Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #499

Jean: “How lovely of you to present me with such a treasure. Might I inquire as to what exactly it might be?”

James: “I have no idea. I found it on the floor in the other room, and since I didn’t bother to get you anything nice for our date, I thought a thoughtless gift would make you horny enough to help you overlook my thoughtlessness and we could make bang-bang in front of the prop fireplace behind us.”

Jean: “I see. Well, if you’ll allow me to have an opinion, despite the fact that I have a vagina, your thoughtless gift appears to be an IUD.”

James: “An IUD? That sounds like a weapon of mass destruction, and all Republican men are aroused by acronyms and thoughts of destruction. So can we bang-bang now?”

Jean: “Um, no. And while I do appreciate your thoughtlessness, it’s time for you to go.”

James: “Go? But I’m wearing a uniform. And I even changed my underwear.”

Jean: “How quaint. Still, it’s best that you move on to Plan B.”

James: “I don’t have a Plan B.”

Jean: “You should. And here’s a bit of advice. The next time you are trying to impress a woman, or a man, or the livestock at the local dairy, or whatever incites you to make bang-bang, you might want to put a little more thought into your efforts.”

James turns to go, pauses, turns back: “So what the hell is an IUD, anyway?”

Jean: “Insurance for dealing with men who don’t have a Plan B.”

James: “And why was it on the floor of your foyer?”

Jean: “Because I do have a Plan B. And there’s apparently a hole in my purse.”

 

Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 02/23/17. No changes made, although I did consider adding a sparkly glow around the IUD, just for grins, but my photo-editing software did not feel like playing nice…

 

18 replies »

  1. “The next time you are trying to impress a woman, or a man, or the livestock at the local dairy…”
    This is so profound. Because I grew up in La Jolla, and we had no livestock that wasn’t imported and eaten… well, excluding the people.
    Now I live at The Holler. And we have free range cattle, and an imported from Africa, ankole watusi.
    Google it.
    I do know from this new Holler experience, that it is virtually impossible to impress “the livestock.”
    They are obviously so much smarter than us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And here I thought an ankole watusi was a dance I invented after a record-breaking degree of beer consumption at a frat party in college. I stand corrected. As for the wisdom of animals over most humans, well, I conceded that point some time before I performed the ankole watusi in the Sigma Nu house… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah, that uniform’s not doing it for me either. Nor the hairstyle. Part in the middle, slicked back. Only Tesla could pull that one off, and only because he had that sexy, brainy thing going on.
    People say Einstein was sexy, but come on! Dark smoldering eyes, nicely trimmed ‘stache. What’s not to love?
    Wow. This comment really got away from me. Sorry about that. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. No wonder the poor clueless wonder doesn’t get to make ‘bang bang’ or do the horizontal mambo very often…he doesn’t even know that Plan B includes visiting Mistress Palm and her five sisters…. sad. Now Jean is on the beam and surprisingly opinionated, given she was at her peak (in so many ways) in the 30s when all ‘good’ women were ignernt (Utahism meaning ignorant), barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen cooking or in the boudoir doing that activity referred to by Clueless Wonder who was surprisingly cheap and still expected a party… poor, poor deluded fool…

    Liked by 1 person

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