Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #553

Some Woman That Is Not Lucy: “And here’s a bit of coffee that can work better than Viagra if you would just let go of your psychological speed bumps.”

Desi: “Who the hell are you?”

Not Lucy: “I come from the future. But don’t think about it too much or you’ll be flaccid again.”

Desi: “I’ve never been flaccid in my life. I’m Cuban. We don’t even have a word for that condition in our language.”

Not Lucy: “Of course you do. In every culture there are men who can’t raise a flag. It’s one of the main reasons why nations go to war, right behind religion and ignorance. Now drink up.”

Desi: “I’m not drinking anything. What have you done with Lucy?”

Not Lucy: “Nothing that hasn’t been done before. This is Hollywood. Every actress knows that her time in the spotlight is limited, because advertisers reject every female over the age of 23. Meanwhile, the male actors are allowed to fart their way into senility without dropping in popularity, starring in vapid movies where an octogenarian manages to bed a high-school student with the ease of opening a can of tuna.”

Desi: “You sound bitter. Is it because they made you wear that dress?”

Not Lucy: “My outfit is a non-issue, even though I do hate it, fearing that Julie Andrews will be inspired to make overly-cute urchins wear similar couture and bellow vapid songs about sewing. But that’s not important. You just need to do what the script says and no one else will get hurt.” Not Lucy finally set the annoying coffee pot on the table and flounced off to another part of the kitchen, humming a little tune about corporate takeovers.

Voice from the Toaster: “Psst. Desi, it’s me. Can you hear me?”

Desi: “Lucy? What have you done this time?”

Toaster Lucy: “Now, don’t be mad, but Ethel and I were bored and we were experimenting with time travel and we somehow switched places with a woman named Janet and now we’re stuck somewhere in Oklahoma where they have a lot of cows. I haven’t heard this much mooing since our wedding night.”

Desi: “I don’t understand what’s going on with this show.”

Toaster Lucy: “Oh, honey, did you ever?”


Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 10/05/17. Slight changes made. Minimally-related and slightly-deep survey question that you should feel no guilt about not answering: If you could use a time-machine to travel backwards to one place and alter one event, where would you go and what would you change?


32 replies »

  1. Totally selfish, but – I would go back and sign the damn Life Insurance Policy for my Husband – we didn’t because we were waiting for a new bank account credit card to submit it. Be a different story financially now if we had done.

    P.S – must explain that I believe that if I did go back and change that – Fate would have found some way to even the score anyway. (Which is why I didn’t ask to change the fact of my Hubby getting sick and dying – some things are just in The Universe’s Planner, and no amount of wishing and hoping is gonna change them.)

    Liked by 2 people

    • I can completely understand wanting to change a financial trigger. There have been multiple times in my life when I made a poor decision in that area, either out of ignorance or not taking the time to fully research things. Most recent example: I made a very bad miscalculation during my retirement process that is going to cost me a lot of money for the next several years. This could have been avoided if I hadn’t been so giddy about the retirement and had bothered to read some readily-available information.

      I also understand not wanting to mess with a medical situation that went terribly awry. I would love to go back in time and prevent my youngest sister from having a massive seizure in her early 20s which left her paralyzed. But she had an underlying issue with her body that was undetected, and if I stopped the first incident, there was eventually going to be a second one, and who knows how that might have turned out.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yep, I get that, I want to change it – but I kinda believe that the balance requires something in it’s place, so: accept and grow and accept and move. Still, we can secretly wish ….. Hugs

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Interesting take on Lucy. Part of me wants to have 45’s mother leave his father prior to his conception. And at the same time, I do hate to give him that much energy, but it could be a public service.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My first thought is 9/11, but it’s a hard choice. Would that just be delaying the inevitable? So many things have gone wrong in history… perhaps some for the greater good?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. First: Your site has stopped leaping about. Whatever fix you initiated worked…OR WordPress woke up to the fact that they had soiled access to your blog and have fixed it. In either case, one can now enter the Hallowed Halls without vertigo. Cheers! 🙂

    Now to the post: I may have commented on an earlier version of this, because I remember making some comment about Desi and the ‘fact’ (perpetrated in gossip columns and those weird magazines that feature stories about how one’s baby daddy was an alien with randy bumps..) that his flag apparently flew at the drop of a hint or a warm breeze. He seemed to latch on to anything with a pulse, and as one put it “The crack of dawn wasn’t safe around that man.” BUT. That sort of roaming behavior is often seen by men who are married to strong women who control the purse strings and are probably OCD bitches in their private lives. In fact, in one recent episode of “Midsome Murders” (approach that with care. The uncensored for Americans with a stick up their ass or aka MORALS ((I guess. I go with the stick personally)) version can be quite salty).. in the episode a seemingly meek (read pussy whipped) man with a horror of a pushy overbearing wife (why do they marry? This continues to haunt me) was found to be the villain, who was hoisting his flag with the victim’s wife. Huh. Well another LONG comment from the vault here..

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, good to hear that the leaping has ceased. I did check all my setting, and though I didn’t find a culprit for the leaping, I did notice a few things that needed adjustment, so it was all good in the end.

      Second, and maybe it’s just me, but too many ridiculous moments in history have been the result of men who can’t control their flag or (and this is perhaps even more important) can’t seem to comprehend why the rest of the world doesn’t bow down in worship of their flag ownership.

      Third, you really have me intrigued with your various mentions of “Midsome Murders”. I really must check this business out. Naturally, I will want the salty version, even though my doctor, in the three minutes that he acknowledges my existence, insists that I shouldn’t have so much of such…


      • Oh, if you haven’t partaken of the Midsomer Murder series, I strongly encourage it. IF you like English series, and ‘cozy’ mysteries. It starts out fairly benign, but as the series progresses, the gruesome kicks in..graphic scenes of murder…in fact yesterday I watched one and the victim was cooked in a steamer thingie…you could almost smell the roasted flesh. Bleah. And until Season 15 (?) the actor, John Nettles, featured as the lead detective. He’s great in the role, his predecessor, meh. BUT. Chief Inspector Barnaby has three different ‘assistants’..all beef cake. Especially John Hopkins (which amuses me greatly. An actor named after a hospital? 😉 Hee hee). There is one episode which shows quite a lot of nudity and confirmed that the third assistant had buns of steel .. *phew* 😛

        Liked by 1 person

        • ER … predecessor is wrong. I think the correct word is successor? Well anyway whatever actor it is that now has the role of Chief Inspector. Forgive me for the wordiness. It’s early and I’m barely into my Cheerios..

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Interesting question you pose, and it’s one I’ve considered. Certain things run through your mind… “If only I had taken that job,” or “if only I hadn’t taken that job,” or “if only I had trusted my instincts.” But then I realize how all those missed opportunities and painful memories are what made me who I am and brought me to this time and place, so maybe it’s for the best it happened as it did. So then I think I’d change something for a loved one and improve their life — but who am I to make that call?
    If we’re not careful, this could turn into a Waiting for Godot.

    Liked by 2 people

    • True enough, in that altering our (or the world’s) pathways will lead to alternate destinations that could possibly be worse than the original. But it’s hard for me to let go of the possibility, because there have been so many happenstance moments that, if only adjusted slightly, could have prevented some of the global conflicts that we are still engaged in after centuries of suffering and pointless loss.

      On a lighter note, you have me contemplating changing the tagline for this blog from “Peace. Tranquility. Insanity.” to “Waiting for Godot”. In the end, aren’t both sentiments the same?…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Chimera Suckabee Slanders made an announcement today confirming that Donald T Rump has been chosen by leaders of the planet Anagram Ninsae to represent Earth during trade negotiations. “This is official and should settle everyone’s questions,” she pronounced before closing the briefing.

    Ever since Rump claimed via tweet that he had been tapped for the job after the Ninsae contacted him through his refrigerator using the voice of Lucille Ball, other world leaders and the Democratic Party have been doubtful and cautious.

    “I am honoured and delighted!” Rump enthused. “This is a yuge job, a terrific job, but no one can do better than me with the Ninsae. The Earth is in good hands.”

    Slanders will be making a further announcement tomorrow as preparations proceed.

    And, to answer your question – nope. I have trouble changing the vacuum cleaner bag, so I should probably just leave that one alone. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Another excellent comment. In fact, you have me scrambling through my collection of vintage photos (deftly stolen from the Internet) to find one that will nicely illustrate your spot-on parable. Perhaps a movie still from “Bedtime for Bonzo”, starring Ronald Reagan and an uncontrollable chimp who destroys everything around him but still expects to be loved.This would be a perfect “Past Imperfect”.

      Now, as for the vacuum cleaner angle, I hear you. If I wasn’t able to make the right decisions in the first place, how the hell can I expect to make the right one the second time around?


    • Ah, I understand that feeling well. Of course, I wasn’t allowed to actually marry until relatively yesterday according to my ancient chronology, but there were certainly a few “life partner” situations that were devoid of life by the time they miserably ended…

      Liked by 1 person

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