10 Reasons Why

10 Things You’ll Find Yourself Experiencing Much More When You Get Older

1. Surprise naps.

You get a phone call from your favorite niece, but instead of running around and jumping excitedly during the conversation like you would when you were fifteen like your niece, you have to find a comfy chair, because talking and walking is just far too much combined effort at one time. As you settle into the chair, you realize that it is very relaxing to not have to use your legs, and your niece really has a lot to say, so you’ll just let her babble while you grunt approvingly every now and then.

Then you wake up, and it’s quite some time later. Your cell phone battery is dead. And your niece has graduated from high school.

2. Pain from body parts that you didn’t even know existed.

All you’re trying to do is stand up from a sitting position. You don’t recall doing anything especially strenuous or odd whilst sitting, but suddenly you experience a startling pain shooting through your… well, you’re not sure what it is, but basic intelligence alerts you that whatever it is, it shouldn’t be hurting like that. It almost feels like somebody shoved an arrow through your… thing. But don’t try to look around and see if an archer is standing nearby, giggling, because then you’ll just twist something else that wants to protest. Immediately proceed to the bathroom and review your prescription bottles for the one that seems the most appropriate for “I don’t know what the hell that was all about but I want a pill”.

3. Leaky plumbing.

I can only speak from the male side of things, but I’m sure there’s an equivalent irksomeness on the female side. Whilst in the bathroom making your selection of prescribed candy that will make your day brighter, you might find yourself needing to tinkle because you’re in the vicinity of water and that’s all it takes anymore for your bladder to stand up and start ringing a bell. But if you decide to relieve yourself, remember that things are different now.

You can no longer squat, squirt and run with no after effects. Things move more slowly. Your pee is just as tired as you are. Be sure that everything is out of the processing chamber before you pull up your drawers. Otherwise, there will be physical evidence that you did not quite complete the mission, with telltale wetness in a glaring location. And if you do get ahead of yourself and have to deal with reputation-killing spottage, be expedient with your methods to rectify the situation, especially in public. You don’t want to be rubbing vigorously at your nethers with a paper towel when the President of the PTA waltzes into the bathroom, camera phone in hand.

4. Car keys become your enemy.

These little jingly bastards will run and hide every chance they get. You know damn well that you put them right there on the kitchen table, yet two seconds later they have vanished. You might as well call whoever it is that you were going to meet for lunch and beg tardiness, because it’s going to take you at least 30 minutes to figure out what you’ve done with the keys. And the worst part of this frustrating situation is that when you do finally find the keys, in the fridge next to the mayo, you will clearly remember putting them there and why. Sad, really.

5. Driving a car is not the thrill it used to be.

Oh sure, there are still times when cruising around on a sunny day brings a smile to your face. And if the destination includes a good time with family and friends, all the better, even if you can’t really remember their names anymore. But more often than not, especially if a freeway or lots of turning is involved, the love affair is over.

People don’t drive for pleasure anymore. They drive with the sole intention of making your life miserable, swerving all over the place, ignoring all rules and regulations, and listening to music that is crushingly loud and apparently concerns Godzilla stomping through Tokyo while some man raps about his bitches and his penis. This is not your father’s Oldsmobile. Or his respect for the law.

6. Everything repeats.

Once you get to that destination, with your family and friends, whatever their names might be, and everyone settles around the table at the restaurant, there are more critical decisions to be made. Gone are the days when you could eat anything before you and then go play volleyball for six hours. Now every single ingredient in every single dish must be analyzed for potential digestive disruption. Those damn vegetables that your doctor thinks you should eat six buckets of every day? No, sir. Unless those vegetables have been boiled down to the consistency of gelatin, they ain’t goin in my pie hole. Otherwise, I’ll have a gas bubble the size of Utah and the embarrassing ability to jet-propel anywhere I walk for the next two days.

And grease? Grease really is one of God’s gifts, especially when it comes to fried foods. Nothing could be finer. But as soon as an ounce of such passes my drying-out lips, it’s like somebody installed a Slip N Slide. That mess races through like Fox News runs from fact-checkers. You might as well strap me to a gurney and lower me over a toilet, because Hurricane Katrina was nothing compared to what’s about to happen.

7. You forget what you just said.

There’s a certain facial expression with which you should familiarize yourself. When coming from younger people, it means this: “Uncle Brian, you just said that two minutes ago.”

8. You forget what you just said.

There’s a certain facial expression with which you should familiarize yourself. When coming from younger people, it means this: “Uncle Brian, you just said that three minutes ago.”

9. Sex is no longer the driving focus of your life.

It’s not even in the car.

10. You no longer care what other people think of you.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the saving grace. Finally, after all these years, all that worrying, all those decisions based on how you would be perceived, it actually doesn’t matter. Do whatever the hell it is that you want to do. Even if you don’t remember it two hours later. Just go look in the fridge next to the mayo and you’ll have an epiphany. Or at least find your cellphone. Who knows. What day is this?

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 01/14/11. Slight changes made. And for those of you who might feel compelled to say “but you’re really not all that old, you whippersnapper”, let me remind you that I worked for a soul-sucking corporate behemoth for many decades. I’m 174 in Verizon years…

 

62 replies »

  1. 11. Your snore causes landslides.
    12. You can’t do certain things with your partner in bed anymorebecause of points 1-10.
    13. All young boys between ages 11 and 40 are objects of infinite suspicion if your female ward is between 11 and 40 years old.
    14. You can’t type on a teeny tiny keyboard on your phone anymore because there are joints on your fingers and so you stop your list although you have at least 43 more points to add.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Excellent additions! My snoring, for sure, has gotten worse. (And it was never very admirable in the first place.) I’m surprise that my head doesn’t just explode. As for the tiny keyboard on a phone, I have never been a fan nor the master of such. I still type with one index finger, not kidding. These folks who can whip out an entire dissertation in ten seconds amaze me. It takes me three days just to compile a shopping list for the grocery store, by which point everyone is too weak to eat and I might as well not go…

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Note to self – Stop. Drinking. Coffee. When. Reading. Bonnywood. Manor.
    I mean it.
    This was the third incident.
    The dog is convinced you’ve finally lost it.
    Staple it to your laptop if needed.
    Put. The cup. Down.

    OK, in case you haven’t heard it all the way across the pond – I just laughsnorted my way through choking on my coffee. The arrow started the mayhem, the mayonnaise was my undoing.
    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put on a fresh … everything.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yep, this comment is going in my “greatest hits” collection. I actually keep such a thing, and every once in a while I shove some of them back out there in one of my “Friday Night Clam Bake” posts. Prepare accordingly. (The whole thing was great, but the last line was the best…)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. All my ‘shoulda, coulda and woulda’s’ are looking at me with their own certain facial expressions!

    The following is my own personal recipe.

    BITTER OLD BIDDY:
    In the large mixing bowl of life set aside a generous portion of #2 and #9.

    Combine #3, #6 and #7; bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring constantly.
    Boil the shit out of it if needed and remove from heat.

    While hot, pour over #2 and #9 and mix well.
    Top with a generous portion of #10.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I can smell what you’re cookin’, and I think it’s an excellent recipe. Perhaps we should market this elixir? I’ll have my people work on some business plans and try to find a manufacturer that can make a bottle shaped like a giant middle finger… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. There’s no way I can match the humor (sarcastic as it is) in previous comments, so I’ll not even try. Suffice it to say there are many times the lack of memory and caring about what people think is a saving grace these days – so when she’s looking at me strangely, I can simply decide it’s must be because she’s having some embarrassing moments – perhaps things are escaping from her inner self that she’s hoping I don’t notice.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The partial memory loss really is a saving grace, in many ways. Especially when it comes to telling anecdotes from your life. You don’t remember that you’ve already told your captive audience the same story 46 times, so it feels like you’re being very entertaining and original, which is how many of the posts on this blog have been created. If I don’t remember telling the same mundane story about Scotch the Cat, surely nobody else does… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Well at least now I KNOW why all that unwanted fuss and bother is happening. It’s the freakin’ CLOCK AND CALENDAR, marching time along and making us all OLD(er). Fie! I could (and possibly will) write a lengthy treatise on #3. Because I’d much rather have the damned pee exit my withered loins so slowly that snails stuck in cold molasses are laughing and speeding their asses off (and how and why that happened probably isn’t something anyone wants to explore); than the alternative that any bitter old biddy (hey! BOB..another mystery of the Universe explained) is familiar with. When the Pavolovian bladder bell rings in old women, you better have some porcelain within easy access or the ensuing mess involves a lot of changes of clothes and wondering about whether one smells, ever so faintly, of pee. It’s not pretty. Is this late life penis envy? Does anyone care? Wait. Did I just say that….? I forget.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I certainly hope it’s not penis envy. That thing is a wretched appendage once it gets old, at least when it comes to recycling. You can twirl that thing for twenty minutes and still not clear the passageway. It’s like a garden hose that somebody forgot to turn off, suddenly coming to life an hour later and leaving a Rorschach blot in your crotch. Little bastard….

      Like

  6. Okay, #8 is no laughing matter, even if people do insist on laughing. I don’t have many pet phrases, but one I’m known to do is say something like, “there are three reasons I love this,” and then list the three things. Only now I’ll forget mid-way through and have to say “how many reasons did I give you?… Really?… Are you sure?… huh. Well, it couldn’t have been important.”
    Dang embarrassing when it was only two reasons. I really gotta stop numbering things.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do feel your pain, especially since I suspect that we share the same trait in that, being introverts, we always strive to make sure what we say is worthy and at least mildly admirable. To find ourselves in vocal situations wherein we might not have the personal control and precision we once had is anathema to our very beings. Having said that, could you remind me what my point was when I started this paragraph? I think it had something to do with the Dewey Decimal System…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Don’t forget the cashiers and assorted other store, bank and restaurant personnel who treat you like you grew up driving buggies to town and using hand-crank telephones. They love to call you “dear” in the most condescending tone, like they’re dealing with a small child who’s about to throw a really big tantrum.

    Don’t worry Brian dear. Your phone’s in your hand and I’ll get you a fresh pair of pull-ups. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, and the way they want to help you with things that you damn well know how to do. Look, you little twerp, it’s true that most folks used cash when I was a wee bairn like you, but I know how to slide my credit card through this scanner. Wait. Why is it beeping at me?

      P.S. Please leave the fresh pull-ups in the fridge. I have a better chance of finding them, and I like the crisply cool feel when I slip them on…

      Liked by 2 people

    • I love that quality about you. It thrills me every time you let lose with the truth. If only everyone did that from day one, there would never have been a Trump Administration. Hell, there wouldn’t be a Tea Party. Or infomercials…

      Like

      • I can’t keep the truth in these days, even if i try, but i figure why would i want to do that? Truth is what will save us, once more people choose to recognize it and accept it. If only it wasn’t taking so LONG.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Now that I have grown into the ‘years of wisdom’ I have discovered a remarkable lack of enthusiasm for dealing with/talking to ‘old people’, many who are younger than I. This almost equals my lack of enthusiasm for talking to younger people. Hmmm.

    #10 for sure, the rest too.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. These are the sad realities of life and the earlier we realize them, the better.. if only we under that appearances won’t matter and sex is not the center of the universe.. life will become less complicated…
    Thank you for sharing this.. it’s an eye opener..

    Liked by 1 person

  10. OMG,OMG, still choking on the coffee, like shiarreal. This is so not fair. I’m so addicted to this post and have to have a hit with java every morning and not getting my pages done. Just found this gem and now going to send a link to my sister and a few friends. For me, I miss being the athletic person I was when younger but if some evil magician said I had to go back to my youth, I’d open a vein.

    Liked by 2 people

    • LOL! I love that last line. Whilst I do pine from time to time for my lost virility, I’m in agreement with you that if a doorway to the past suddenly popped open, I would run screaming, threatening violence to all an sundry… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I can identify will all of these except #4. My car keys are always on the chair inside the door. However, when my son borrows my car (which is often) I can never find the keys!

    #8 is totally hilarious!

    #10 is a principle I try to live by, and I do for the most part, except when I find a typo in something I published online.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, those dreaded post-post typo discoveries. The shame is even more immense when said discovery isn’t made until long after you have released the beast, leaving you with the realization that folks have been reading your glaring snafu for years. I am SUCH a professional… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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