Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #484

Carole: “Darling, how thoughtful of you. I’ve always wanted my own personal callous remover. You think of everything.”

Darling: “Actually, I didn’t think of everything. I forgot to call you downstairs when it was time to open presents. Christmas was two weeks ago.”

Carole: “Really? I hadn’t noticed. I’ve been binge-watching My Name Is Earl and trying to figure out how the hell that show lasted four seasons.”

Darling: “Don’t waste your time. Some mysteries were never meant to be solved, like those vague charges on your phone bill or why people would buy sushi at a convenience store. Still, I seem to be a bit of a mess when it comes to proper etiquette as your husband, and this makes me a tad blue on the days when I’m not drinking. I don’t know why we got married.”

Carole: “Oh, please. We both know the answer to that one. You married me for my trust fund, and I married you because the trust fund stipulates that I marry someone whilst my ovaries still had flight clearance. It was a simple matter of economics, tax evasion, and my absolute boredom with trying to find the proper suitor because I have severe focus issues when it comes to doing the right thing. It’s the American way.”

Darling: “So you don’t mind that I sometimes forget to visit your wing of the mansion for days on end. Or that we have never actually consummated our eternal love?”

Carole: “Of course not. I’m not a fan of sweaty bestiality in the boudoir. I just want to watch my TV shows and be able to order anything I want on eBay and not worry about whether or not I can afford it. This is also the American way. But I do have one request concerning your non-consummation.”

Darling: “Anything, my pet.”

Carole: “When you’re doing the consummation with all those people with whom you are not married, could you tone down the exuberance just a little bit? Despite our separate wings in this manse, your bedroom backs up to my bedroom and it’s rather annoying when the cacophony of your nocturnal nookie overwhelms the soundtrack on the latest episode of Will and Grace. I don’t care who you bang, but I don’t appreciate being unable to hear witty gay banter.”

Darling: “My apologies. I will endeavor to bang with less enthusiasm.”

Carole: “Splendid. Now, I’m off to pleasure myself with your lovely Christmas gift.”

Darling: “You enjoy removing your callouses?”

Carole: “Honey, this is a vibrator. I ordered one just like it on eBay last week. But it shorted out during a critical moment while I was binge-watching Spartacus.”

Darling: “Oh my. I had no idea what I was getting when I made the transaction.”

Carole: “I think we’ve established that, based on our marriage. It’s been a lovely chat. Same time, next year?”

Darling: “Looking forward to it.”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 01/07/17. Massive changes made, as the original piece only had three lines of dialogue and had no hint of sexuality, much like the courtship of Donald and Melania Trump. Cheers.


15 replies »

  1. “not a fan of sweaty bestiality in the boudoir” – means please keep the dog, cats and parrot out of the bedroom,… especially the parrot, you know how he likes to talk.

    Nothing keeps a lady mellow like her callous remover.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And here I was thinking ‘Darling’ gave her Arpege…because well Arpege apparently was supposed to cover any gift giving social situation. Since I’ve never met anyone who actually wore Arpege, I have no idea if Ms. Carole there would appreciate it or not…but obviously she did appreciate the ‘callous remover’…it’s the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving…

    Liked by 1 person

    • More importantly, what the hell is Arpege? Is this another missing brick in my cultural foundation? I’m assuming it’s perfume. Or maybe a shawl? Perhaps a nice cloche hat that has wi-fi capability? I really need to get out more… 😉


  3. Oooh, massive changes to republished works. Clever!
    Remember the author (can’t remember her name, natch) who made massive rewrites to her novel upon its anniversary re-release? Causing fans to weep and gnash their teeth?
    Don’t worry, I remember the photo but not the accompanying text, so you’re safe. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now I’m feeling guilty. Have I committed yet another literary faux pas? Is #unedited now trending on Twitter? What can I do to atone for my sins! How can I ever redeem myself? Oh, look at the time, I missed my last scheduled anxiety pill. Better rectify that. One second. [Sounds of gulping.] Ah, much better. Now, where were we?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My Name Is Earl. Sadly, i remember that show, and the 5 minutes of the one and only epusode i attempted to watch. Ick. I marvel at how many seasons bad shows can sometimes last.

    Callous remover. Lol. Perfect. My grandmother used to call the ones on her feet corns. Also, ick. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • There were actually a few early episodes of Earl that were downright funny in parts. Sadly, we spent the rest of the seasons waiting for a rekindling of the magic that never happened….


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