Note: As we all know, night hours are dangerous when it comes to slacker activity, because you might get a second wind and actually accomplish something, and we don’t want to ruin our personal goal of contributing absolutely nothing to society for one day. (I almost blew it with the near-arrest for public-indecency, as my incarceration would temporarily improve the quality of life on certain city streets. Especially those streets that lead to bars.) Therefore, we must be especially diligent and restrict our efforts to only those activities with minimal or even negative value. And here we go…
(If you’d like to read this short series from the beginning, click Here.)
41. Go into the guest bathroom and use a tube of lipstick to write “REDRUM!” on the mirror. Realize that some of your guests might not get this reference. Realize further that you don’t have any guests, as they stopped coming by because you kept doing stupid crap like this. Sigh despondently at the fact that no one appreciates your artistry. Is this how Van Gogh felt? Probably.
42. Experience a sudden craving for gouda cheese. Race to the kitchen expectantly, throw open the refrigerator door with immense yearning, and then stare forlornly at the spot where the gouda cheese would have been, had you bothered to properly plan in any way whatsoever. Drop to your knees in anguish. Is this how Toulouse-Lautrec felt?
43. Once the refrigerator starts dinging because some idiot has left the door open too long, slam the door shut and look around the room for some other diversion. Is this how Bill Clinton feels when Hillary is out of town?
44. Get a black felt-tip marker, take out a box of cereal out of the pantry, and scribble across the front: “Why don’t these things have prizes anymore?” Put the box back and throw the marker in a corner.
45. Watch the cat attack the marker with a determination that you have never felt in your entire life.
46. Wonder what it would be like if you could pounce at will and there were no complications from doing such. Would you still have the same friends that don’t visit?
47. Take the marker away from the cat once he pries the cap off and starts scribbling an EKG readout on the kitchen floor.
48. Listen as the cat goes into the other room and starts clawing furniture because you are stifling his freedom of expression.
49. Go into your clothes closet with the mission of finally getting rid of all those things you can no longer wear. Run across your “Frankie Say Relax” t-shirt. It’s now 400 sizes too small and there are more holes in it than Trump’s foreign policy. But you can’t possibly part with this thing that once brought you great pleasure, and this mission is doomed. Leave.
50. Decide that you want to listen to some 80’s music. Turn on the radio and, after frantically switching stations, discover that said music is now considered “Golden Oldies” and you can only find it on satellite radio, usually on a station hosted by Nina Blackwood as she shuffles to the microphone using a walker. Cry a little bit.
51. Wonder how many people reading this post will actually get some of the previous references.
52. Wonder how many people understand that MTV used to play music videos.
53. Turn on the TV to find out what is playing on MTV these days. Get distracted by clicking on a movie that you don’t recognize, starring people that you don’t know, and featuring a non-existent plot comprised of folks doing nothing other than standing around and trying to jump-start new catch-phrases while promoting products that no one really needs. Realize that the main character is actually an extended car-crash sequence.
54. Wonder if actual screen writers have been banned from Hollywood. Is this somethingelsethat the Bush Administration destroyed? Giggle at the thought of how the current Republican Party is pretending the Shrub Administration never took place. Stop giggling when you realize that people are stupid and now we have another Wingnut in the Oval Office. Eventually we’ll have to overcome what he has destroyed. Curse the stupid people who forgot about the first car-crash sequence and voted for another one.
55. Turn off the TV and think about reading a book. Wonder how different the world would be if everyone did that from time to time. Wonder if this thought makes you seem like those slightly-obsessive people who wail about the dangers of watching too much TV. Wonder if that’s not such a bad obsession to have.
56. Realize that you have wandered in your thoughts from humorous to thought-provoking, and that this is not such a good thing to happen on a Friday night. Friday nights are when you do random and carefree things, because you have the rest of the weekend to do something more serious, like shell out money to pay for the damages you and your dumbass friends caused on said Friday night when somebody hollered “hey, let’s trythis!”
57. Try to get back in the proper fun-loving spirit as you think of three absurd but entertaining activities to round out your third list of pointless things to do on a vacation day. Try your best to make them not sound like filler entries just to meet your quota.
58. Drink alcohol. (Okay, I failed with the originality on that one, but seriously, everything is always much more enthralling when drinking an elixir intended to jack up your faculties. (Drinker A: “I once went to a peanut farm.” Drinker B: “Oh my GOD, I’ve always wanted to go to a peanut farm. Tell meeverything!”) Until the next morning, when simply opening an eye feels like your eyelid is made of sandpaper as it rips your cornea to shreds.
59. Eat some of the non-gouda cheese in your refrigerator. I know it’s essentially artery-clogging, but it sure tastes good, even the smelly ones, and I can pretty much guarantee that no one has ever said on their death bed “Dear Lord, I wish I hadn’t eaten all that cheese.”
60. Go back and read all 760 posts on this blog. This won’t improve your life in any way. But you never know when I might show up as a category on “Jeopardy”, and you really should be prepared for a development that is never going to happen…
Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 11/02/12. Some revisions were made, including the complete excise and replacement of certain items, more of that “what the hell was I thinking” quandary. For those keeping score, I am finally back in town after our jaunt to the Cabin in the Middle of Nowhere. (With 647 unanswered emails in my inbox, oh joy of joys.) I already miss being cut off from civilization. Is this how Laura Ingalls Wilder felt?
Oh, in case you’re curious, this is where we were cut off. I can assure you the pain of non-communication was minimized, with four good friends focused solely on four good friends. And a bit of wine and song…
Categories: 10 Reasons Why