Jimmy: “There’s something happening here.”
Claudette: “There is? Is it my hairdo? I knew something didn’t feel right about this choice.”
Jimmy: “What it is ain’t exactly clear.”
Claudette: “Oh. Well, if it’s not me, you must be talking about the rather rude way you’re sitting, showing your junk and all. That’s never going to sell in the fly-over states.”
Jimmy: “There’s a man with a gun over there.”
Claudette: “Really? Then it must be Jimmy Cagney or Humphrey Bogart or Joan Crawford. All three of those men like props that can kill. I try to be pleasant about it when I work with them, but it’s really annoying.”
Jimmy: “Telling me I got to beware.”
Claudette: “Beware of what? Now you’re starting to scare me. Is this when I’m supposed to go to my safe room?”
Jimmy: “I think it’s time we stop, children, what’s that sound.”
Claudette: “Well, I was hoping no one would notice, but I’ve been on a strict vegan diet lately, and there’s a lot of turbulence when you’re doing such. Those cauliflower burgers never shut up.”
Jimmy: “Everybody look what’s going down.”
Claudette: “Now you’re back to the rude angle. I have no plans to go down on anything, and neither should you, despite the rumors I’ve heard about that one roommate you had when you went to the liberal arts college.”
Production Assistant, running onto the set despite strict advisement from the director that he should never do such no matter how much he craved the spotlight: “Miss Colbert, while I am somewhat enjoying your floundering, I feel compelled to inform you that Mister Stewart is simply doing a performance art piece involving a protest song that will be released in the Sixties. Jimmy is a visionary, praise be.”
Claudette: “Why on earth would he do that? It’s 1939. This is absurdly surreal and my contract with the studio specifically states that absurd surrealism is something I should never have to deal with unless my career tanks and I have to start making movies in Italy.”
Assistant: “Should I mention that your new passport just arrived on the set?”
Claudette: “Damn it. Hedda Hopper told me I wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of thing now that I’ve won an Oscar.”
Jimmy: “Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong.”
Claudette: “Oh, blow it out your pie-hole, Jimmy.”
Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 05/01/17. No changes made, as this one is twisted enough as it is. And I’m sure some of you are just glad that I’m done with re-posting that damn pumpkin story…
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You are indeed surreally funny…
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Thank you, G. This warms my heart immensely, and I say that with complete conviction, despite an undisclosed amount of wine that may or may not have been consumed by someone you peripherally know… 😉
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😈😝
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Vintage! Very very clever and very very funny. 💃
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Cleverness, really, is the unanticipated outcome of people being allowed Internet access without adult supervision… 😉
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Claudette…. great name choice. Don’t know why I like that.
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I know why I like it 🙂
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Lol that’s good! Would be sad if you didn’t 😉
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Beware is right. Venture here and you’ll die of laughter.
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On the flip side, venture here and your Internet history might prove a stumbling block when trying to obtain a visa to certain countries… 😉
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Crusty Pie sounds deliciously…nasty. LOLOL
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Which is exactly where I was going… 😉
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I love jimmy singing hippy songs. I recognized the song right away. I think i know the hooks from every single hippy hit because i grew up watching tv and they would always have the commercials for those hippie compilations on casette tapes. Every time there is a vietnam era movie i wait for the obligatory 30seconds of ccr and fortunate son.
ooh that red white and blue.
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Cassette tapes? When I was the one watching the commercials, they were still recording music on stone tablets. Of course, I’m older than dirt. But even way back then, CCR was a go-to soundtrack choice… 😉
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Inspirational. 🙂
When Jimmy starts mixing Star Wars dialogue with Leonard Cohen lyrics, while alluding to Trump dis-phraseology, he will achieved a new level or something.
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Let’s face it, Jimmy’s personal philosophy was WAY better than Dianetics hoped it could be… 😉
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So true.
As Jimmy said after he smoked some high quality Dianetic,
“Pack up your Tribbles in an old Kilingon-barge, And smile, smile, smile,…..”
Jimmy was funny that way. 🙂
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‘For What It’s Worth’ Jimmy was far ahead of his time. And personally I kinda liked how those old tyme movie men sat. Gave a girl an idea of the the fun (or lack of same) that might be had later in the goings on. Reminds me of a story I heard from a friend of mine regarding a bus (she rode the bus everywhere), a young man dozing, an extremely short pair of cut offs and the commando status he was enjoying, which was obvious to the whole bus. Cut offs and underwear should be mandatory companions, even if the view might be more pleasant the other way… And personally I LOVED the pumpkin story..although it took me a while to get the ‘bumpkin’ part… o.O 😉
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A lovely comment, as usual, well-thought and precise, but my subdued animalistic nature can’t help but wonder… where can I find this bus that your friend rode?… 😉
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Now, you know…I had to sing the Jimmy dialog. 🙂
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And I was singing it the entire time I was writing this bit… 😉
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I feel compelled that I would never say the things that she does – 🙂
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Duly noted. But surely, there must have been at least one point in your life when you would have cherished the opportunity to tell someone to blow it out their pie-hole. It just seems like a freeing thing to say… 😉
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Just for the record “Blow it out your pie hole” IS extremely freeing, satisfying and best of all you can say it anywhere. Nobody will blush, faint or have a heart attack because someone else has used, shall we say, ‘dirty’ words…and the meaning is totally clear.
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Well, being an Ocker, I wouldn’t have put it that way 🙂 – pie-hole is way to sophisticated for us!
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I’m not sure what I love more, Jimmy & Claudette’s exchange, or the fact that with Jimmy’s first line I was humming the tune and wasn’t at all surprised to find you there as well. Honestly, I’m quite pleased with myself. 🤗
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Just imagine us around a campfire on a lovely evening in some bear-free woods, surrounded by loving friends and a few cocktails. Our inspired vocalizations would solve all the world’s problems. At least for a few minutes…
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