10 Reasons Why

10 Things I Want to Ask Clueless People

1. Why do you hold your wireless phone in front of your mouth when you speak instead of on the side of your head?

Do you not understand that you are actually moving the microphone further away from your lips? If you thought this would help your little friend hear better, you’re mistaken. What type of backwoods situation led to you thinking this would improve things? Hold the phone where you’re supposed to hold it and quit dicking around.

2. What happened to all the mirrors in your house?

Something must have, because if you had caught a glimpse of yourself, you never would have left the house looking like THAT. Then again, based on the stained clothing, unwashed body parts, and hovering gnats, the mirror may not have provided any assistance. Here’s a tip: Take a bath. And stay home anyway. (Side note: Why would you put on something that tight? It can’t possibly be comfortable. Then again, your mind-numbing couture choice just might lead to your accidental sterilization, and that’s a blessing that would prompt the rest of us to leave a healthy donation when the offering plate comes by in church.)

3. Have you heard of that new-fangled thing called birth control?

No? Well, here’s a brochure. It has pictures, so I’m sure you can figure it out. Basically, you don’t have to have a child every time you have sex. No, I’m not kidding. For real! Now, your priest or one of those nun people might try to talk you out of this, saying that you will burn in Hell if you don’t use every egg your body produces to its fullest capacity, but that’s not true. Lots of people get into Heaven with less than 10 children. So run to the store and buy some of those balloon things like in the brochure pictures. Share with all your friends. (But don’t sleep with them. You’ve done enough of that already.)

4. Do you understand why you have to get your car inspected every year?

It’s so people don’t die from you driving a car that you should not be driving. You may think it’s okay that all the trees on both sides of the road instantly perish from your toxic exhaust when you drive past, but it’s really not a good thing. Actual people have to breathe that crap belching out of your rear end, too. I’ve never done anything to you. (I don’t even want to be near you.) It’s a bit unfair that the planet should have to expire prematurely just because you’re too lazy and self-centered to arrange for a bit of automotive maintenance.

Don’t have the money to fix your car? Hmm. Well, somehow you managed to pay for that phone you’re hollering into over the clatter of your busted muffler dragging on the ground while thousands choke on your fumes. Let’s get some priorities, shall we? (P.S. That plastic red tape you used to “repair” your taillight after you backed into the side of the Piggly Wiggly because you were talking on the phone and not paying attention? It’s not fooling anyone.)

5. Is there a sign on my forehead that says I’d like to talk to strangers?

No? Then why are you violating my personal space with intrusive questions about how my day has been and what I think of the Dallas Cowboys? I’m already forced to talk to lots of people that I don’t like, such as supervisors, relatives, and home-repair personnel who feel compelled to provide a running commentary on my decorating choices and the quality of my neighborhood. Perhaps we can come to an understanding where we simply nod briefly to one another and that’s the end of our conversational discourse. Agreed?

6. Do you not comprehend the function of the drive-thru at a fast-food restaurant?

Because you’re just sitting there in your car, blankly staring at the menu board as if it’s written in Swahili and you have no idea what items might be served at this establishment even though you picked it. I know that choices can be confusing, but there are only so many times that you can read everything on the board. And quit hollering “Hold ON!” every time the attendant tries to take your order. It’s not his fault that you can’t make up your mind. What are you waiting for? A vision from Jesus? Just get a cheeseburger. It’s a fail-safe.

7. Do you have a microphone in your hand?

I didn’t think so. Now stop singing along with the song on the in-store radio while we stand in the supermarket checkout line. No one asked you to do this. I just want to pay for my croutons and then get the hell out. I don’t want to be involuntarily serenaded with a rap song, especially one where you clearly don’t know all the right words. You might think you have the music in you, but I’m afraid it’s just a gas bubble.

8. Did you think I was a fortune teller?

I’m not. So you’re going to have to tell me what you want, instead of this fumbling dance about getting to the point. By you just standing there and babbling about inconsequential trivia that means nothing to me, you’re causing my blood pressure to go up, and your chances of any worthwhile assistance to go down. And when we’re finally done? Please fill out this exit survey so I can determine where I erred in my quest to avoid you all day. Thank you.

9. Are you familiar with the Heimlich Maneuver?

Do you think it works in the other direction? Because we really need to get whatever has been shoved up your ass out of there. Let’s put some duct tape over your mouth and try it. Come here.

10. Why did your people make you leave your home planet?

And what can I do to make them take you back?

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 11/29/10 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 04/10/15. Slight changes made. Yes, this one is a bit more bitter than usual, and it may not appeal to some folks. In fact, when I first shared it here on Bonnywood, one reader made a valid observation that I was not being especially kind to folks with special needs. That was not my intention at all, and I would never dream of such, as my family knows full well the circumstances of special needs. (If you’d like to read what I hope was a rather healthy discussion on the matter, you can click on the original post here and scroll down to the comments.)

This post IS meant to poke a stick at people who are perfectly capable of behaving in a more socially-acceptable manner, but they are too lazy and indifferent to care. Decency and personal responsibility are sorely lacking in modern society, at least in this country. That’s how we ended up with a whack-job in the Oval Office. I will happily keep poking a stick if it helps prevent another one from getting elected.

End of mini-rant, one that I didn’t intend to pursue, but sometimes things surface in the wee hours of the morning. I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. (Two points if you get the reference.)

Cheers.

 

68 replies »

    • Repeating hoping that this doesn’t get lost too:
      My latest is this.
      When the super blue blood moon is out there, why do you take pictures on your phones WITH THE FLASH ON? Are you illuminating the moon? Or are you trying to blind those of us who are trying to drink in the cosmic magnificence that is unfurling in real time?

      Liked by 3 people

      • Hmm. I’m not sure what might be going on with the spam angle. I just went through everything in my WordPress spam folder (hundreds of items, how does this happen, why am I a target?) but I didn’t find anything from yours truly. (It was still a good exercise, though, because I found quite a few obvious and repetitive spammers and their annoying little butts have been blocked now.) Now, as to your concern about dimwits who use a flash when snapping the moon: Fully agree. What are they thinking? Or am I being kind in assuming that they are even thinking?

        Like

    • Actually dear, it didn’t. I don’t think. Not my blog…but what I’ve found on Brian’s blog is that sometimes the comment page needs refreshing. Just copy your witticisms so they aren’t lost…just in case. Mine routinely disappear and voila! There they are (twice) when I refresh…

      Liked by 1 person

      • This happens even with my own comments. I’ll hit submit and the damn thing will just vanish. But if I refresh a few times, the comment will eventually show up. Usually. I’ve learned to temporarily save the longer comments in case I never see the first submission again…

        Like

  1. Love, love love that rabbit woman – she was especially well drawn 🙂
    We all deserve to have a rant sometimes, especially when you blog it out so the rest of us can secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy it.
    Glad you are feeling better (based on the length of your comment).

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks, Claudette. I really do need to get the full-on rants out every once in a while. Bottling that mess up for too long just can’t be very healthy. But speaking of Rabbit Woman, I need to dig that movie out. I haven’t seen it in a while and sometimes it’s just what I need…

      Liked by 1 person

      • It was a damn good movie, and I think jsut about every femal i knew wanted soooo badly to be Jessica – she was super sexy. No-one I knew wanted to be Mr Rabbit (with the possible exception of all blokes who only wanted to be Mr Rabbit because of Mrs Rabbit).

        Liked by 1 person

    • Lindy: Please don’t feel clueless. If everyone reading my bits always got all my cryptic references, I would feel that I have failed in some way. As CJ graciously states, it’s a line from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”, a somewhat silly but clever movie with witty wordplay…

      CJ: Bless the beasts and the children and the kindness of fellow bloggers who don’t hesitate to back each other up… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Brian, because I have an ego the size of a sub-continent, I feel I must explain my absence from your blog at what it appears was a nadir in your life caused by a ghastly virus. My belated best wishes for your recovery. I have been travelling for the past week and have been absent from reading and commenting. But, relief to you all, I am back and blazing. I loved this, of course I did. I will be back to full service tomorrow but for now, just keep getting well and keep doing what you do so brilliantly 😊

    Liked by 4 people

    • Please, never worry about the timeliness of our interactions. I am so woefully behind on your own blog that in certain circles this would be more than enough cause for me to be shackled naked in the town square as punishment. The only reason said shackling hasn’t taken place is that a few sage folk have surmised that I just might enjoy that more than I should. We will find each other at the right moments…

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Gotta love a good rant 😉 Yhe first one is the best, I don’t get it either. It’s a phone not a walker talkie whatever and no, I don’t want to hear what you are talking about. Go away.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The “drive thru” is spot on – haven’t you been waiting in the car for your chance to order – is the ENTIRE MENU brand new to you? Oh, and I got your Paris book on kindle and look forward to reading!

    Liked by 1 person

    • John, I really appreciate you snapping up one of my books, truly mean that. You’re only the third person to do so this year. (Yep, sales have been a little slow lately. Such is life for an indie author.) Do you have works out as well?

      Like

  5. Where to begin? So’s not to swamp your comment section with profuse verbosity….well I saw the woman described in #2, waddling around (in my path too, and my leg was SORE dammit..) somewhere she should NEVER have gone in pajama pants. Butt was way too big and I almost stopped and gave her directions to Wal*Mart where she clearly belonged. What is with PJ pants for every occasion anyway? They’re okay in a pinch, but they do not belong as part of the permanent wardrobe IMHO.. and #3 was in the grocery the other day when I forayed over there to buy something health to ingest. Wanted to force Planned Parenthood brochures on her, along with some condoms, because she had a brood the size of a small basketball team (or baseball, I get ’em confused)…way too many people in any case. I gave her one of my patented evil stares of death and she shooed her chickens into another part of the store. #4? Up here we have to do that every other year. Mine was 2017 as it happened, and I had forgotten. The evil stare of death of the DMV worker was enough to sear my soul and make me vow to remember to do it next year. Up here though, they apparently have lax rules for car inspection, or it’s something to do with diesel engines that belch some foul black nastiness (and that’s theoretically illegal, but you wouldn’t know it) guaranteed to cause emphysema… We’ve discussed thoroughly my encounters and hatred of #6 and I’m guilty of #7. Well YOU try to stay uninvolved when the strains of the Macarena come through those tinny speakers. I’ve been known to shame myself with public dancing with that one too… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • See, I had a plethora of witty responses to all of your various points, but then I stupidly clicked on the video link and my focus has been completely shattered. (To be fair, such a disruption is easily accomplished.) I will now have to get a good night’s sleep before I can tackle your musings with any degree of professionalism, which we all know is a strong indication that I am never going to get around to an admirable degree of point counter-point. (Note to self: In the future, ignore the allure of Embeecee’s taunting video transgressions. You do not have the strength to overcome.)

      Like

    • Breathe deeply and let things pass. There is little return on investment if one dwells too long on obscure movie dialogue that I may toss asunder without little regard for merit or relativity…

      Like

  6. I just wanted to say that I hold the phone to my ear, not in front of me. What I find disconcerting is people wandering down the aisles, apparently talking to themselves. Until I realize they have a bluetooth thingy in their ear, so no, they don’t require a response from me. Otherwise, I thought I had a grip until I read some of the comments, and now I’m really confused. May I assume Rabbit Woman refers to #3 – but what the heck is Jessica Rabbit doing here?

    Liked by 1 person

    • The bluetooth earpieces annoy me as well. It would be okay if folks sporting such would converse in a discreet manner. But no, they have to bellow things for all to hear, so of course I try to pay attention to them in case they need medical assistance (I do have empathy, despite the rumors), only to discover that they are simply rude, not injured. And Jessica Rabbit is here only because I invited her without bothering to let everyone else know that I was doing so. This too shall pass… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  7. So maybe this is a repost, but the notes at the end means you’re baaaaack! Yay!
    When #5 happens to me, I stare at them in wonder, as if they’re from #10. You’d think by now I’d be used to extroverts. I mean, my God, I married one. But they still baffle me. 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

    • I be back, mmm hmm. I don’t think I will ever be used to extroverts. Then again, extroverts will never be used to me. Such is the seesaw of the multi-colored rainbow we call life. (Oh, I might have to plagiarize myself on that one…)

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Ooooh.. the bitterness! I love it!
    Words of advice though, bitterness can make you sick. Forgive the lazy and indifferent arseholes (trying to watch my mouth) in this sick world we live in and instead do as most people in the south do.. Bless their hearts, and then take notes for future post!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Jessica Rabbit? Gotta read for CONTENT instead of gathering in the bounty of hilarity in one gulp.. now THERE’S a “Past ‘Imperfect” idea for you. Jessica.. But of course she’s not bad (per se) she’s just drawn that way…. And she is a bit young for the Imperfects..

    Liked by 1 person

  10. About people who sing in the checkout line at the grocery store: I wouldn’t mind if they had some talent, or at least knew the words. But the singing is SO awkward, and it makes people around them uncomfortable. And…they can’t tell that everyone is uncomfortable? That kind of blows my mind.

    Now, when it comes to whistling, I love to hear folks whistle. It always puts me in a cheerful mood, no matter what’s gone on in my day.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Confession: When imbibing in adult beverages, I often become convinced that I have the most fantastic singing voice, ever, and I am more than happy to share it with anyone around. So I have most likely violated my own pet peeve a number of times in grocery stores over the years…

      Like

  11. Am expecting another post like this I just read.  You really make my day reading this one.

    Thanks. Again. You can check me up on my blog also

    Patrickrealstories.wordpress.com

    #PATRICKSTORIES
    Peace and Love

    Like

  12. I like 10, but since this country slimed our White House with the Stump, I’m beginning to look beyond our galaxy in a friendly, and dare I say it, hopeful way. Either moving there or finding a method of convincing them to beam him back. Now that I’ve got that gas bubble out of my system, it’s back to slaving over a hot keyboard. Thanks for the rant. Go, Brian.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s