10 Reasons Why

15 More Smarmy Things to Say to Your Significant Other That You Deeply Love but Still Want to Slap Sometimes

1. “Can you help me understand why that pair of underwear has been in the same spot for two weeks now? Is it a memorial of some kind? Are we not allowed to touch it, like the state flower when it grows by the side of the road?”

2. “It is SO sweet of you to designate that pretty glass bowl as the new home for our keychains and wallets. Very efficient and space-saving of you. Now, in the future, could you possibly send out a memo when you decide to do these things? Preferably well in advance of me needing to get to an important appointment with our financial planner in a timely manner. Your surprise redecorating has indirectly resulted in a rather annoying foreclosure on this house. And it looks like you might need to find a smaller bowl, since we won’t have as many keys in a few days.”

3. “Why are we watching this movie? Again. For the 12th time. Was there a recall and they changed the ending?”

4. “Dumplin’, allow me to break this down for you. If you feed the cat this, then the litter box is going to look like that. Please tell me you finally understand the connection. Otherwise, I’m leaving.”

5. “Yes, I understand that you like bold, dramatic color schemes, and that I seek comfort in stark white when it comes to interior house paint. It’s only fair that we work together and come to an all-satisfying compromise. But Sweetie, I just don’t think I can go on with life if there is something called “Xanadu Eggplant with Leg-Warmer Trim” coating my walls. I just can’t bear it. Let’s be agreeable about something else, shall we?”

6. “Say, you know that very interesting noise you make when you refuse to use a tissue and instead suck all that effluvia back into your head? If you make that noise one more time within my auditory range, an officer will be stringing up police tape around the crime scene that’s about to happen.”

7. “I’m just curious, Poodle. What aspect of my clothing choices, facial expressions, angry blog posts and, well, upbringing in general, would make you think I would willingly go along with your decision to play 70s disco music first thing on a Saturday morning? Seriously, I need some quiet time with a pot of coffee before I hear the tragic tale of someone leaving Donna Summer’s damn cake out in the rain.”

8. “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re not noticing that I’m intentionally not noticing you.”

9. “Here’s what I’m observing. Every day, you come in the back door after work, then race to the front of the house to check the mail slot before you even set your briefcase down, stomping on the cats and knocking me aside as I stand there with my lips pursed for a welcoming kiss. What the hell are you expecting in the mailbox? Kelly Clarkson?”

10. “Oh, no. No. Not at all. We are no longer qualified to wear sleeveless t-shirts. The bloom is long gone. You could take an eye out with that swinging flesh. We must now sit chastely at dinner parties and hope a body part doesn’t fall off before coffee is served.”

11. “Of course I understand the meaning of ‘compromise’. That’s how I know when you’re not doing it.”

12. “No, she’s your friend. I’M not the one who invited her over. Why do you find her psychotic hallucinations so entertaining? Remember, she’s the one who destroyed Great-Aunt Helga’s cuckoo clock because she thought the bird was stalking her. Wait, what was that? She’s a travel agent and can get us free tickets to Malaga? Oh. Perhaps I spoke too soon. Go answer the door while I hide the sharp knives and anything that chirps.”

13. “Darling, please take a look at this brochure. Isn’t it festive? It’s from Oprah’s people. I’d like you to pay special attention to Page 3. That’s where trained specialists explain that, when two people in a relationship are discussing food-consumption arrangements, the initial question of ‘What would you like for dinner?’ should NOT be rebutted with ‘Well, what would you like for dinner?’ This leads to a death-spiral tennis match where no one gets to eat what they want.”

14. “Who ARE you right now? Are they casting another sequel to ‘The Exorcist’?”

15. “Please leave your message at the beep. I’ll get back to you within 5 to 7 business days. Until then, let’s do something about The Underwear That Hath Not Moved. The police department only has so much crime-scene tape.”

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 03/04/11. Considerable changes made, mostly to soften the edges of some of the salvos. After all, it’s not the individual scenes that matter. It’s the entire movie…

 

24 replies »

    • It’s truly amazing. I was on the treadmill the other day (which is startling enough) and I happened to stretch out my arms just to get the kinks out (which was stupid, because I have no sense of balance and should have kept my hands firmly on the handlebars) and the pendulous wing-flaps hanging from my arms were large enough that I could see my own reflection. I cried a little bit… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. BWAHAHAHHA. You’ve also inadvertently supplied ME with reasons I’m sorta glad hubby is dead now. That underwear scenario got real old. And #s 2, 6, 10 and 13 were issues as well. He never did get the fact that if he fed our dogs chili con carne (with MEAT! Ole!), the resultant perfume de odeur would sterilize frogs at 50 paces (at least). And sometimes the dog would do what the cat implicitly did, only sans a cat box. Hubby wouldn’t clean it up either. Now I was also guilty of some of the things on the list, but nobody alive can call me on them. So I win?

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s a little bit sad when we reach the point where some of the people who knew our dark secrets are no longer with us. But at the same time, there’s a wee bit of comfort. I’ve had many, many years to do some very bad things (with gusto, I might add) so the winnowing of the witness pool surely works in our favor, at least from a legal liability standpoint. Still, it’s bittersweet…

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  2. Numbers 1, 10, 11, 13 and 15 happen in my house. And number 12, just because I chuckled out loud like a mad fool. The others are pretty funny too. 😀 And don’t let that underwear get to where it starts growling and getting ready to start its own colony. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • The scariest thing about this post? Wondering what my partner might proffer as a counterpoint rebuttal. (Not that this post is about him in any way, please make note of that should you ever be required to appear as a material witness in a court case that may or may not involve me.)

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  3. Lol! The ol’ i’m giving you the silent treatment and you’re not getting it! No, i haven’t lost my voice. 🙂

    And the cat litter box thing!! If you give her that high fiber food, yes, her poos will resemble large brown bananas! Hello?!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It SO annoys me when my silent treatments are not fully appreciated. (At least acknowledge my performance art, right?) But to be honest, some of the special tributes that appear in the litter boxes in this house simply do not have any feasible scientific explanation. (What the hell do those cats do when we’re not here?)

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  4. Number 8 rang the whole of the city bells with me. Thanks for the laughs.
    I’m out of wit – even half-wit is too far for me today let’s just pretend I said something witheringly witty (even though, to the best of my knowledge, I never have before). 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. No.7. There is never NOT a good time to hear about cake in the rain, especially the live Donna Summer/Tina Arena duet (that is a fickle beast to find on YouTube no matter how many times I save it). Love the endearments, Poodle 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now you have me scouring the internet for the Donna/Tina tag-team, but all of my queries basically come back as “are you sure you’ve taken your medication today?” I shall persevere, honey darlin’…

      Liked by 1 person

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