravestone or urn or choice of final resting place to say? (Yes, it’s somewhat morbid, perhaps inexcusably so, potentially making this question even more of a wallflower than #9. But I actually think of this often. Can I summarize what I hoped to do with my life in a single phrase? Should I?)
12. Coffee or tea? Discuss.
13. Which of these appeals: The opportunity to visit 50 different countries of your choice, taking all the time you need, decades perhaps, but understanding that once you returned home you would have only have the finances to live a modest lifestyle with no frills, comfortable but limited. Or the opportunity to live in one country where every one of your life desires can be met, free to do whatever you want, except cross the border.
14. Complete the following sentence: “I hope for….”
15. Name the literary character who best represents what you hoped your life would be before you realized all that glitters is not necessarily gold.
Me: “I’m not quite sure how to say this, but your questions don’t quite seem to fit your syndicated hillbilly character.”
Jed: “Hell, Jethro ain’t the only one done got somethin’ he wants to share with the world.”
Me: “So we’re back to the sexual euphemisms?”
Jed: “Did we ever leave?”
Note: Dear Reader, please select and respond to any questions which speak to your personal aura. It’s possible that you may not see anything new and therefore worthy of introspection, as that’s how it works with syndication and overnight ratings. Cheers.
Categories: Raw Feed