Note: Years ago, when my “Crusty Pie” blog was in its formative months, I was hyper-invested in the goings on, often putting out three posts a day. (Granted, many of them were simple one or two-liners, but still.) At that inane rate of productivity, there were bound to be some clunkers. This is one of them. In the hopes of redemption, I am offering some alternative truths, and a challenge…
Original version:
Research has shown that working in Corporate America can affect your health…
Take 2:
Melania awoke from her dream about off-shore bank accounts to find that her husband was sleep-tweeting once again…
Take 3:
Beauregard approached the conjugal bed with a certain degree of dread…
Take 4:
The Walking Fred…
Take 5:
Architectural Tenet #7: Form follows function. Design the home to fit the client…
Take 6:
Husband: “I have some bad news, my beloved. I had to sell our last goat to pay the rent.”
Wife: “You finally got rid of your mother? Glory be!”
Husband: “No, I mean an actual goat. We can’t make cheese anymore. Speaking of, where is my darling mother?”
Wife: “She’s in the cabinet on your right.”
Husband: “That seems a bit rude. Why did you put her in there? Did she try to bite you again? Are you testing our marriage? I just don’t understand the rules anymore.”
Wife: “I didn’t put her in there. She went in of her own free will. She had too much coffee and she thought it was a confessional. I was just happy that she was leaving me alone so I could watch ‘Real Housewives of the Serfdom’. But she’s been in there quite a while, so she really must have a lot to confess. No surprise to me.”
Husband: “I see. Well, I’m choosing to process this some other time. Right now I need to find a job. So I’m headed off to see if King Donald the Oppressor has any openings in the Sewage Management Department. I hear he’s had trouble keeping people on his staff, what with all the indictments and the fact that none of them were qualified to manage anything in the first place. Wish me luck.”
Wife: “Sure, knock yourself out. Have fun storming the castle!”
The challenge at which I briefly hinted? In the comments, try to come up with a caption or micro story for the photo. Most of you will not, and that’s fine. But a few of you will. I’m hoping for five attempts. (In my dreams, I wake up tomorrow morning to find 37 sterling suggestions, something that would make me giddy with joy and faith in humanity, but I’m fully aware that dreams are often crushed in the Land of WordPressia.)
Mother-in-Law: “Hey, who locked this confessional door? Is there anybody out there? Hello? Damn. I knew something was up when the goat disappeared…”
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
“Do my hands look big in this honey?”
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Well, if those hands are indicative of other things…
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“When I waxed my head it pulled my eyeballs out” – weak and pathetic, I know, but that’s all I can do today (well, most days really).
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But the lovely eye shadow pulls it all together…
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Pulls something together – I’m not convinced it’s a proper “thing” though!
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My architect friends would go with 5, but my money is on 4!
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I’m glad you liked that one, since I wasn’t sure if it would work or not… 😉
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Thank goodness shoulder pads are no longer in!
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Are they really no longer in? [Cue evil laughter…]
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Which one of you stole my eyeliner? Cough it up, Ozzy, I’m late for my audition with Imagine Dragons.
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Ozzy: “I think Sharon has it, mate.”
Sharon: “Everything about me is natural.”
Ozzy: “Sure it is. Did you sign that prenup?”
Dan Reynolds: “It’s Time I admit that I have a crush on both of you.”
Ozzy: “Didn’t see that coming.”
Sharon: “I didn’t see you living this long. We all win.”
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“Velcome to the neighborhood! Come in and meet the wife and kids.”
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“Yeah, well, I’m just here to read the gas meter… but your eyes are so compelling, almost hypnotic.. maybe I’ll step in for a cup of tea… pardon me if my neck gets in your way…”
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You lost two ferrets you say? You think I’m wearing them as eyebrows you say?
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Ferret #1: “Oh, I love this new elevation. I can see France!”
Ferret #2: “That’s not France. That’s Oklahoma.”
Ferret #1: “But they still have cheese, right?”
Ferret #2: “I really don’t know you anymore.”
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🤣🤣🤣💖
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Employee leaves work after one long week.
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Employees are stopped at the door and told that the weekend has been cancelled. Sadness ensues, and bitter poetry is written…
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Dreams and hopes are shattered. Souls are crushed and it begins again on Monday.
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Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. We proudly present the new Undertaker Jacket Collection.
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Oh, this is in the running for best comment so far. Cross your fingers!
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I will. 🙂
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“Hello, Avon Calling!”
(Feel free to insert whatever annoying asshole salesperson who cannot read the “No Solicitations Please” sign, who shows up on your doormat, representing some huge corporation/pyramid scheme)
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Avon: “That’s a lie! I never had sex with that woman.”
Hillary: “Bill, is that you?”
Brian: “I don’t know why I went there. It seemed like a good idea at the time…”
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(channeling Jack Nicolsen in “The Shining”..sans the axe) …. “Daddy’s Hoooommmmme!”
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Haha love this 😱
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Axe: “But Jack, why have you forsaken me?”
Jack: “Because I got tired of you codependency.”
Axe: “I don’t know what that means. Please love me again. I can break down doors and make Shelley Duvall scream!”
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Last one (I SWEAR)
Now what did I come down here for again?
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Prescription bottle on the counter: “You want me, you need me, and there ain’t no way you’re ever gonna leave me.”
Embeecee: “No, that’s not it. It was something else…”
Huny: “Hello? Waitin’ on a treat here. Do I need to do a backflip to get it?”
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Ohhhh take six by a huge margin haha
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But for a lesser margin you can get Billy Ray Cyrus on his comeback tour. A much lesser margin…
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Honey, why did you order pizza with pineapple on it? You know I hate pizza with pineapple.
I didn’t order pizza with pineapple. Why would I do that?
Pineapple on pizza is an atrocity. People who put pineapple on pizza should be burned at the stake for their crime against humanity.
I didn’t order pizza, Nosu darling. It must have been the neighbors.
Oh… um…
Oh dear. What did you do with the pizza delivery boy?
Nothing… um… where’s the shovel?
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In my defense, someone put a pineapple pizza in the break room. I’m a little distraught right now.
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Pizza Boy: “Dude, you really need to work on your fang-biting skills. You missed my neck by a mile. And I still have this Aloha Pizza to get rid of. Anybody?”
Brian, raising hand timidly: “Is there ham on it as well?”
Pizza Boy: “Is Arizona dry?”
Brian: “Glory be!”
Pizza Boy: “But you know this means that CJ is now going to have unsettled thoughts about you.”
Brian, lowering hand: “You’re right. This is beneath me.”
Pizza Boy: “Of course, I could just leave it on the stoop. No harm, no foul.”
Brian, winking: “Got it. All ham, no fowl.”
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Working for Corporate America kills you. That’s why I quit!
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Preach! Although I wouldn’t mind having that medical insurance coverage again. But still, preach! 😉
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Haha, my insurance at my last job for a corporate company was shit. They were scamming me. I was paying more in than they were paying out. Thankfully, I wasn’t making much & pay an arm & leg & was able to sign up for Obamacare. Now, I have no insurance. Yikes.
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Dumpula awoke feeling odd. He asked himself, self, did I sleep standing up? Terrific! I no longer have to put my hair in a glass next to the bed at night! I have to tweet!! Wait, [feels a breeze and gropes head] where’s my hair?? Did Melania take my hair again? Shit on a stick! And damn it all! Where’s my tanning bed? Hummmm… did a zombie get me??? [Electorate: let’s hope so. Otherwise, you have no excuses at all …] 😉
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And this right here encapsulates everything that anyone ever needs to know about the Trump Administration… 😉
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Why do people always ring my doorbell on Halloween? It’s so annoying. Plus, I’m so old, that by the time I finally do get to the door they have long gone. 😦
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Trick-or-treater, still standing on the porch: “Old? Don’t talk to me about old. I was just trying to figure out where my car keys are and I ended up here…”
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Haha.
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Roderick had found that meeting his potential future in-laws had proven to be a traumatic experience. One from which he doubted that he would ever fully recover.
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On the plus side, Roderick had just signed a new contract with Warner Brothers, guaranteeing a solid income for the next seven years. So, you win some, you lose some…
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Way to go Roderick!
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“I’ll take door number 3, Monty!” …ZONK
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Monty: “Actually, Door Number 3 has been closed for repairs. One of the supermodels who was trying to open it got a splinter, and now that whole area has been designated a crime scene. Pick again.”
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haha Good one! 🙂
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I like the original and Take 6.
Minor suggestion: Line 2 is very funny, and even funnier if you take out the word “last” in line one.
Sewage Management Department is hilarious. He looks like the perfect candidate. Donald would hire him for sure!
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