Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #123

Fred had no idea if Barbara was telling the truth about that thing he was supposed to be investigating, but he was fairly certain that if she uncrossed her legs at this moment it would be quite obvious that she had little concern for undergarment propriety.

Barbara: “I could say the same for you.”

Fred was startled. “Did you just read my mind?”

Barbara: “I didn’t have to. You just look like a man who doesn’t bind the pendulum. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to loosen.”

Fred: “How interesting. Now, let’s get back to this business about your husband being dead.”

Barbara: “I didn’t say he was dead. I said he was dead to me. There’s a big difference between the two. One involves annoying funeral arrangements and the other means I no longer put out and I block him on Facebook.”

Fred: “Then why did you call the police? Making a false claim can lead to a long stretch in the slammer.”

Barbara: “Well, it’s been a long stretch in the boudoir since I’ve stretched my toes and something simply had to be done. Meaning me. Aren’t you here to protect and serve? I’m really interested in the serving part.”

Fred: “I think it might be time for me to head back to the station. I’ve got to file some reports and work on other cases and get as far away from you as I possibly can.”

Barbara: “Oh? Did I misread something? Are you one of those festive guys who thinks it’s fun to stay at the YMCA?”

Fred: “What? No! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends have memberships.”

Barbara: “Well, then it’s settled. Let’s rock the Casbah.”

Fred: “But I’m still on duty.”

Barbara: “And I’m still technically on duty as a wife, but I’m not getting all whiny about my personal issues. Perhaps you need a bit of convincing. How about I show you the evidence.” She suddenly uncrossed her legs with such agile and athletic grace that three of the five Olympic judges held up placards indicating a perfect score. (The other two judges held up Village People albums in a sign of protest.)

Fred tried not to look but he eventually succumbed to the succubus because, well, people named Fred often don’t have that many opportunities. “Wait, is that… is that a turnstile?”

Barbara: “Sorry. I forgot to disconnect that. I’ll have it off in a jiff.”

Fred: “But how does that thing even work?”

Barbara: “It’s wi-fi. You can find the most amazing things on Amazon these days. It emails me a monthly report for my doctoral thesis at Berkeley.” [Sounds of unstrapping followed by a metallic clank.] “There. The runway is clear. Shall we prepare for takeoff?”

Fred: “You’re doing a research project?”

Barbara: “You could say that.”

Fred: “So, in a way, I’m just contributing to the advancement of science.”

Barbara: “Exactly! See? It’s all good. Now, follow me. And bring the handcuffs.”

Fred, sighing: “Okay, fine. But don’t tell my three sons about this.”


Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 04/03/15. Considerably revised and extended and sprinkled with lots of pop culture references, including a very obscure “Seinfeld” shout-out and a last line that only works if you know Fred MacMurray trivia. These are the risks one takes at 1am on a random Wednesday morning…


20 replies »

    • In the immortal words of Duke Ellington and Irving Mills (more trivia!): “It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing)”. In a related note, I have been asked by the Songwriters Association of What’s Left of America to stop re-purposing ancient lyrics just to jack my blog stats. I have no idea what they are talking about… 😉

      Liked by 3 people

  1. You mean there might be LIFE after hubby? Whether dear departed or just gone? Huh. Now what will I ever do with the chastity belt/turnstile that I got for a shockingly low price…and now I know why too. Barbara had no further need of it, because I suspect once Fred got going, she remembered why one’s eyes roll back in their head time to time. And isn’t it commando that everyone was being delicate about, mentioning pendulums and unrestrained ponies? Just one caution about that state of being. Things sag. And that can be real off putting, even if your turnstile hasn’t had a whirl in a long while…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, yes, the sagging. I just recently made a comment about the startling degree of swaying I have been encountering with my body parts that did not previously sway. It’s simply not fair. I try to lead a fairly healthy lifestyle, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that no amount of preparation can counter the laws of gravity and decay. I once dreamed of Retirement being the joyous point where I could finally do what I wanted, completely unaware that my body might not have the same agenda…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Forgot Seinfeld. Sadly I didn’t ‘get’ the reference. I became disenchanted with Seinfeld after seeing Pretty Woman and deciding that George was a predator and had a wicked short man complex…Susan would agree.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Actually, I didn’t watch “Seinfeld” all that much, either, as it aired during a time when I avoided TV as much as possible, being in my “artistic” phase when I was trying to “find myself”. (Yep, I was as pathetic as it sounds.) But I did catch a few episodes, and thereby the trivia gained has spilled out of me decades later…


  3. So now we know what ‘Mr. Douglass aka Fred’ does on those long business trips he takes. And, Janis would probably get a kick from her song being referenced in your blog! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. OK, admission time. I used to watch that show but can’t remember if it was Fred or one of his boys that I was crushing on. Not so worried about dangly parts as the grey cells turning to mush.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I used to watch the show as well, but I only vaguely remember it, so I’m assuming I caught it during the late 60s and early 70s before it was cancelled, when I first became aware of dangly bits and what they might portend for my future… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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