Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #374

Amazon Operator: “How may I direct your call?”

Katharine: “I need to speak with someone about my order.”

Operator: “May I ask about the nature of your concern?”

Katharine: “They sent me the wrong thing, that’s my concern.”

Operator: “I see. And what were you expecting to get?”

Katharine: “Well, it’s a rather delicate subject, but I ordered a… personal massager.”

Operator: “Oh, I love those things. They really work out the kinks in my back.”

Katharine: “Yes, well, I do have some kinks that require attention, but my needs are a bit lower than the back. That sort of personal massager.”

Operator: “A foot massager?”

Katharine: “A bit higher than that.”

Operator: “I’m not sure what you…. Oh my, it just clicked. I love those things, too. If I had a nickel for every time I-”

Katharine: “Let’s not get into personal finance. Can you rectify this situation? Because these kinks aren’t going away on their own.”

Operator: “Girl, I’m on it. I’m pulling up your account with extreme urgency. By the way, what did they send you instead of the pleasure prod?”

Katharine: “An actual man. And he appears to be rather invested in his mission, so I think we need to put a rush on things.”

Operator: “I’m issuing an expedite right now and alerting the extraction team.”

Katharine: “And while you’re doing that, I’ll need some assistance with another issue.”

Operator: “I’m here to please. Well, not like the man that’s there to please you but-”

Katharine: “Can you find out what happened to the rest of my waist?”


Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 05/30/16 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 08/22/16. One minor change made. And yes, I realize the tiny waist is just an optical illusion caused by that sash thing hanging down. But still, at first glance, once can’t help but think “honey, you need to eat a cheeseburger”.

Update: 30 minutes later, the proper package finally arrived and Katharine briskly retired for the evening. As for the Pervert at the Door, the Amazon extraction team whisked him away with a grappling hook and then dropped him off at the White House. Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders both threw their legs over their head in unadulterated glee and sang a lovely folk song about infidelity and incompetence…


18 replies »

    • Yes, I realize I stretched the truth a bit when it comes to operators being kindly and supportive, but I must say that when I had to deal with customers during my dubious career at Verizon, I always did my best to appear much more chirpy than I actually felt. A little bit of understanding goes a very long way. (But I’m still not understanding that waist…)

      Liked by 1 person

  1. That fellow does appear bent (oh dear) on a mission, doesn’t he? He is likely to be surprised himself, and let us hope the extraction team is there in time…lest he suffer ego damage and perhaps some physical damage too. Kate does not appear to be a woman one toys with lightly (which is probably why the massager didn’t fulfill expectations. At least someone capable did her hair this time…and hid all the hats…

    Liked by 1 person

    • To be fair, I don’t think anything the extraction team might attempt would be able to attempt would be able to erase the lecherous smirk of Shorty at the Door. (Nothing against short people, mind you, but he does have a Napoleonic aura about him.) And yes, Kate had a better hairstylist this time around, but the costume designer hit the failblog with that pendulous top…


  2. A cheeseburger and maybe a few double chocolate cookies! That waist is smaller than Scarlett O’Hara’s seventeen incher.

    And – i’ve had okay enough encounters with Amazon customer service, but in this circumstance, maybe because it’s Katharine, they went above and beyond.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I always do wonder, when encountering an extremely streamlined individual, how they can possibly eat anything larger than a crouton without looking like a snake that has swallowed a Buick. How can they possibly be happy? I’m all for comfort and sturdiness…

      Liked by 1 person

      • As am i. I once had a tiny waist. Alas, no more. (It’s not the size of a Buick either, lol.) But i don’t miss tiny at all. Sturdy is much better.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. She’s on the phone totally ignoring a leering guy who’s legging it over her half door. Half gate? Shouldn’t she at least be grabbing a kitchen implement for defence? This scene would be much better if Michael Bay directed it. Just imagine … that gate blowing up right between leering guy’s legs. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, so you feel the need for some Michael Bay speed? Well, I may have to rework this one with more pyrotechnics and some clever usage of a meat cleaver. I’ll keep you posted… 😉


  4. The next-door neighbors here who have all the charm of a disgruntled bison (her) and a snot-rag (him) get several packages every single day …. do we think they may contain live men? If so, I feel it my duty to liberate them all. Generous spirited and big hearted as always 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I sense a wonderfully sublime upcoming post about the Bison and the Rag. Would it be uncouth of me to send them an excessively large package, one that could feasibly contain an average human, just so you can initiate the Liberation Protocols? The delicious possibilities of the fallout have me quivering with impish glee…

      Liked by 1 person

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