Professor Eugene Oregonus is a member of the tenured faculty at The University for People Who Can Actually Afford to Go Here. As such, with that “tenured” angle, just like Supreme Court justices who are worthless but somehow got the promotion, he can say whatever he wants without fear of retribution or termination of employment. Professor Oregonus had these comments to share concerning the sociological aspects of the accompanying photo:
1. This illicit activity is clearly taking place in an establishment that serves alcohol. Demon hooch is the downfall of society. Unless conservative white men are drinking it. As the Lord has written, or one of the Lord’s PR people, conservative white men are not to be questioned about their activities.
2. Sophia is clearly a brazen hussy who will do anything to attract a sex partner. No decent woman would hold a stick in such a slatternly manner. She’s probably on welfare and has never done anything important in her life except sign government checks.
3. The guy on the left is obviously overwhelmed by the appearance of an aggressive female. This is understandable, since he was properly raised in a home where boys are elevated to greatness based on mere anatomy and girls are subjected to a life of disappointment simply because they have indoor plumbing and not an outhouse.
4. The guy in the middle has a couple of issues. First, he has not been properly schooled in how one should wear a belt. The buckle is off-center, and he is going to experience performance issues when it comes time to whip said belt off and threaten underlings (translation: not conservative white males) who have questioned his authority. Spare the rod and spoil the child and all of that. Second, speaking of rods, it appears that he is contemplating rod-usage that is against nature, staring at alternative access points that he should not be reviewing. This is what develops when people think for themselves, a blasphemy that should not be happening.
5. The guy on the right is out of sequence, politically speaking. He should be standing somewhere on the far left, to better represent his fascist-liberal tendencies. He is sporting barrettes in his hair, an unfathomable affront to masculinity. How he got into the military is beyond me. (Oh, who am I kidding? Nancy Boy is the result of those Communist Liberals, with their annoying slogan of “equality for all”, who have been making congressional votes in a progressive manner. This is an outrage against the many unrelated authors who constructed the Bible over the centuries, pontificating on the exact thoughts of Jesus, even though none of these authors ever met or sat down with Jesus at the Jerusalem Starbucks to get His actual opinion.
6. The woman hiding in the background and refusing to fully appear before the camera is most likely a lesbian who is ashamed of the wicked life choices she has made and-
Assistant: “Professor Oregonus?”
Oregonus, annoyed: “What is it now? I’ve already told you that I’m not providing you any healthcare. It’s your own fault that you were procreated by people with no money.”
Assistant: “Yeah, we’ve covered that. You are a guiltless god who was born into luxury and you have no concept of the daily struggle. Whatever. Anyway, your check just came from the Koch Brothers. Should I deposit this in the Cayman Islands along with the others?”
Oregonus: “Oh, happy day. See, I’ve told you a million times that morality is a pointless consideration in the accumulation of wealth. Just follow the party line: wait to be told who you should hate this week, vociferously hate them until advised of another target, then attack said new target even if the target has done something your own party has done in the past. People have short memories. That’s how you win elections.”
Assistant: “Yes, so you keep telling me, as if that’s some source of pride. Anyway, about this check?”
Oregonus: “Cayman Islands, of course. If it wasn’t for unregulated and unquestioned funding sources, and some aggressive gerrymandering here and there, we would actually have to depend on people making up their own minds when it comes to elections.”
Assistant: “The horror. The mere concept of a fair election process will keep me awake tonight, as I struggle to pay off my student loans that have an interest rate which most decent countries would consider an outrage, never mind the mystifying aspect that the students should have to get a loan in the first place.”
Oregonus: “I don’t really care, never having suffered financially. Oh, and post this article on my blog.”
Assistant: “But it doesn’t appear to be complete. You haven’t finished desecrating the Wicked Lesbian.”
Oregonus: “Doesn’t matter. I’ve got my check.”
Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 07/19/15 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 10/21/15. Slight revisions were made for this post, mostly involving the correction of the professor’s name. For whatever reason, I changed the spelling halfway through that original post. Was late-night drinking involved in this snafu? Possibly. Do I have a very short attention span, aided and abetted by feline children who greatly relish pouncing on my keyboard at critical moments of composition? The much more likely culprit…
Categories: Past Imperfect