Tour Guide: “And over here, boys and girls, we have the Charles F. Nelson house.”
Little Billy: “Who cares.”
Little Andy: “My juice box is empty.”
Little Sally: “I gotta pee.”
Tour Guide: “It’s one of the most famous houses in Olalla, Washington.”
Little Billy: “Why? Did somebody die here?”
Little Andy: “Were they murdered?”
Little Sally: “Was there blood?”
Tour Guide: “Well, the house is over a hundred years old, so I’m sure somebody died at some point. That’s just how it works. But that’s not why we’re here.”
Little Billy: “We’re here because you made us get off the bus.”
Little Andy: “I wanna see a death house.”
Little Sally: “With blood.”
Tour Guide: “This house is a beautiful example of late-Victorian architecture.”
Little Billy: “Who’s Victoria? Why is she late?”
Little Andy: “Was she hacked to death because she was late?”
Little Sally: “Can we see her body?”
Tour Guide, giving up: “Okay, fine. Why don’t you little heathens stare at the darkened windows on the right side of the second floor. That’s where you might be able to see the ghost of Victoria the Axe Killer who chopped up hundreds of kids from private schools who had focus issues. If she looks directly at you, that means you’re next. I’m going to go over here by this blood-drenched tree, Little Sally, so I can pop a calming pill that you should probably be taking, swig a gallon of vodka, update my resumé on LinkedIn, and move on with my life.”
Little Billy: “Oh, we drink vodka all the time.”
Little Andy: “That’s why I’m mad that my juice box is empty.”
Little Sally: “My favorite is Skyy Blood Orange.”
Tour Guide, stunned: “How are you terrible mini-humans allowed to roam free in public?”
Little Billy: “Offshore bank accounts.”
Little Andy: “Citizens United.”
Little Sally: “The NRA bitch-slapping Congress.”
Tour Guide: “This is insane. What has happened to your decency at such a young age?”
Little Billy: “Republicans cutting funding for education.”
Little Andy: “”Republicans gerrymandering the hell out of electoral maps.”
Little Sally: “Inbreeding.”
Tour Guide: “This is more than I can handle. I’ve got to call for backup.” [Tour Guide turns and runs toward a safe house that hopefully hasn’t been compromised by the mindless Walking Dead, whipping out her satellite phone.] “Bernie, this is Freelancer, I need an airlift. The stupid is thick in these parts.”
Ted Cruz, one of those self-proclaimed evangelical Senators from Texas who wouldn’t know morality from a hole in the ground, once again wandering into a place that he isn’t qualified to be: “Well done, my little minions who aren’t disturbed that I look like a pedophile. You shall be rewarded greatly for your efforts, even though those efforts are in support of a megalomaniac who has no boundaries. You can touch me now, basking in my glow as the next Jesus.”
Little Billy: “I want the money you promised me.”
Little Andy: “And my juice box is still dry.”
Little Sally: “And I still need to pee.”
Ted: “Now, now, my flock. Don’t worry your empty little heads. Have I told you the story about Saint Ronnie and the Trickle-Down Theory? No? Well, it goes something like this. Once upon a time, some lies were told…”
Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 10/20/15 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 03/28/16. Slight changes made, mainly to soften the political aspects for those not familiar with the American electoral carnival. Randomly-related note: I need to dig out a certain story in the archives involving Skyy vodka and a subsequent poor lifestyle decision during a trip to Hawaii. It didn’t involve the Blood Orange flavor, but it did involve shame…
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
Pass the vodka!
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I always do so willingly…
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Little lies? I think not!
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True enough. That trickle-down lie perpetuates to this day…
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Please dig out the Hawaiian Skyy vodka drama. I have the need to read. As for this one – it’s positively toe-curlingly accurate. I may need podiatry urgently 😉
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I may have to do a prequel to the actual story, as it may otherwise come across as just a little too bizarre for the comfort of some people… 😉
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This is exactly why I seldom write about myself …. stranger than fiction this old life 😉
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Best of luck with the diggin’!
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I’m clicking away as we speak. I have a feeling that I may have given this one a not-easy-to-remember file name and then complicated things by tucking it into one of those folders that you no longer remember why you created it… 😉
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The stupid is thick in these parts. LMAO I have to remember that one.
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Use it freely! 🙂
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The Tour Guide should have properly said “The stupid is overwhelmingly thick in these parts. Send liberals immediately!! (well MODERATE liberals. We’re not going to cause the Apocalypse by introducing the two extremes together too soon.) And then been air lifted to parts where the air isn’t thick and neither is the inbreeding. This is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever read actually. Because despite your penchant for snarky (sarky? I never can keep those two straight) repartee….the portrayal is dead on accurate for those ‘children’ in private schools. Or so I imagine, having gone to public school my entire life. I base my assumptions on the antics of a cousin, who was sent to St. Bernadette’s Catholic Private School for Girls of Good Family (the name changed to protect my bank account…those fools at the private schools will sue ya just for mentioning their name). The cousin in question has grown up to eschew her ‘people’ wholesale and will cut you dead, should you happen to bump into her whilst shopping at the local Megamart. It could be of course that she doesn’t want to admit to shopping at Megamart and therefore insists on plausible deniability. She is (from our brief encounters over the last half century) rather dim witted, walks around looking like she has a smell under her nose, and wears a lot of faux fur clothing. Last thing…nobody in the family at large is Catholic, so why that made her think she was superior is beyond me. But I hear she converted. I’m not bad mouthing Catholicism at all mind, it’s just another tiny clue to my cousin’s extremely odd behavior. ‘Course I don’t claim relationship to 99.9% of MY family either, so who’m I to judge? Our country is beyond f*cked given the portrayal of “little billie, andy and sally” in your piece. Weep for us and send those gorgeous expensive dutch iris that cost the earth and don’t even smell.
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Sadly, it’s not just the pampered, conservative youth who have a disconnect with reality. Some of those liberal young uns also have some focus issues on what’s really important in life, sheltered as they have been by always getting what they want. There’s a lot of work ahead of us…
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Vodka in juice boxes! You may have hit on something!
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Such a thing would certainly solve a few problems. But it could also create some new ones… 😉
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I’m with Osyth, a gem from the archives involving vodka and “a poor lifestyle decision”? You’re such a tease! Bring it forth, we must have it!
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Well, now I’m getting concerned that said tale will not be as interesting I remember it to be. It will certainly need some careful editing (once I find it). Perhaps I should learn to quit teasing a story that I haven’t read since Bush was in office… 😉
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Cruz very much so looks like a pedo.
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Right? How can anyone take a look at him and think “hey, I completely trust him!” Blech.
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Didn’t he say porn was horrible & then an old roommate came forward saying how much he use to watch porn? This is the hypocritical right crap that cracks me up. Like the ones that are anti-gay but secretly meet young men in hotel rooms. I read this interesting article about Roy Moore on how if it had been young men that came out about the sexual assault, the Republicans would have dropped him quick. But since it was women, they didn’t believe it. It was actually a really good point.
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Hehe! Loved this! Especially the references to Queen Victoria! Thanks for making me laugh, Brian! 😄
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It gives me great pleasure when I can help other people giggle… 😉
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I’ll take a juice box of vodka too! Though i prefer gin. Oh well. I’d also prefer someone besides Trump in the White House, as all intelligent and well educated, compassionate people do. Alas, we are stuck with him because the lying, cheating, despotic Republicans in Congress have no guts or heart or smarts. Phew. Okay. Done now, but i could go on A LOT longer…
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Please continue as long as you like, as not only are we on the same page, we’re on the same exact sentences… 😉
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