Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #108: An Interactive Melodrama

Note: Years ago, when my “Crusty Pie” blog was in its formative months, I was hyper-invested in the goings on, often putting out three posts a day. (Granted, many of them were simple one or two-liners, but still.) At that inane rate of productivity, there were bound to be some clunkers. This is one of them. In the hopes of redemption, I am offering some alternative truths, and a challenge…

 

Original version:

Research has shown that working in Corporate America can affect your health…

 

Take 2:

Melania awoke from her dream about off-shore bank accounts to find that her husband was sleep-tweeting once again…

 

Take 3:

Beauregard approached the conjugal bed with a certain degree of dread…

 

Take 4:

The Walking Fred…

 

Take 5:

Architectural Tenet #7: Form follows function. Design the home to fit the client…

 

Take 6:

Husband: “I have some bad news, my beloved. I had to sell our last goat to pay the rent.”

Wife: “You finally got rid of your mother? Glory be!”

Husband: “No, I mean an actual goat. We can’t make cheese anymore. Speaking of, where is my darling mother?”

Wife: “She’s in the cabinet on your right.”

Husband: “That seems a bit rude. Why did you put her in there? Did she try to bite you again? Are you testing our marriage? I just don’t understand the rules anymore.”

Wife: “I didn’t put her in there. She went in of her own free will. She had too much coffee and she thought it was a confessional. I was just happy that she was leaving me alone so I could watch ‘Real Housewives of the Serfdom’. But she’s been in there quite a while, so she really must have a lot to confess. No surprise to me.”

Husband: “I see. Well, I’m choosing to process this some other time. Right now I need to find a job. So I’m headed off to see if King Donald the Oppressor has any openings in the Sewage Management Department. I hear he’s had trouble keeping people on his staff, what with all the indictments and the fact that none of them were qualified to manage anything in the first place. Wish me luck.”

Wife: “Sure, knock yourself out. Have fun storming the castle!”

 

The challenge at which I briefly hinted? In the comments, try to come up with a caption or micro story for the photo. Most of you will not, and that’s fine. But a few of you will. I’m hoping for five attempts. (In my dreams, I wake up tomorrow morning to find 37 sterling suggestions, something that would make me giddy with joy and faith in humanity, but I’m fully aware that dreams are often crushed in the Land of WordPressia.)

 

Mother-in-Law: “Hey, who locked this confessional door? Is there anybody out there? Hello? Damn. I knew something was up when the goat disappeared…”

 

49 replies »

    • Ozzy: “I think Sharon has it, mate.”

      Sharon: “Everything about me is natural.”

      Ozzy: “Sure it is. Did you sign that prenup?”

      Dan Reynolds: “It’s Time I admit that I have a crush on both of you.”

      Ozzy: “Didn’t see that coming.”

      Sharon: “I didn’t see you living this long. We all win.”

      Liked by 1 person

  1. “Hello, Avon Calling!”

    (Feel free to insert whatever annoying asshole salesperson who cannot read the “No Solicitations Please” sign, who shows up on your doormat, representing some huge corporation/pyramid scheme)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Avon: “That’s a lie! I never had sex with that woman.”

      Hillary: “Bill, is that you?”

      Brian: “I don’t know why I went there. It seemed like a good idea at the time…”

      Like

    • Prescription bottle on the counter: “You want me, you need me, and there ain’t no way you’re ever gonna leave me.”

      Embeecee: “No, that’s not it. It was something else…”

      Huny: “Hello? Waitin’ on a treat here. Do I need to do a backflip to get it?”

      Like

  2. Honey, why did you order pizza with pineapple on it? You know I hate pizza with pineapple.
    I didn’t order pizza with pineapple. Why would I do that?
    Pineapple on pizza is an atrocity. People who put pineapple on pizza should be burned at the stake for their crime against humanity.
    I didn’t order pizza, Nosu darling. It must have been the neighbors.
    Oh… um…
    Oh dear. What did you do with the pizza delivery boy?
    Nothing… um… where’s the shovel?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pizza Boy: “Dude, you really need to work on your fang-biting skills. You missed my neck by a mile. And I still have this Aloha Pizza to get rid of. Anybody?”

      Brian, raising hand timidly: “Is there ham on it as well?”

      Pizza Boy: “Is Arizona dry?”

      Brian: “Glory be!”

      Pizza Boy: “But you know this means that CJ is now going to have unsettled thoughts about you.”

      Brian, lowering hand: “You’re right. This is beneath me.”

      Pizza Boy: “Of course, I could just leave it on the stoop. No harm, no foul.”

      Brian, winking: “Got it. All ham, no fowl.”

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Dumpula awoke feeling odd. He asked himself, self, did I sleep standing up? Terrific! I no longer have to put my hair in a glass next to the bed at night! I have to tweet!! Wait, [feels a breeze and gropes head] where’s my hair?? Did Melania take my hair again? Shit on a stick! And damn it all! Where’s my tanning bed? Hummmm… did a zombie get me??? [Electorate: let’s hope so. Otherwise, you have no excuses at all …] 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I like the original and Take 6.

    Minor suggestion: Line 2 is very funny, and even funnier if you take out the word “last” in line one.

    Sewage Management Department is hilarious. He looks like the perfect candidate. Donald would hire him for sure!

    Like

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