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Friday Night Clam Bake – #16: The Return of the Jedi Clampett

Howdy, Clam Bakers.

As I was compiling and reviewing the poll results from last week’s glorious roundelay between Dr. Brian and our sumptuous and extravagant guests, someone else walked into my office unannounced. This is a clear indication that my secretary, Christi-Peggy-Claudette del Osythia, is not hitting her performance marks. I should probably let her go, but doing such would involve paperwork and I abhor such things. Besides, I would have to track down and hand her said paperwork and, yeah, that’s not happening on a Friday evening.

I looked up to see that my errant visitor was Buddy Ebsen. “Oh,” said I, with deep profundity. “I thought you had moved on to the Barnaby Jones in the sky.”

He smiled. “Well, yes, Buddy is gone, basking in the eternal sunshine of stellar overnight ratings, but I’m actually Jed Clampett.”

Me: “So, the performances get to stay here even though the actor is no longer making any meaningful contributions to society?”

Jed: “Of course they do. It’s called syndication. You can’t get rid of me until the planet explodes. But that’s not why I’m here.”

Me: “If you want to know where Jethro is, needing him to muck out the cement pond or some such, I have no GPS on his location. He may be with my secretary, showing her his varmint. Stranger things have happened here at Bonnywood.”

Jed: “Have you seen his varmint? I’d show that thing off, too. No, it’s just that I would like to join the latest thing that is trending on Bonnywood social media.”

Me: “And what would that be? AWOL secretaries? Warped stories about childhood? Political analogies using vintage photos? Rampant sexual euphemisms? And the latest thing, which is apparently varmint-showing?”

Jed: “I have my own list of questions for your guests. I really had a lot of fun reading the answers in your last Clam Bake post, and I’m curious to see how far you are willing to run with making this a regular feature on your blog. Because that’s how success works in the entertainment industry, one of the 47 things you throw on the wall actually sticks, and then you pounce on that stick with extreme exuberance.”

Me: “Hold up. Jed Clampett appreciates something I have done? And there might be stick-pouncing? I have no words to express my joy at this moment.”

Jed: “You don’t need any words, as I’ve already written them down. Here’s the list.”

1. You are about to leave the house, bordering on the edge of potentially being late for work, when you notice a possibly unnoticeable stain on your smart blouse and/or power tie. Do you take the time to change, confirming your late arrival, or do you flip a finger at convention and continue out the door?

2. You are in the car with your partner/spouse/illicit lover, and partner is driving. One of your favorite songs, ever, comes on the radio. You start to sing along, possibly bellowing, because you may or may not understand boundaries and you just want to teach the world to sing. Partner hits a button and the song is no more. Do you immediately turn this into a Congressional investigation, or do you just let it go, because the driver of the car should be allowed to remove perceived distractions, even though it destroys the soul of your inner Celine Dion?

3. Have you ever said “I love you” when you didn’t really mean it?

4. If given the resources and opportunity, would you rather rescue all mistreated animals in the world or develop a program that would eliminate poverty, but only in the five poorest nations?

5. A good friend does something extraordinarily insipid. Do you challenge them on this behavior, or do you value the friendship over the action and hold your tongue?

6. Do you dream in color? Interestingly enough, some people don’t. Even more interesting? Some people don’t know the answer to this until their next dream.

7. You are standing in the checkout line at a very busy grocery store. You are pressed for time, risking the possibility of being late at your own dinner party, an important one that might result in a promotion at work if things go well. You notice the person behind you only has three items, in contrast to your brimming shopping cart. Do you let them go ahead of you?

8. Name a comedic actor who is apparently loved by the entire world but you really haven’t cared for any of their movies.

9. What color would describe your personality? If you answer this one, you have to explain why using at least one complete sentence. (Odds are that no one will pick this one, making it the wallflower at the senior prom. Poor thing.)

10. Would you be willing to lose one year of your lifespan if it meant that everyone in your family would gain two?

11. Along those lines, what would you like the epitaph on your gravestone or urn or choice of final resting place to say? (Yes, it’s somewhat morbid, perhaps inexcusably so, potentially making this question even more of a wallflower than #9. But I actually think of this often. Can I summarize what I hoped to do with my life in a single phrase? Should I?)

12. Coffee or tea? Discuss.

13. Which of these appeals: The opportunity to visit 50 different countries of your choice, taking all the time you need, decades perhaps, but understanding that once you returned home you would have only have the finances to live a modest lifestyle with no frills, comfortable but limited. Or the opportunity to live in one country where every one of your life desires can be met, free to do whatever you want, except cross the border.

14. Complete the following sentence: “I hope for….”

15. Name the literary character who best represents what you hoped your life would be before you realized all that glitters is not necessarily gold.


Me: “I’m not quite sure how to say this, but your questions don’t quite seem to fit your syndicated hillbilly character.”

Jed: “Hell, Jethro ain’t the only one done got somethin’ he wants to share with the world.”

Me: “So we’re back to the sexual euphemisms?”

Jed: “Did we ever leave?”


Note: Dear Reader, please select and respond to any questions which speak to your personal aura. It’s possible that you may not see anything new and therefore worthy of introspection, as that’s how it works with syndication and overnight ratings. Cheers.


33 replies »

  1. Rain is forecast for this afternoon so I shall take a blissful hour working through the list and writing replies. Some of them may or may not be posted here later, if you are truly unfortunate you may get the full monty and if extremely fortunate, none at all. In the meantime, I leave you with my favourite epitaph of all time. The late, great and exquisitly eccentric Spike Milligan has these words ‘I told you I was ill’ on his tombstone. He decided on it and left instructions before he died. The Church (somewhat stuffily and predictably) refused to allow it and a two year battle ensued (how vulgar when a great man has died …) ending in the comprimise that the words are inscribed in Celtic. In Britain they are regularly voted the greatest EVER epitaph and Spike, I do believe is laughing wherever he is at the triumph of the little man over the predictable pomposity of the cloth 😉

    Liked by 5 people

    • Whilst I should probably focus on the entire context of your comment, brimming as it is with delicacies and meaty subject matter, accented with Spikey Milligans, I feel compelled to say this: “Rain is forecast for this afternoon.” Is that, or is that not, a glorious opening line for an existential novel about the choices we make as we stand in line at the Deli Counter of Life?….

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Buddy Ebsen! Truly one of the great character actors, always a treat to watch. Anyway, lets get to the questions.

    1- I would change.
    2- I would just flick the dial to get the song playing again. (Don’t touch that dial when I’m singing along!)
    6-I don’t really notice, I am too busy trying to work out what on earth I’m dreaming about and why LOL.
    7-Depends how long I’ve been standing in the line. Also if the other person has 3 items shouldn’t they be using the checkout set up for people with a small amount of items?
    8-Jerry Lewis.
    9-Blue. It’s a peaceful colour, and the right shade of it can be so deep. That about sums me up.
    11-“What was that all about?”
    13-Option one.
    14- I hope for world peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think it’s fair to say that I would make a miserable mess of things with this test, which would surprise absolutely no one in my family. Then again, several of said family members would be quite happy if I lived in another country, so they might make arrangements for someone to slip me the proper answers at just the right time… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. 1. I’d leave. I carry Tide Sticks in my purse, so I’ll hope for the best.
    3. No, but there were times I refrained from saying ‘I love you’ when I really did. Looking back, it was for the best. No regrets.
    6. Absolutely in color. Vivid, technicolor. What’s more, I’ve had dreams of epic proportions, with character development and plot twists. I keep thinking I should write them down, but I’d probably come across as a drug addict.
    7. Oh, I’d definitely let them go ahead. As soon as you said “dinner party”, I started dawdling at the cheese bin. Even if it’s my own party, I’m shuffling my feet.
    11. Tagging on to Osyth’s comment: In my opinion, Dorothy Parker (who was cremated) had the best one: “Excuse My Dust.” Since I can’t use that, how about: “What? You were expecting a sequel?”
    12. Tea. I developed my love for it at my Grandmother’s house where she give us homemade donuts straight from the fryer. Oddly enough, I kept my love for tea but no longer like donuts, because I’ve never had one that compared to hers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We’ll take the short-hand route, with me supplying song-title responses to your insights….

      1. “Clean” by Buggles
      3. “Would I Lie to You?” by Eurythmics
      6. “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded house
      7. “Alone Again” by Gilbert O’Sullivan
      11. “Dust in the Wind” by Styx / “Freeze Frame” by J. Geils Band
      12. “Precious Things” by Tori Amos

      Yes, I fully admit that this is a weak rebuttal, but it’s currently 2:26am and the creativity has ebbed…

      Liked by 2 people

  4. #6 – do I dream in colour? Oh yes! I have dreams that were so real, I was confused when I woke up because I didn’t realize I was sleeping. I wish I had a good punchline for that, but it’s the truth.

    #11 – epitaph on my gravestone? I don’t know … but I would want it to make people laugh out loud … something like ‘Who turned out the lights?’

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 1. Depends on my mood of the moment
    2. see answer #1
    3. In hindsight – lots of times!
    4. Eliminate poverty.
    5. Pass
    6. Yes, lots and lots, with sfx thrown in
    7. Mostly I let them go ahead. Depends on the “vibe” I get from them.
    8. Pass
    9. Acrylic Paint Pour Dirty Cup! If you don’t know what that is, Google it and be amazaed, appalled or enthralled. (Basically, I’m a mess!)
    10. This is potentially a horrid question. What if I lost a good year and my family all gained 2 years of dreadful health and pain?
    11. No gravestone or marker – just chuck my ashes somewhere and walk away – the good parts of me will be in your memories.
    12. Chai – you fool! (no caffeine)
    13. To live in one country where every one of your life desires can be met, free to do whatever you want, except cross the border. I DON”T LIKE TRAVELLING.
    14.  “I hope for….happiness in every day”
    15. Modesty Blaise (the Novels, not the comic strips). Galadriel. Basically, any kick-ass, drop-dead gorgeous, female ever written.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Claudette! Your responses highlight one of the reasons I am really enjoying doing these little questionnaires, in that some of the responses throw the topic into a different light. For example, I thought #10 would test how selfless you might consider yourself to be, but this totally spins around when you point out that the arrangement could actually work out in a not-so-good way all around. Then you followed it that up with #11, with your response being my favorite one for this question. In other words, I’m fairly certain I’ll be doing more of these… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hope you do, I enjoyed it when I kicked my bum to do it. Have been feeling slightly overwhelmed with things lately.
        P.S I would be selfless for my family, I just know that the Universe very rarely works the way you want it to, and so I worry about repercussions. There is no guarantee that what we intend is what is going to happen when then the quirks of the Universe is involved. It is why I now don’t say “I would give anything for that to happen”. “Anything” can be something that hurts someone else I have discovered. I am quite worked up about this topic, perhaps it deserves a blog post at some stage.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. P.S. “Sarcasm Alert …. Sarcasm Alert – tongue firmly planted in cheek whilst typing”

    Thanks for thinking of me in THAT way Brian, but I think, in these days of enlightenment, “Secretary” is not the correct title. I hope Christi-Peggy del Osythia will support me, when I say we should be “She who does all the actual work, whilst He slacks off and pretends to be important”.
    However the acronym for this is just too long, so maybe we’ll just stick with the classics and go for “Doll”, Sweetheart”, “Love”, “Pet”, “Dearie”, and my personal favourite “Sheila”. All so interchangeable, with the added bonus that you don’t actually have to remember the persons name, and it reminds them of their place in the scheme on the office very effectively. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hmm. It sounds like someone is angling for a promotion, so I’m assuming that you’ve heard about the potential opening in the Bonnywood Arts Program. (As you may have heard around the campfire, the current director recently did something extraordinarily insipid, because none of her friends told her that she shouldn’t, and she will most likely have to change her name and move to another country. Poor thing.) Should I take this as a sign of your interest?…

      Liked by 1 person

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