Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #277

Jimmy: “I’m sorry, what did you just ask?”

Maggie: “Where is your Husband Department?”

Jimmy: “Are you trying to find the Men’s clothing section?”

Maggie: “No, Husband. I need a new one.”

Jimmy: “May I inquire as to what’s wrong with the old one?”

Maggie: “He’s just not working out for me.”

Jimmy: “I’m sorry to hear that. But we don’t sell husbands. I don’t think anyone does. Well, not anymore.”

Maggie: “Yes, you do. I bought my last one here.”

Jimmy: “Excuse me?”

Maggie: “Well, I actually bought a toaster, but the clerk followed me out of the store and we chatted and we decided to go have coffee and then we got married. I just assumed he was a parting gift from your company for doing business here.”

Jimmy: “That’s a very remarkable story.”

Maggie: “It is, isn’t it? And so was he. At first. But then he started making a lot of noise that I didn’t care for and he wouldn’t work half the time and finally I just shoved him in the closet and I don’t use him anymore.”

Jimmy: “Are we talking about a husband or a vacuum cleaner?”

Maggie: “Well, there’s not a lot of difference, now that you mention it, but yes, a husband. My husband. That I don’t want anymore. It’s time for him to go. And I could use the closet space. Although I will say it’s been rather fun wearing his clothes for a lark. Doesn’t this cute little hat look fetching on me?”

Jimmy: “I’m at a loss for words.”

Maggie: “So was he, when I shoved him in the closet. And he’s been pretty quiet ever since.”

Jimmy: “Is he still in there?”

Maggie: “Of course he is. I don’t need him anymore. That’s why I’m here. To get a new one. I thought we had discussed this. Now, I’ve brought some specifications with me concerning the exact model that will most likely please me. I’ve learned a few things since the incident with the toaster. Do you have some inventory that I can review or will this need to be a special order?”

Jimmy: “Oh, it’s certainly a special order. In fact, it’s so special that I’ll need to check with my superiors to see just how we should handle this situation.  Would you mind if I excuse myself to make a phone call?”

Maggie: “I don’t mind at all. I’ll be just over here, looking at this fine selection of leather gloves. Oh, and by the way…”

Jimmy: “Yes?”

Maggie: “What time do you get off work? Would you like to meet for coffee?”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 07/16/15 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 10/16/15. No changes made, although I did have a yearning to contemplate what might be in the package Margaret is holding. Perhaps at a later time, like when I re-post this one once again…


21 replies »

  1. I found my husband in an Art Gallery … does that count? Plus. Did a British comedy series called ‘Nighty Night’ ever reach you in your land? If not, I am going to gift you with a link, by email. It is gloriously dark and the reference to keeping your husband in the closet reminded me that I need to dust off my boxed set and settle down for some raucous and inappropriate snorting once more.

    Liked by 3 people

    • You found your husband in an art gallery? You have the most magical things happen to you. It’s a little bit annoying at times, said with complete love. But I’m sure I’ll get over it, probably when I click this enticing link that you mention. I’m quite titillated…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hope he believes it was magical too 😉 I shall tell you the story in the email that I will send with the Nighty Night link. I hope your titillation will be justified 😃

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Old gals in Australia reckon the best place to find a husband is at Bunnings, the giant hardware store that hires retired men. I hear it’s best to go with loads of home maintenance questions.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m keeping this one under wraps, because up here the ratio of old(er, ish) single women to old(er, ish) single men is astonishing. I don’t want to get trampled in the stampede that will occur if anyone gets a whiff a single man is anywhere around…including on-line. Any single fellow, unlucky enough to settle in these environs, will be deluged with homemade goodies (cakes, cookies, pie, bread, muffins and much more), invited to dinner every night of every week if he wants to go, and buttonholed at church and the local ‘senior’ community center by old women (truly old) with wintergreen on their breath as well as lipstick (generous application of lipstick by old women is mandatory. I hazard a guess it’s because they want the full lips of their youth, and are unwilling to admit lips tend to thin out as we age, unlike our noses and ears. Dentures push lips out of proportion anyway. These women will buttonhole the unwary bachelor and question him extensively about his entanglements, if his mother is alive and still living with him, and offer up their sisters, nieces, cousins, daughters, aunts and any other person with a double helping of X chromosomes as women the poor bewildered man ‘simply MUST meet’. Remarks about her skills at being a woman (housekeeping, cooking and laundry) and her saint-like attributes are greatly exaggerated in the quest for husband material. Sometimes the old woman wants one for herself (although what they would actually DO is something I don’t care to dwell upon). Say! (and i was glad to be able to aptly identify James Stewart this time ’round), this remark has pinged off a wonderful idea for a blog post… thanks again Brian!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now see, there are at least 47 blog posts you can get out of this comment. In fact, I smell a book. I really need to sit you down, force you to develop a narrative, and just go for it. You have some amazing stories and insights and they really need to be shared…


  4. Well, now this is priceless and I’m glad you kept it as is. I love her sweet innocence and practicality.
    I heard a speaker talking about some things that might have to change due to our longer life spans. In particular, wedding licenses. One day, they might have expiration dates, much like a fishing license. If you still like each other, you could renew. Otherwise…
    I think it sounds brilliant. Don’t you?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Renewable relationship contracts? This is absolutely fascinating. I can certainly see the appeal, especially the aspect that partners would have to generally behave or face the consequences of non-renewal. I must do my research, at least for the potential blog post alone. (Oh, and thanks for the tweet. It certainly put a smile on my face.)

      Liked by 1 person

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