Tallulah Bankhead: “Dear God, would you look at me in these PR shots? The stress fractures on my face are bad enough, but that claw-hand I’ve got going on is far too much. I really need to cut it back to one bottle of bourbon a day. John Barrymore was right. Drinking your way to happiness has an expiration date.”

Tab Hunter: “Well, I couldn’t legally drink until three hours ago, so I’m not sure what you’re talking about. But I’m really concerned about this odd red splotch on my shirt, since this is a black-and-white photo and all. What do you suppose it means?”

Tallulah: “It means that you aren’t paying enough attention to me. You have hundreds of years left in your career as long as you sleep with the right people. Speaking of, what are you doing later tonight?”

Tab: “Not you. Besides, I thought you liked the ladies.”

Tallulah: “Oh, I like anybody that doesn’t put up a fight. Life is much easier when you don’t worry about the plumbing. So, what do you say?”

Tab: “I still say no. But I am curious about the John Barrymore angle. Did he put up a fight?”

Tallulah: “Hmm. Well, I suppose the polite thing to say would be that when John did bare more, I had to call Room Service for a magnifying glass. Even then, I still didn’t find what I was looking for.”

Tab: “I can assure you that you won’t need a magnifying glass with me. You can see my credentials from space. How do you think I got this part in the first place?”

Tallulah: “Say, maybe that’s what the red splotch on your shirt means. I hope this coding system catches on, with gals knowing what they can expect on the horizon without having to navigate through a lot of pointless small-talk at pick-up bars. It would certainly cut down on my bourbon intake. Are you sure you don’t want to orbit my satellite?”

Tab: “Definitely. Perhaps I should point out that the red splotch should really be pink. If the plumbing isn’t right, my wrench doesn’t tighten.”

Tallulah: “So we’re back to John Barrymore, are we?”

Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 08/30/17. No changes made. For those of you who have grown weary with my excessive re-posting lately, I really am trying to get more fresh pieces out there. Trouble is, I have 46 pots on my literary stove and many of them have not yet reached the right boil. In due time…