Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #122 (Variations on a Theme)

Original Take.

Despite their best interrogation techniques, the police were unable to get any information from the Banded-Barrel Gang concerning how all this demon liquor was smuggled into the nightclub…


Rewind, Take Two.

Mike Pence, Donald Trump and Sarah Mascara Sanders address a closed-door meeting of Republican Party leaders…


Rewind, Take Three.

Barrel in the lower left: “Why am I the only one with a spigot? Damn it, did I wander into a lesbian bar again?”


Rewind, Take Four.

The latest round of students is processed through the remains of the once-great American public-school system…


Rewind, Take Five.

Scientist #1: “This is our greatest invention!”

Scientist #2: “A huge advancement for medical science! It’s the most effective way to deliver multiple immunizations for diseases that we could have eradicated if some clueless people hadn’t decided that immunizations were stupid.”

Scientist #3: “Um, I’m thinking we made the suppositories a little too big. Who’s going to bend over and take that up the whizzway? Especially the one with a spigot.”

Scientist #1: “People who believe everything they see on the Internet. People who post things on the Internet that no one should ever believe.”

Scientist #2: “Fox News viewers. Voters who hate socialism whilst living on government benefits. Five current members of the Supreme Court.”

Scientist #3: “Got it. Let’s apply for a patent. Hey, we should have a slogan for our new product.”

Scientist #1: “Who’s that knocking at my back door?”

Scientist #2: “This is going to hurt you more than it’s going to hurt me.”

Scientist #3: “Okay, maybe we should work on that part later.”


Rewind, Take Six.

That awkward moment when Theresa May’s staff realized that she might have formed a coalition with the wrong party…


Rewind, Take Seven.

That awkward moment when you show up at a party and immediately realize that nobody here has anything interesting to say and you should have stayed home and binge-watched “Grace and Frankie”…


Rewind, Take Eight.

The Von Trapp Family Singers make a poor decision about their next venue…


Rewind, Take Nine.

Prohibition: Yet another example of Congress bending over for their sponsors and not their constituents. (“Say, is that a bribe in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”)


Rewind, Take Ten.

An unaired episode of “Friends”, wherein Phoebe sings “Smelly Vat”, Monica has an orgasm whilst discovering a new obsessive-compulsive cleaning product, Chandler makes a glaring error concerning the group’s travel itinerary, Joey remains unaware that this is the last time he will be in a series that is actually funny, and Ross and Rachel continue engaging in the longest round of foreplay known to mankind. (“I’ll be there for you. But not until we’re guaranteed syndication…”)


Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 04/03/15. Considerably revised. For some reason, I really felt compelled to work in a Petula Clark song with the Theresa May bit. I don’t know where that was coming from, but I couldn’t get the planets to align. I’m thinking I need to go back to Spain. Cheers.


27 replies »

  1. This looks alarmingly like the stuff I dragged out from under the kitchen and laundry sinks today. If you don’t hear from me again, the methylated spirits and oven cleaner ganged up on me.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Barrel #1: Dude, where’s my spigot?
    Barrel #2: What’s a spigot?
    Barrel #3: What’s a dude?
    Barrel #4: I don’t like dudes.
    Barrel #5: I don’t like spigots.
    Man on the left: I don’t like barrels full of booze.
    Man in the middle: I don’t like barrels.
    Man on the right: I am making myself great again!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Well given that Theresa May admitted that the wildest thing she has ever done was running through a field of wheat which rather upset the farmer, I imagine lingering on the sidewalks where the neon lights are pretty might be a Downtown step far too far for her …. she could of course find herself sleeping in the subway at any moment but for the moment finally learning that she can live without your love, Boris after you dropped your blonde bombshell yesterday is probably giving her another gust of delusional hope. I loved all of this post, but I do have the old Wheat Worrier on my mind today. And Football. Actual football not the thing most people call football here. Allez les bleus 🇫🇷 ⚽️

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s called “soccer” over here sweetie. Football is an oblong pigskin ball that lots of over steriod imbibing men chase around a field, with ample opportunities for ass grabbing and piling on, and orgasms cleverly disguised as sweat. Come to think of it…from what I’ve seen of soccer (which ain’t much granted) isn’t it roughly the same thing? Except the ball is round and checkered?

      Liked by 2 people

      • We call it football because we play it only with feet … what is named football here is the same as the game we call rugby (after the place it was invented when a football player picked up the ball and ran with it – possibly having imbibed from those barrels previous to the match on further consideration!). However, I will grant you that there is little difference between any of the games – they all involve pumped up men with sky high egos and spoiled brat mentalities doing something that is fundamentally entirely useless to mankind!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Osyth: Brilliant Petula May allegory.

      Embeecee: Brilliant sexual allegory with homoerotic flourishes.

      Me: I played 8 seasons of soccer during my formative years. Is it any wonder that I turned out this way?

      Liked by 2 people

  4. A rare photo of police corruption during the Prohibition Era. Those wily men are wondering where they can hide all those barrels (even that weirdo with the spout…isn’t there always ONE in a crowd that has to stand out and be different?) before Carrie Nation and cronies show up with their black clothing and axes…and waste all that boozy goodness. The guy on the far right clearly got a bribe in the form of paper money (which will, in future times, be proven to be worthless. More fool he.) And the father and son duo behind the bar are wondering how many bottles they can stuff in their clothing without clinking too much and giving away the game…

    I loved the repartee between the barrels btw…goes to show how alcohol affects in differing ways… 😉

    Liked by 2 people

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