Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #535

Maria: “I just have one prayer, oh Mighty Isis. Could you please send me a publicist who knows how to focus a camera? Okay, maybe two prayers. It would be nice if the costume designer on this gig didn’t feel compelled to disguise the fact that I have breasts. Alright, there’s a third one as well. I’d like a salary increase that would allow me to purchase a bottle of decent hair conditioner that is composed of something other than ass grease and a prayer. Oh, and orgasms. I’d like to have an orgasm that will make my eyes roll back in my head, not one that makes me think I just had some tainted Thai food.”

Mighty Isis, rousing herself from a millennial slumber: “Okay, hold up. Who the hell are you and why are you babbling about pointless dissatisfactions?”

Maria: “Oh. Well, I’m just one of your Twitter fans hoping you will love me back with a courtesy follow.”

Isis: “I see. You must be one of those Americans who only have a life because of social media. Here’s a tip. Get out of that country for a while and see how the rest of the world lives.”

Maria: “But what about the travel ban?”

Isis: “Have you ever noticed how travel ban and Taliban sound a lot alike?”

Maria: “I’d never really thought of it that way. You are such a wise and insightful supreme deity.”

Isis: “Oh, please. It doesn’t take a Supreme to figure out that the crap-fest state of American politics is the result of uninformed idiots voting without any regard for reality. Stop, in the name of sanity. Before the country breaks apart.”

Maria: “You have enlightened me.”

Isis: “I doubt that, or you wouldn’t have been praying to me in the first place. Now, I’m about to hit my snooze bar and see how things are going in the next century. Any last requests?”

Maria: “Um… the satisfying orgasms?”

Isis: “Oh, girl, I can’t help you with that. You just need to quit making poor decisions when handing out security clearances to your Pentagon.”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 07/03/17. Slight changes made. And by the way, I did contemplate excising the “ass grease” phrase due to potential offensiveness, but in the end (ahem) I still find it rather fetching, and somebody out there is going to appreciate it. I did it for you….


30 replies »

  1. I’m fairly sure that one of the niche beauticians in this city will embrace the Ass Grease conditioner with aplomb …. I’ll copy you into the copyright I’m about to take out as a precaution 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Pardon moi, but isn’t that JOAN somebody or other up there? And yes I did read your thoughtfully provided Cliff note at the bottom, but am still mystified by Maria. Um, Maria WHO??.. Although I did get the song reference…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Um, no, it’s not a Joan. It’s a Brigitte Helm and the movie is “Metropolis” (both of these are referenced in the tags). Her character name in this dire teleplay about poor choices and drama is named “Maria”. And there you have it…


  3. I’ll never see Thai food in the same way again. I immediately thought of THAT scene in When Harry Met Sally. I know Meg Rtan’s orgasm was fake, but she definitely wasn’t having tainted Thai food. I wonder what the diner sitting close to her thought she was having? 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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