Past Imperfect – #518

Jimmy: “There’s something happening here.”

Claudette: “There is? Is it my hairdo? I knew something didn’t feel right about this choice.”

Jimmy: “What it is ain’t exactly clear.”

Claudette: “Oh. Well, if it’s not me, you must be talking about the rather rude way you’re sitting, showing your junk and all. That’s never going to sell in the fly-over states.”

Jimmy: “There’s a man with a gun over there.”

Claudette: “Really? Then it must be Jimmy Cagney or Humphrey Bogart or Joan Crawford. All three of those men like props that can kill. I try to be pleasant about it when I work with them, but it’s really annoying.”

Jimmy: “Telling me I got to beware.”

Claudette: “Beware of what? Now you’re starting to scare me. Is this when I’m supposed to go to my safe room?”

Jimmy: “I think it’s time we stop, children, what’s that sound.”

Claudette: “Well, I was hoping no one would notice, but I’ve been on a strict vegan diet lately, and there’s a lot of turbulence when you’re doing such. Those cauliflower burgers never shut up.”

Jimmy: “Everybody look what’s going down.”

Claudette: “Now you’re back to the rude angle. I have no plans to go down on anything, and neither should you, despite the rumors I’ve heard about that one roommate you had when you went to the liberal arts college.”

Production Assistant, running onto the set despite strict advisement from the director that he should never do such no matter how much he craved the spotlight: “Miss Colbert, while I am somewhat enjoying your floundering, I feel compelled to inform you that Mister Stewart is simply doing a performance art piece involving a protest song that will be released in the Sixties. Jimmy is a visionary, praise be.”

Claudette: “Why on earth would he do that? It’s 1939. This is absurdly surreal and my contract with the studio specifically states that absurd surrealism is something I should never have to deal with unless my career tanks and I have to start making movies in Italy.”

Assistant: “Should I mention that your new passport just arrived on the set?”

Claudette: “Damn it. Hedda Hopper told me I wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of thing now that I’ve won an Oscar.”

Jimmy: “Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong.”

Claudette: “Oh, blow it out your pie-hole, Jimmy.”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 05/01/17. No changes made, as this one is twisted enough as it is. And I’m sure some of you are just glad that I’m done with re-posting that damn pumpkin story…


29 replies »

  1. I love jimmy singing hippy songs. I recognized the song right away. I think i know the hooks from every single hippy hit because i grew up watching tv and they would always have the commercials for those hippie compilations on casette tapes. Every time there is a vietnam era movie i wait for the obligatory 30seconds of ccr and fortunate son.
    ooh that red white and blue.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cassette tapes? When I was the one watching the commercials, they were still recording music on stone tablets. Of course, I’m older than dirt. But even way back then, CCR was a go-to soundtrack choice… 😉


  2. Inspirational. 🙂

    When Jimmy starts mixing Star Wars dialogue with Leonard Cohen lyrics, while alluding to Trump dis-phraseology, he will achieved a new level or something.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ‘For What It’s Worth’ Jimmy was far ahead of his time. And personally I kinda liked how those old tyme movie men sat. Gave a girl an idea of the the fun (or lack of same) that might be had later in the goings on. Reminds me of a story I heard from a friend of mine regarding a bus (she rode the bus everywhere), a young man dozing, an extremely short pair of cut offs and the commando status he was enjoying, which was obvious to the whole bus. Cut offs and underwear should be mandatory companions, even if the view might be more pleasant the other way… And personally I LOVED the pumpkin story..although it took me a while to get the ‘bumpkin’ part… o.O 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m not sure what I love more, Jimmy & Claudette’s exchange, or the fact that with Jimmy’s first line I was humming the tune and wasn’t at all surprised to find you there as well. Honestly, I’m quite pleased with myself. 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just imagine us around a campfire on a lovely evening in some bear-free woods, surrounded by loving friends and a few cocktails. Our inspired vocalizations would solve all the world’s problems. At least for a few minutes…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. These Past Imperfect pieces *are* surreal since these movies are so familiar. Songs too. Whatever your time machine is smoking I want some. Found myself laughing a few times. Thank you. ♥.

    Liked by 1 person

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