Humor

Unexpected Penetration: The Randomness of Keyword Searches

As is the case with any serious blogger, I try to analyze what may or may not be leading folks to my site. There are a number of tools out there that allow you to delve deeper into the mystical congruencies of how anonymous people find you. Some of these tools are expedient and forthright, getting to the heart of the matter. But most of them come with a price tag, a dubious cost no matter how you package it, because that’s just how some people roll: Figure out a way to charge innocents for information they could gather on their own if they just had that extra ounce of gumption.

I don’t really care for rewarding other people financially for my own laziness, so I try to be forthright and keep an eye on the “Search Terms” box on my WordPress stats page. (This special box allows you to see what folks have typed into search engines that somehow resulted in a click on one of your posts.) The most immediate factoid I’ve gleaned from this effort is that very few people are finding me based on keyword searches. That box is often empty, which means that I’m using words in my musings that no one else is using. (I guess this should come as no surprise; I was considerably chastised in my urchin years for my vocabulary choices. A bar of soap was often introduced into the proceedings.)

In any case, when there are entries in the Search Terms box, I study them with scholastic intensity, trying to figure out what bells I might be ringing. Interestingly enough, I’ve discovered that people will peck out the weirdest possible combination of words, and when they do so, they often land on one of my posts. I generally take the personal-validation route and try to believe that I tell interesting and unique stories, and ignore the possibility that the pecker or yours truly or both might need serious therapy.

But lately there has been one group of words, and variations of, that has caused me a wee bit of concern: “village of the damned part 2 sex story”

What the hell?

Now, those of you who have been with me a while may recall that I ran a series of posts entitled “Village of the Damned” starting back in December of 2015. (And this was a revision of a series I ran several years earlier, back when I was still losing my virginity in the blogosphere. And if you remember the story from those days, and you’re still with me, all I can say is I cannot worship you enough.) Bottom line, my version of “Village of the Damned” involved my obsession with collecting and displaying miniature yuletide housing.  Nobody was bumping uglies. (Okay, there was a brief mention of possible carnality in one of the posts, but it was way later than Part 2.)

It’s the specificity of “Part 2” in the search terms that throws me. There’s nothing about sex in that post. Yet “Part 2” keeps popping up in the variations of keywords. (Other terms fluctuate: Sometimes it’s “sexe story”, indicating a possible French flair, and sometimes it’s “sex storye”, hinting at Old English ribaldry. Just the other day, it was “village of damned part 2 hot eex stories”. Eex stories? I’m going to assume that they were typing with just one hand, troubling as that image might be.

So it seems that there is a racy version of “Village of the Damned” somewhere in the underbelly of society. And apparently you don’t need to bother with Part 1, because Part 2 is where the good stuff happens, whatever that entails. I do feel slightly bad that some randy folks are finding their way to my blog, only to experience literus interruptus, but there’s really not much I can do about that. I just wanted to tell a story about my fascination with things that can be plugged in that give me joy.

Oh wait, maybe I just made the connection…

 

Originally published in “Bonnywood Manor” on 03/03/16. No changes of any value have been made. For those of you who will not be able to sleep tonight unless you learn whether or not this twisted wretchedness is continuing, here’s a review of the recent phrases in my “Search Terms” box:

02/11/18: “village of damned part 2 sex story” (See? That really is a search that people use.)

02/10/18: 3 “Unknown search terms. (What the hell does that mean, unknown? What can these people be typing that is unknown? “How can we finally get rid of Trump”?)

02/09/18: 5 “Unknown search terms”. (I’m starting to get worried.)

02/08/18: 3 “Unknown search terms”. (Are these the same three people? Are they thinking the results will somehow be magically different?)

02/07/18: 1 “Unknown search term”. (I guess two of the searchers had the flu.)

02/06/18: Another single entry, “pickfair manor”. (I have actually blogged about Pickfair Manor several times. But it’s kind of sad that this is the only actual, useful validation this blog has received from a research perspective in over a week.)

02/05/18: “village of the damned sex stories” (There it is again. But this person dropped the “part 2, meaning they have lowered their standards and they still landed on my blog. I feel so special. Does this make me a Kardashian?

Peace.

 

47 replies »

  1. I get odd stuff in my search terms. One time, there were three searches for “narcissist piano,” whatever that means. So I did a post about it (I still don’t know what a narcissist piano is but I posted about it anyway). Anyone who now types in “narcissist piano” will find something. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I actually remember reading your “narcissist piano” post during my full-throttle plundering of your archives. (I think I might have even commented, which is rare for me due to my inability to focus at proper times.) I think you did a terrific public service by posting such, providing a temporary safe haven for those who scour the Internet for obscure references… 😉

      Like

  2. A couple of years ago I did a post on penis gourds in Papua New Guinea. That is the most common search that leads people to my site. But last week someone found me by searching for ‘can i bring my electric toothbrush to cuba’. The answer is yes.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I can’t remember how I stumbled onto your site, just glad I did. My most successful blog post had “corset” in the title. (Do we sense a theme here?) I guess I should have put “vibrator” in the one I did about Victorian medical solutions for hysteria.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m not sure how your stumbled your way into the madness of Bonnywood, either, but I am quite grateful that you did so. But be careful of the wanton usage of a vibrator, as anyone who lives in a domicile prone to power surges will attest to… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think I found you via Bone & Silver. I need to go investigate Search Terms, a feature I’ve paid no notice to in my stats but am intrigued now as to what I may find. My own searches of ‘funny’ and ‘humour’ show absolutely no imagination or sense of fun on my part! I clearly need to broaden my horizons 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, Bone & Silver. G is a terrific writer, yes? This is what I love about blogging, where random clicks and perusals help us all find one another. And I think your imagination and sense of fun are evident in every post…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve also never looked at this in my stats so will go and do so ASAP, although judging from some of the people who have followed me recently, they were clearly looking for cat pictures so not sure how they found me at all!

    Liked by 1 person

    • The cat people will always find you, but that’s not a bad thing at all. Everyone is looking for something, and in the process we manage to find things we weren’t looking for at all. That’s the beauty of blogging, even if the search terms are a little bit twisted… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I had no idea the intricacies of blogging and the usage of search engines in that pursuit. On mine own bloggy, I have suppressed the use of search engines, so folks presumably can’t find me if they type in random words that may or may not include some randy bit, in order to read. They have to be referred (I guess), which may explain my low numbers, not that I’m interested in numbers anyway. But thank you sincerely for showing me a new facet to the blogging experience, and alerting me to the other fact that horn dogs are numerous, even in ‘serious’ blogging sites.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I didn’t realize you had suppressed the search engine bit. This explains a lot, because you are a prolific poster and one would think that you would have droves of people flocking to your site. On the other hand, if you control the portal access, you shouldn’t get any of the riff raff, and there’s something to be said for that, even if you miss the whacked-out people who will search on the weirdest things….

      Like

  7. Once upon a time I researched the search term stat box, and found that it depends mainly on what search engine they’re using. If it’s Google, they’ll hide the terms (not sure, but I think you can pay to see them). If it’s Bing, Safari, Yahoo, etc, they’ll show you.
    With that in mind, the search term most often leading to my site is “dry heat”. I didn’t realize I wrote that often about Phoenix, but if I do, I don’t remember using that phrase to excess.
    I must say, your search term sounds MUCH more interesting. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • You do realize that admitting to “dry heat” being one of the calling-cards of your blog is sending me into a tizzy of imagination, yes? I’ve already got at least three fictional (well, mostly fictional) absurdist stories percolating in my brain, rampant with sly innuendo and ribald references that could desecrate beloved family recipes. The world is my temporary oyster…

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Lol! I will be laughing at this all day! Thanks for that. Yeah. I’ve wondered about some of the search terms i’ve seen for quite awhile. A couple of times, i’ve gone to google myself and entered the same search words and sure enough, those blog pists have appeared. Maybe it’s the google itself? It cracks me up every time. Or maybe it’s like adding the words ‘in bed’ to every fortune cookie message? I could add the word sex to the title of every blog post i write and see how many hits i get. Lol. Like, The Sex House on the Hill or Chronos’ Sex Van in the Sky. That might work?

    Now i’m super curious to read that Village of the Damned sexisode.:)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I came across this post when I was searching on this subject. I’ve been getting some super weird ‘search terms’ pop up. I’ve even looked some of them up to see what’s going on. It seems my posts are showing up one or two pages down from what they were actually searching and clicked on me anyway. I only started looking them up because for some I was like, how is that even finding me?…??…??? Glad to know I’m not the only one.

    Liked by 1 person

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