Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #559

Fred, left: “I’m sorry to intrude, but I just found these undergarments in the hallway, and I thought I might inquire as to whether or not you might wish to claim ownership.”

Melvyn, center: “Good God, man. Why so many words? Couldn’t you have just asked ‘are these drawers yours’? We’re very busy people.”

Jean, right: “Well, I can assure you that those tawdry items are not mine. I’m a complete virgin, and I couldn’t possibly have left those lying about as I wouldn’t dream of removing my own clothing. I’ve never seen my own hoo-hoo!”

Fred: “That’s a completely unexpected and unrequited response. I’m not sure how to process this information.”

Melvyn: “I’m not either, buddy. We’ve been married for a month now and she’s never let me cross the threshold.”

Jean: “Now, darling, don’t be so blue. I told you that I was saving myself for someone special.”

Fred: “And we continue with the information that I don’t really need to-”

Melvyn: “Special? How much more special can you get than being your husband?”

Jean: “Dearest, I let you hold my hand that one time when we drank a glass of wine at the Italian restaurant where that beastly man kept singing opera at our table. One would think that would be sufficient to stifle your carnal nature until I was spiritually prepared for further developments.”

Fred: “It seems I may have acted brashly by knocking on your door, and now all I want to do is escape. I just assumed that because I found a room key for this very door bundled up in the bloomers that I might find some resolution by making a house call. I shall now flee.”

Melvyn: “Wait! That room key smells like ‘Eau de Chastity’, the very perfume that Jean wears.”

Jean: “How dare you accuse me of sleeping with the room service waiter whilst you were in the shower!”

Fred: “I’m getting scared now. Can I just leave this here and pretend like none of this ever happened?”

Melvyn: “I thought I heard some odd noises as I scrubbed my neglected bits in the bathroom., but I just assumed it was the sound of my personal shame swirling down the drain. That sounds like a confessional, Jean. Explain yourself.”

Jean: “I don’t have to explain anything. And you have no right to question the sanctity of my glorious nexus. I cannot stand the sight of you and I demand that you and your unseen bits leave immediately.”

Melvyn left. The door slammed.

Out in the hallway…

Fred: “Do you think it worked?”

Melvyn: “Of course it did. She has no idea that I never planned to cross her threshold in the first place. Let’s head back to your room and make our own opera.”

Inside the room…

Jean picks up the phone. “Hello, room service? Yes, I’d like to order the cobb salad. And can you make sure that Arturo is the one who delivers it? Thank you.”


Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 11/16/17. No changes made. Completely unrelated note: This is a long shot, but do any of you tenured residents here at Bonnywood remember me doing a multi-part series on a hellacious visit to the DMV to renew my driver’s license? I could swear I’ve done one at some point, but I can’t find anything in any of the archives for any of my blogs. At this point I don’t even care if I find it, I’m just needing some reassurance that I haven’t lost my mind. On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have asked this question, because some of you might run with the wind at this opportunity to mess with me…


23 replies »

  1. *but I just assumed it was the sound of my personal shame swirling down the drain* ….. sublime use of unrequited words. Or not, as it turns out – good man Melvyn, you concealed your personal preferences particularly well there. Jean needs to take lessons 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think everyone came away from this with a win. Melvyn and Fred are increasing their exposure to the operatic arts, and Jean is making healthier eating choices by ordering a salad, with the undressing on the side…

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes you DID do a series on your exploits of a DMV nature. I remember because I had done one myself and was chuckling at the similarities of our brain processes. When was this? Look in September’s stuff because aside from that embarrassing moment of driver’s license misplacement this year, I don’t have any dealings with the DMV. Scary %$@# place..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Whew! At least I’m not completely losing my mind. I’ll keep digging. Knowing me, I probably gave the file an insipid name and then parked it in an equally insipid folder…


  3. I’ve had friends who were complete virgins, but sadly I’ve never met a partial virgin. I keep hoping.

    I have a vague recollection of a DMV post. I believe it was a numbered one, like “12 ways waiting in line at the DMV will crush your soul” or something like that. Does that ring a bell? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • It does ring something of a bell, although it might just be a mild case of tinnitus. I’m usually very anal about keeping my files nice and tidy, but every once in a while I muck it up and park something where I should never have parked it. And it’s probably not even that good of a post, but the mere fact that I remember doing but now cannot find it is pushing me over the edge…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I remember reading about your DMV experience. Aren’t they all the same? Hell, I don’t understand the big deal. Just because you have a “license to drive” doesn’t mean you can actually DRIVE! (I’m thinking a lot of folks got theirs out of a Cracker Jack box.) LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I agree completely. There is something fundamentally wrong with driver certification in this country, because there are so many idiots out there who can instantly kill us all with their ineptitude. It’s a damn shame, it is. (Love the Cracker Jack reference. Perfect.)


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