I really didn’t mean for it to happen. It just did.
The afternoon had been going splendidly. Another session by the pool with my three compadres. Spirits were flowing, naturally, as such procedures are dictated in the international bylaws of vacationing in a country that is not your own. It’s just what you do.
Slowly, as I piddled with my blog, I realized that the other three were doing things beyond the mere protocols of imbibing. (Side note: Yes, much to the dismay of those who feel that vacations are best spent sans blog, I am allowing myself a few hours to do so each day. There’s something in the air here, in a villa perched on a steep hill on the outskirts of Cómpeta, with the surreal sunlight and the vistas of the sea. There is an ancient language, seeking me, and I want to speak more of it.)
Sigh. I’m digressing once again, which is easy to do here, where the simple distractions compel your pursuit, and the seafood is so astoundingly fresh that you could incorporate a new religion, all hail the new messiah and the tax-exempt status. Speaking of pescado, the lovely Raz and Rosanna commandeered the kitchen in order to prep a glorious mound of fresh prawns for the grill. (They were in there for what seemed like three hours as they did magical things. Well, not always magical. I am not a fan of deveining anything, and I will happily pursue other avenues of alchemy. But they were also invoking the power of bacon strips and jalapeno slivers in a frenzy of Wiccan abandon. Gustatory salvation was waiting in the wings, it must be told.)
My partner, Terry, was equally busy, striving with fortitude and various activities to ensure that the ensuing meal would please the gods of the mountain whereupon we temporarily dwelled. And those gods did smile. The repast we enjoyed was sublime. I personally had at least three orgasms, I’m not ashamed to admit. (There may have been a fourth, but initial reports from the Seismographic Institute indicate that it was merely a gas bubble with misguided intentions.)
Post-meal, I sprang into action.
Well, not immediately. After three orgasms, there is a mandatory recuperative period wherein one must loll about at the scene of the crime and smile whimsically. Objective met, I raced into the kitchen and shooed everyone out. My contribution to the now evening would be to restore the kitchen to a status that would not require crime-scene tape.
Let it be known that resuscitating a room that has endured three hours of prawn-deveining is not something than any of us should hold lofty as a life accomplishment.
Still, I persevered. And I did a rather admirable job, if I’m allowed to admit so. The abused cookware and grilling implements and counters were now sparkling in absolution. For my final act, I was simply going to wrap a small plate of leftovers in aluminum foil and shove it in the fridge.
This was not my immediate destiny.
Instead, upon hoisting the rectangular box of foil, I did something unforgivably wrong and the roll of dainty pressed metal leapt out of my hands, bounced off at least three walls, careened off the stove, ricocheted off the refrigerator and essentially tried to flee the mountaintop, wailing that we shouldn’t cry for it, Argentina, as the Tinman’s toilet paper billowed across the countryside.
I was stunned.
More importantly, I did not simply and immediately confess my inadequacies to my villa-mates. I tried to cover my sordid tracks by rewinding 36 wretched miles of aluminum foil onto a tube of shame that is not meant to be rewound.
And thusly, ladies and gentlemen and disappointed gods of the mountaintop, we are left with Exhibit A which opened this post and stunned my traveling companions when they wandered into the kitchen this morning, in search of a spot of tea and instead finding the wreck of the Hindenburg.
Sometimes people should simply keep blogging and not make an attempt to better mankind.
Cheers.
Greetings from Cómpeta, Spain. More to follow. Assuming that I survive the Spanish Inquisition which surely must follow my inability to keep calm and carry on…
Categories: Humor
Bonnywood Manor 
Oh dear God. I’m not laughing *at* you. I’m laughing *with* you. 😁
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You would have died. Would. Have. Died. #seriously
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I hate bouncing, unwinding tin foil. But having to rewind is worse. Unless it’s plastic wrap. One time I managed to wrap the entire kitchen and the leftovers to the door of the fridge. 😉 Anyway, don’t let it ruin your holiday. 🙂
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Oh, if only we had live video footage of our experiences. Then we could show it to absolutely nobody, ever… 😉
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Once—in blatant disregard of international protocols forbidding mamas to get sick—I got the flu. My two preschoolers, of course, did not. I’d just gone to the store and scored several rolls of foil on some kind of twisted buy-one-get-one deal, so I handed them to the children and went back to praying for death. When The Hub got home, the house looked like particularly inspired alien-conspiracy theorists had run amuck. By this time he was no longer a new husband/father but a well-used one, so he just cleaned up. He’s never mentioned it to this day, but I’ve always had a soft spot for a nice roll of aluminum foil.
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I must admit that the aluminum foil of today is much more complacent that its antecedents. That old mess, once crinkled, had razor-sharp pointy bits that could easily shear an important body part. Now? Meh. You can wad up a sparkly projectile and hurl it with abandon, and very rarely does a blood-letting situation arise…
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O for the good old days of bloodthirsty convenience wraps.
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Oh, and I thought it was your entry into Art Contest for the Untalented.
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Truth be told, I did submit this piece to the San Miguel de Allende Fumbling Artists competition, but they just laughed and handed it back. So I decided to write a blog post instead… 😉
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Too funny! I’m sure it won’t do that the next time you work with foil *wink*
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I sense that I am doomed forever. Not that I had a good running start to begin with… 😉
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LMAO. Don’t you just hate it when your tin foil gets up and rolls miles away?
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It makes me crazy. I mean, I’m generally a nice person, why can’t I have some peace in the kitchen? 😉
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I know, is it really so much to ask that things in our kitchen behave themselves when we are using them?
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All aluminum foil is secretly an artistic extrovert wanting to break free. Therefore any opportunity to roll off and express it’s true nature is taken with abandon. Feel proud that you assisted in the liberation of it’s creative soul.
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What a great spin! It was not an instance of ineptitude, but rather a humanitarian effort on my part… 😉
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absolutely –
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I wondered what the heck that crunched up thing was. I’ve been really enjoying (and envying) these bits of heaven from a galaxy far, far away and now perfected living vicariously, heh-heh.
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I had such a terrific time in Spain that I felt beholden to share as much of the experience as I could…
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Don’t dismiss it so quickly. I thought it was a piece of modern sculpture. Send it to Sotheby’s. You might make a cool million, take up permanent residence in Spain, and treat us all with your observations and digressions. Win, win!
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This sounds like a very admirable plan. I’m assuming that you’ll come visit me at my newly-established writer’s enclave in Competa? All the right people are going to be there… 😉
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