Humor

25 Things That Scotch the Cat Is Probably Thinking in This Picture

1. “I am king of this box. And my rule will be unstoppable. Anyone who questions my authority will find a mangled cricket on their pillow tonight.”

2. “Why are you asking me to smile? Our people smile for no one.”

3. “Don’t you dare come at me with that feather-on-a-stick thing. I may have succumbed to such evil machinations in my carefree kitty days, but I am older and wiser now. Homey don’t play that.”

4. “Someone said there would be food in here. They must die for their deception.”

5. “How long are we going to sit on the runway before this thing takes off? And where are my peanuts? I specifically asked for peanuts.”

6. “If you don’t go away in the next three seconds, I will knock everything off your desk. And then do it again. And again.”

7. “I have no knowledge of how that hairball managed to appear in the hallway. If you insist on further accusations, I will go to my dark side and stay there.”

8. “I’d like to have a word with you about what I just found in your nightstand.”

9. “At least this box is always here for me and doesn’t go away on ‘vacation’ like you do.”

10. “I shall now perform my mystifying trick of scratching at the absolute nothingness in the bottom of this box for a solid 30 minutes until you snap.”

11. “Let’s revisit this thing about me only getting wet food once a week.”

12. “I like pie.”

13. “I do too have a perfectly good reason for thundering from one end of the house to the other and then jumping halfway up the wall. I’m just not allowed to share critical information with someone who has your crappy level of security clearance.”

14. “I will not be returning your remote control until the other horrid cat in this house is forced to live somewhere else.”

15. “I find it highly amusing when you are walking down a darkened hallway and then you do the funny dance when you think you are stepping on my tail but it’s really one of my 47 cat toys. Please do that some more. Your comical ineptitude is one of the reasons why I conditionally agreed to live here.”

16. “Speaking of, there’s really no reason why I can’t have fifty toys. Or even more. You know how easily those things lose their charm. But I can still tell you exactly where every single one of them is at this very moment.”

17. “We’ve talked about this. I’m not allowed to show you any affection or they will take away one of my merit badges.”

18. “I now have feline seniority in this house. Don’t expect me to give that up easily.”

19. “Notice that green plastic thing on the couch to my right. It used to float. Now it does not. That’s just one of my many powers.”

20. “I will no longer fall for your deceptive practice of luring me with a kitty treat and then shoving a pill down my throat. Those days are over.”

21. “I am waiting for you to lay back on the couch so I can knead your belly with my claws that should have been trimmed a week ago, but you will endure the pain because you love me and I have no idea that I’m ripping you to shreds.”

22. “I greatly enjoy the expression on your face when I leap onto the bed in the middle of the night and land in your crotch. Gets me every time.”

23. “Yes, my eyes are glowing. Most humans fail to understand the meaning of this until it’s too late.”

24. “It doesn’t matter what I’ve done, I can always flop on the floor and do that roll-and-stretch thing, making me so adorably cute that all is forgiven.”

25. “It all goes back to the day when my berries went missing. Are you still claiming that you have no knowledge of how that went down?”

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 05/04/12 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 07/17/15. Minor revisions have been made. For those keeping score who remember that I semi-promised the next Scotch post would concern his recent intestinal malfunction, well, I lied. Skillful deception is one of the hallmarks here at Bonnywood. Just ask the cats.

Hey, who left this mangled cricket on my pillow?

 

38 replies »

  1. Love it, and had a bit of a tear in one eye because the picture looks a lot like one I have of my cat (no longer with us) who used to love Christmas for all the boxes the kids’ toys came in and all the crinkly paper and string. My daughter has a rescue cat who is anything but grateful and hides around a corner specifically to rush at you as you naively saunter past in your bare feet and sinks her claws and teeth into your ankle! We looked after her once while they went on holiday. It was the one and only time. I still bear the scars.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. DAY 13,421 of captivity: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” I must learn more about this and how to use it to my advantage

    Liked by 2 people

  3. #12? Yep. We ALL do. You have ‘sparked’ a post with that whole ’empty bottom of the box scratching at nothingness” bit. And I agree with Ms. Sisco up there, any day that starts with Scotch can’t be bad..

    Liked by 2 people

  4. What is it with cats and boxes, and why do we even bother buying them toys when a plastic ring from the milk jug does just as well?
    That’s a great photo. Question: do you still use the Keurig? We did for about a year, thinking it was a gift from heaven. Then, eh, not so much. Sold it at the last yard sale.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scotch WORSHIPS boxes. Every time one is brought into the house, he instantly becomes aroused and will not leave its side until we take whatever out of it and he can leap inside.

      I still use a Keurig, although I did downsize from the behemoth “55-gallon water reservoir” to a single serve, mainly due to space considerations on the counter. (The massive one is on standby for familial visits, tucked away in a lesser-accessed cabinet.) I almost stopped at one point, feeling quite guilty about the landfill situation with the cups, but then I discovered a brand (Fulton St.) that makes special cups, where you can easily pop the little filter bag out and then recycle the plastic. I should point out, though, that I generally only have one cup of coffee or tea a day, and Terry does not drink either. If I was a multi-cup consumer, the Keurig would get annoying after a while.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Bahahaha! 😀 Excellent. Kitties are so dastardly, but alas, so adorable.. and they know this. My cat Snickers loves to knead my belly when i lie back on the couch. It doesn’t hurt much, but it always makes me have to pee. My bladder isn’t what it used to be.

    Liked by 1 person

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