Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #471

Myrna: “Well, then. I guess we should explore our backyard more often. Who knew that you could stand at this part of the fence and see directly into the neighbor’s living room, where they appear to be decorating the Christmas tree in the nude. Is that a thing these days?”

Warner: “I have no idea. But I do know that both of them are going to end up with pine needles in places they didn’t expect. Nothing says poor decision-making like waking up with tree sap on your butt.”

Myrna: “Oh, don’t be such a stick. You’re just jealous that they… oh my. Did you just see his ornament? If he puts that thing on the tree, it’s sure to fall over.”

Warner: “And did you see her voluminous bookends? She must have a tether rope on her foot to keep her from floating away. Of course, when it’s time to top the tree they can just cut the rope and let her bounce against the ceiling until she gets the star in place.”

Myrna: “They seem to be happy, though. Why don’t we ever do anything festive anymore?”

Warner: “Because we’ve been married since Cleopatra was a baby. We’ve done everything fun. Now we’re stuck with each other because no one else will tolerate either one of us. We are fated to a life of bickering and making up on a continual basis, and we have it down to a fine art. Why mess with perfection?”

Myrna: “Oh. Are you wanting to fight now? Because I have plenty of ammo.”

Warner: “I didn’t say that. I implied it, but I didn’t quite go there. Unless you think we should. What does the rest of our day look like?”

Myrna: “We have the Wellingtons coming over for dinner at eight. And you know they’ll stay forever because we have better bourbon than they do.”

Warner: “So we should probably get our daily quibble out of the way. You go first.”

Myrna: “I don’t understand why you do that thing with your mustache. It looks like a very skinny inchworm trying to find a mate.”

Warner: “That was pretty good. My turn. That hat looks like a very sad football, and you didn’t even bother to take the security tag off of it.”

Myrna: “That one was fairly weak. No bonus points.”

Warner: “Yeah, I’m off my game a bit. Seeing that ornament did a number on my self-confidence. Still, can we call it done?”

Myrna: “I suppose so. My heart’s not in it either. I’m clearly past the point where my bookends will have me waltzing among the clouds. Perhaps we should skip this round.”

Warner: “Good idea. Especially since it looks like they are about to sever Helium-Etta’s tether cord. This should be good. By the way, there’s no one else on this planet I would rather trade barbs with whilst standing at a fence and watching naked people do absurd things.”

Myrna: “I know that. Why do you think I bought an annoying hat for the occasion?”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 12/02/16. No changes made, as Helium-Etta has just sprung a leak and rocketed over my house. The naked man from next door has just asked me to help track her down and I’ve got to run…


21 replies »

  1. I hadn’t really noticed the hat (until it was pointed out). I was busy trying to resolve facial hair and inch worms in need of some really caloric noshes…the one on the face of the male actor named Warner (whom I’ve never heard of before) is making me squirm. Maybe because I am watching Poirot and THOSE mustaches, albeit attached to a tiny person with a head shaped like an egg, would put the inchworm one to shame, if not outright kill it. Some men never learn that facial hair ain’t for everybody and should just give over. My own (carefully waxed and plucked and shaved off so nobody knows it’s there or so I probably delude myself) is more luxuriant than Warner’s. Perhaps he should try menopause….

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is rather difficult to pull one’s eyes away from the emaciated worm, despite the abundance of other focus opportunities. I completely agree that some men never clue into their follicular inabilities. (And I say this after having sported a mustache for the past year that nearly everyone has deemed ridiculous, at least with their eyes. But my challenge lies in the other direction, in that I can quickly cultivate an abundance of facial hair, and my mustache could take down an orbiting satellite.)

      Love that last line…


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