Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #498

Gary: “Is that someone at the door? Are you expecting anyone?”

Ann: “Of course not. I have no idea who it is. And I didn’t sleep with the vacuum cleaner salesman.”

Gary: “That seems like a lot of information to share when a simple ‘no’ would have been sufficient.”

Ann: “I’m sorry, dear. I’m just tired and worn out. But it’s not because I spent the entire afternoon letting the salesman show me exactly what all those attachments can do for the lady of the house.”

Gary: “You’re starting to worry me. Should I be concerned that you are denying things that you haven’t been accused of?”

Ann: “No, no concern at all. I’m telling you the absolute truth when I say that I have never slept with another man since we got married.”

Justine: “Excuse me, could I put in a word or two?”

Gary: “Who said that? Is there somebody else in the room?”

Justine: “No, I’m not in the room, because you haven’t opened this damn door yet, you babbling twits. Let me break things down for you, Gary the Slow. Ann is being clever with her phrasing, and so far she has told the truth. But if you replace the word ‘man’ with the word ‘woman’ in all of her statements, then everything she has just said to you is a lie.”

Gary: “Then that would mean…”

Ann: “That I’ve never slept with a man named Justine!”

Justine: “See, she’s doing it again, Gary. Now, before you two jump on the divorce train, could somebody open this door so I can get my sample kit that I left in your now-cold bedroom? I’ve got some other sales calls scheduled on this street full of lonely housewives.”


Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 02/22/17. No changes made, although I did briefly have an urge to insert an additional line concerning a game of leap frog. But I couldn’t quite hit the right mark so I had to squelch the idea..


16 replies »

  1. Ann: “Hold me darling! But not too tightly mind, this IS a ‘G’ rated blog and I’ve just had my hair shellacked and lacquered into these impossible to maintain waves…”
    Gary: “So that’s what I smell. I knew this aquiline nose hadn’t let me down, which is why I’m sporting that slightly smarmy “bad smell under my nose” expression…but dearest heart, isn’t your lacquer just the tiniest bit FISHY?”
    Ann: “I have no idea what you’re on about. Fish? … um ohhhh. Er, there was a snake oil person lurking about the front door this morning, perhaps you smell THAT?”
    Justine: “How DARE you, a MAN, imply a lack of proper hygiene on either of our parts! Fie! And being a MAN, you couldn’t possibly understand just how much of a huge shock it is to have some frosty Summer’s Eve thrust upon your petal portal..”
    Gary: ” WHO AM I TALKING TO?? I’m confused. But that’s a state of being that the average male knows intimately from having to deal with females. Incomprehensible, simply incomprehensible.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Vacuum Cleaner: “Am I the only sane person in this room?”

      Justine: “Must I remind you that I am still not IN the room?”

      Little Sally, strolling past on the sidewalk: “I think the neighbors have been tippling again.”

      Little Billy, also strolling: “That’s one way to put it…”


  2. Funny, Brian. I’m wondering what happened to their hairlines. Too much waxing! They both need new stylists, I think. And what’s that glowing orb over Gary’s shoulder?
    (You have me investigating all the weirdness in these photos.)

    Liked by 1 person

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