Whoopi: “Hello?”
Voice: “Yes, could I speak to the lady of the house?”
Whoopi: “We don’t have a lady of the house. We have a wretched, spoiled woman with no soul or sense of shame.”
Voice: “Perfect! That’s just the type of person that interests me.”
Wretched Woman, hollering from upstairs because she also has no sense of couth: “Whoopi! My bathwater has gone cold. Come run me some more hot.”
Whoopi, covering the mouthpiece: “I’ll be right there.” Uncovering: “I absolutely cannot stand her. If I take the phone to her, will you make her suffer in some way?”
Voice: “That’s my specialty. This is the devil.”
Whoopi: “The devil? As in the devil. Brimstone and all that mess?”
Voice: “In the rotted flesh.”
Whoopi: “Oh. I didn’t realize you literally made house calls.”
Voice: “It’s part of our outreach program. We’ve had to adjust our marketing strategy lately to keep up with all the social medias and whatnot.”
Whoopi: “Good to know. Say, while I’ve got you on the phone, could you take a look in your files and see how I’m doing with my own life? It’ll help me with my monthly budget planning if I know where I’m headed.”
Voice, shuffling papers: “Sure. I just happen to have your file right here and… let’s see… oh, honey, you’re just fine. I smell some pearly gates for you, girl!”
Whoopi, beaming: “Hallelujah! Wait, did that come across as offensive. I don’t mean to be rude.”
Voice: “Oh, don’t worry about it. You win some, you lose some. Besides, my relationship with the Celestial Clan has been blown out of proportion. We’re actually pretty tight. I just played golf with Jesus the other day.”
Whoopi: “Really? And how did that go?”
Voice: “He cheated a little bit. I know he moved his marker on the ninth hole. But I’ve done worse. He’s a good guy. We just have different corporate sponsors.”
Wretched Woman, hollering again: “Whoopi! I told you that my water is cold. Get your ass up here! And bring me another pitcher of martinis.”
Whoopi: “I am so glad you called.”
Voice: “The pleasure is all mine, trust me. Now, let’s kick this off. Just walk upstairs and hand her the extension. I’ll take it from there.”
Whoopi: “Got it. Give me just a sec.”
Voice: “And Whoopi?”
Whoopi: “Yes, Devil Man?”
Voice: “Just for the record, Jesus and I talked about this in the 19th Hole Bar. Neither one of us wants Donald Trump. Spread the word.”
Note One: Yes, I realize that this actress is not actually Whoopi Goldberg. It’s Butterfly McQueen (“Gone with the Wind”) in an uncredited role in “Mildred Pierce”. But the resemblance to a younger Whoopi is startling, no? Or is it just me?
Note Two: Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 03/07/18, a mere three weeks ago, making this post perhaps the quickest transition from “Crusty” to “Bonny”. I couldn’t help it. I really enjoyed doing this one, so mea culpa to the folks who feel like they just read this yesterday. (Personal side note to the lovely CJHartwell: See? I told you I wouldn’t be able to wait.)
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
But, but, but, Drumpf so wants to be loved by everyone!
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Drumpf loves himself so much that it doesn’t even cross his mind that others might not be so appreciative…
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A little bizarre to me
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Then perhaps you should visit Bonnywood Manor more often so you can become accustomed to the absurdity… 😉
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No, it’s not just you…especially in this picture!
Oh my, how I hated Gone with the Wind. I am not sure I got through the movie. I think I may have fallen into some kind of annoyed/enraged/bored sleep.
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“Gone with the Wind” is one of those movies where we have been conditioned to give it more worth than it might actually deserve. There are some great moments, fully admit, but the overall journey is not quite what it could have been…
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I agree about the conditioning!
Now the Princess Bride…that’s a different story… 😁
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“Princess Bride” is golden. The movie is wonderful in so many ways, despite certain naysayers. But, at the risk of being publicly humiliated in the village square (perhaps deservedly so), the book is even more sublime…
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I could not agree more…I mean, I adore the movie production, but I died, I absolutely died reading that book!
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“We just have different corporate sponsors.” Isn’t that the truth!!
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It all comes down to who has the money and how they use it… 😉
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Yep. Always has been and always will be.
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I remembered this one, but the “Yes, Devil Man?“ still made me chuckle. 😛
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It’s the throwaway lines that are usually my favorites with these twisted little stories… 😉
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I love this. 🙂 And yes, McQueen does look like a young Whoopie.
So, where will the Dumpster Don go? An idea: after losing his voice he has to continuously re-live video of a secret buddy weekend where Mexico, Canada, N Korea and China get together to drink beer, get wasted and throw darts at his twitter feed picture (you know, the one where he looks like he’s swallowed a lot of jellied salad). That should make him nuts. 😉
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It SHOULD make him nuts, but I think Dumpster Don loves himself so much that nothing will ever crack the bitter crust of his self-idolatry…
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Haha, great : )
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Thanks, G. (Thinking of you, by the way. Stay strong.)
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Thanks darlin- I did go on a first coffee date on the weekend- “casual fun only” written in texta across my forehead xx
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*snickersnicker* You poor man, you just can’t help yourself. That’s why we love you so. 🤗
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My weaknesses are front and center, I’m afraid… 😉
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