Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #568

Whoopi: “Hello?”

Voice: “Yes, could I speak to the lady of the house?”

Whoopi: “We don’t have a lady of the house. We have a wretched, spoiled woman with no soul or sense of shame.”

Voice: “Perfect! That’s just the type of person that interests me.”

Wretched Woman, hollering from upstairs because she also has no sense of couth: “Whoopi! My bathwater has gone cold. Come run me some more hot.”

Whoopi, covering the mouthpiece: “I’ll be right there.” Uncovering: “I absolutely cannot stand her. If I take the phone to her, will you make her suffer in some way?”

Voice: “That’s my specialty. This is the devil.”

Whoopi: “The devil? As in the devil. Brimstone and all that mess?”

Voice: “In the rotted flesh.”

Whoopi: “Oh. I didn’t realize you literally made house calls.”

Voice: “It’s part of our outreach program. We’ve had to adjust our marketing strategy lately to keep up with all the social medias and whatnot.”

Whoopi: “Good to know. Say, while I’ve got you on the phone, could you take a look in your files and see how I’m doing with my own life? It’ll help me with my monthly budget planning if I know where I’m headed.”

Voice, shuffling papers: “Sure. I just happen to have your file right here and… let’s see… oh, honey, you’re just fine. I smell some pearly gates for you, girl!”

Whoopi, beaming: “Hallelujah! Wait, did that come across as offensive. I don’t mean to be rude.”

Voice: “Oh, don’t worry about it. You win some, you lose some. Besides, my relationship with the Celestial Clan has been blown out of proportion. We’re actually pretty tight. I just played golf with Jesus the other day.”

Whoopi: “Really? And how did that go?”

Voice: “He cheated a little bit. I know he moved his marker on the ninth hole. But I’ve done worse. He’s a good guy. We just have different corporate sponsors.”

Wretched Woman, hollering again: “Whoopi! I told you that my water is cold. Get your ass up here! And bring me another pitcher of martinis.”

Whoopi: “I am so glad you called.”

Voice: “The pleasure is all mine, trust me. Now, let’s kick this off. Just walk upstairs and hand her the extension. I’ll take it from there.”

Whoopi: “Got it. Give me just a sec.”

Voice: “And Whoopi?”

Whoopi: “Yes, Devil Man?”

Voice: “Just for the record, Jesus and I talked about this in the 19th Hole Bar. Neither one of us wants Donald Trump. Spread the word.”

 

Note One: Yes, I realize that this actress is not actually Whoopi Goldberg. It’s Butterfly McQueen (“Gone with the Wind”) in an uncredited role in “Mildred Pierce”. But the resemblance to a younger Whoopi is startling, no? Or is it just me?

Note Two: Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 03/07/18, a mere three weeks ago, making this post perhaps the quickest transition from “Crusty” to “Bonny”. I couldn’t help it. I really enjoyed doing this one, so mea culpa to the folks who feel like they just read this yesterday. (Personal side note to the lovely CJHartwell: See? I told you I wouldn’t be able to wait.)

 

21 replies »

  1. I love this. 🙂 And yes, McQueen does look like a young Whoopie.

    So, where will the Dumpster Don go? An idea: after losing his voice he has to continuously re-live video of a secret buddy weekend where Mexico, Canada, N Korea and China get together to drink beer, get wasted and throw darts at his twitter feed picture (you know, the one where he looks like he’s swallowed a lot of jellied salad). That should make him nuts. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

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