Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #514

Edward VIII, abdicator and fool for love, left: “Do either of you know why we were invited to pose in this ridiculous manner, as if we’re part of a synchronized swimming team off the coast of Atlantic City, circa 1905?”

Billy Crudup, once-promising movie star who flared for a bit and then was apparently shoved to the side because his last name was a bit of an obstacle, middle: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear what you said because of your ears. They seem to be affecting the soundwaves on this stage.”

Edward: “Really? Did you not notice the fifth moon of Saturn orbiting you own head? That’s a seriously black kettle.”

Billy: “Perhaps you don’t understand the rules of sarcasm. If I say it first, you can’t come back at me with the same theme. Besides, the guy on the other side of me also has a hovercraft as a left ear.”

Edward: “Duly noted. Let’s focus on why you are unable to stand on your own feet like a real man. Should I mention low testosterone? I understand you Americans often suffer from such.”

Billy: “And I understand that you British lost all relevance once the inhabitants of the lands you conquered decided they didn’t care for that conquering angle at all. How’s that working out for you now?”

Edward: “I have no idea how it’s working out. Did you not catch the part about my abdication? I don’t care what England does as long as they leave me alone and I can get Chinese food delivered whenever I want.”

Billy: “That’s an absurd thing to say, considering the royal family did not leave you alone and still sends monthly checks.”

Al Gore, yet another Democrat that would have been president if things were actually based on a popular vote, right: “Speaking of absurd things, did you hear that I supposedly invented the Internet?”

Edward: “So you’re responsible for all that insipid porn?”

Al: “Well, not personally. If I had an award-worthy endowment, do you really think I would spend my time fighting climate change?”

Billy: “Fair enough. But those wretched online dating sites where desperate people make desperate decisions. Are your fingerprints on that?”

Al: “Okay, let me break it down for you. There are a lot of stupid people in the world. It doesn’t matter who invented what, you cannot stop the deluge of stupid. You can poke your finger in the dike and hope for the best, but until people pull their heads out, it’s an inconvenient struggle.”

Edward: “So you did invent the porn sites. Because I think I’ve seen that very movie.”

Al: “No! Well, not that I recall. In fact, I’m really not sure where we’re going with any of this.”

Six eyes turned toward the writer of this piece. Along with four monumental ears.

Writer, not pictured: “Don’t judge me. It’s been a week since I posted on this blog and I had to get something out there.”

Edward: “Oh, I completely understand. If you don’t keep it fresh those fickle readers will run like the wind and never look back.”

Billy: “Been there, got the t-shirt.”

Al: “Say, did you know I invented blogging?”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 04/21/17. No changes made. Fair disclaimer: This post was not meant to diminish the value of folks with generous ears. I have them myself, but most people don’t notice them because they are transfixed by my even bigger nose. You could colonize that thing…


31 replies »

  1. This delightful picture of rampant masculinity has given my morning an unexpected perk. But I can’t for the life of me work out what Billy is sitting on. Is a rock? A pile of folded clothes? It shall puzzle me all day.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This explains a lot. And I think we’ve discussed the faux ‘rock’ that middle dude is sitting on, in some other post because that sort of thing sticks to one’s mind…Glad to see you’re feeling perhaps a wee bit better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yep, we’ve talked about the rock before, probably when this was originally posted on Crusty Pie. I still don’t know what the hell that thing is all about. Then again, I still don’t understand why someone hasn’t sued the state of Oklahoma for incompetence…


  3. I’m still trying to figure out who thought that style of swimsuit was the remotest bit attractive. The ears they were born with lol, that swimwear was a choice… Lol

    Liked by 1 person

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