Some Woman That Is Not Lucy: “And here’s a bit of coffee that can work better than Viagra if you would just let go of your psychological speed bumps.”
Desi: “Who the hell are you?”
Not Lucy: “I come from the future. But don’t think about it too much or you’ll be flaccid again.”
Desi: “I’ve never been flaccid in my life. I’m Cuban. We don’t even have a word for that condition in our language.”
Not Lucy: “Of course you do. In every culture there are men who can’t raise a flag. It’s one of the main reasons why nations go to war, right behind religion and ignorance. Now drink up.”
Desi: “I’m not drinking anything. What have you done with Lucy?”
Not Lucy: “Nothing that hasn’t been done before. This is Hollywood. Every actress knows that her time in the spotlight is limited, because advertisers reject every female over the age of 23. Meanwhile, the male actors are allowed to fart their way into senility without dropping in popularity, starring in vapid movies where an octogenarian manages to bed a high-school student with the ease of opening a can of tuna.”
Desi: “You sound bitter. Is it because they made you wear that dress?”
Not Lucy: “My outfit is a non-issue, even though I do hate it, fearing that Julie Andrews will be inspired to make overly-cute urchins wear similar couture and bellow vapid songs about sewing. But that’s not important. You just need to do what the script says and no one else will get hurt.” Not Lucy finally set the annoying coffee pot on the table and flounced off to another part of the kitchen, humming a little tune about corporate takeovers.
Voice from the Toaster: “Psst. Desi, it’s me. Can you hear me?”
Desi: “Lucy? What have you done this time?”
Toaster Lucy: “Now, don’t be mad, but Ethel and I were bored and we were experimenting with time travel and we somehow switched places with a woman named Janet and now we’re stuck somewhere in Oklahoma where they have a lot of cows. I haven’t heard this much mooing since our wedding night.”
Desi: “I don’t understand what’s going on with this show.”
Toaster Lucy: “Oh, honey, did you ever?”
Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 10/05/17. Slight changes made. Minimally-related and slightly-deep survey question that you should feel no guilt about not answering: If you could use a time-machine to travel backwards to one place and alter one event, where would you go and what would you change?
Categories: Past Imperfect