Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #132

In this still from the film, the director intended to layer the scene with a number of intricate but subtle subtexts about society. (Over-population, climate change, the awkwardness of not realizing you are in a gay bar until you’ve tried flirting with the wrong people, the many cows who gave their lives for the wardrobe.) Sadly, most viewers never made it past the architectural bizarreness of Rita’s coiffure.

Rita: “Stop looking at me like that.”

Beer Bottle: “I’m sorry. I’ve just never seen that much hair in one place. Did they have to lower you in through the skylight?”

Rita: “Not you, you tosser. I mean the bellend at the laptop over there.”

Beer Bottle, turning to me: “Hey, mate. The White Cliff of Dover is talking to you.”

Me, startled, looking up: “I’m just trying to write a story here. And that works a lot better when the characters don’t talk back.”

Rita: “Yeah? Well, I’m just waitin’ on me fish and chips and I don’t need company. So unless you’re deep fryin’ a piece of cod on that laptop, you can bugger off.”

Randy Travis, faded American country singer, wandering in from the right: “Hey, girl. You seem to have a lot of anger management issues and I l know a little bit about that. Would you like me to warble you a song so you can find Jesus again? It worked for me after they found me nekkid and drunk in a Texas parking lot. Always go to Jesus when the po-po show up and you ain’t got no underwear.”

Rita: “If you say one more word I will cut you. Not that you’ll feel it.”

The twins behind Rita stop flirting and join the train wreck. Twin One: “Sweetie, Drunk Randy is right. That hair is screaming about a life of pain and neglect. You can’t keep your emotions bottled up like the bleach you apparently use every day.” Twin Two: “Let it all out, sister. We’re in this together and there is no judgment until we sober up.”

A single tear suddenly slid down Rita’s left cheek, perhaps signaling an emotional epiphany, perhaps merely escaping Hairmageddon.  “Well, it has been a rough ride, and not just for my pillow at night.”

Twin One: “You’re preaching to the choir. Give us the full sermon while I order another round.”

Twin Two: “Just let me know if you need any backing vocals. I’m here to testify.”

Rita: “Okay. Um, it all started when my parents, Paul von Hindenburg and Gustave Eiffel, had a child out of wedlock and…”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 04/08/15. Considerably revised and exaggerated for this post. Yes, I know this one only works if you get the references and you’re just as twisted as me. We’re in this together and there is no judgment…


22 replies »

  1. Sitting on a train chugging through the Lake District and trying to discretely mop up the mouthful of train latte I just spewed while reading this. Really. When will I learn NOT to let anything even vaguely liquid pass my lips whilst reading one of your posts? (I get to say “whilst” because we just crossed border into England. I might even get to say “Cheerio”, but probably shouldn’t push it because people around me are still kind of jumpy after the latte-spewage…)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Here is where I’d insert a hysterically laughing emoticon IF I were so gifted. I’m not so BWAHAHAHHAHA!! You may be pleased to note that there was no spewing of liquid (as with poor Barb up there) because I have learned Crusty Pie doesn’t need a wash down and those damned keyboards are too expensive.

    I had the usual long droning reply all queued up, and thought Nah. I’m gonna give Mr. Brian a break and just post my answer, cleverly disguised as a blog post on my site. Save Mr. Brian some bytes that way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can live without emoticons, but I can’t live without you dropping by and brightening my day with your comments. (Okay, I might still manage to live, but I’m not going to be happy about it.)


  3. But it must be said that Rita really did have The Knack with roadkill hair ….

    On another note, the snort that emitted when I read the closing line referring to Hindenburg and Eiffel’s love child was positively seismic 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was so hoping that last line would click just right, although it was a bit risky. But to be honest, my fave bit is “The White Cliff of Dover”. It’s the small things that really get to me… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Not that I didn’t fully appreciate the Hindenburg/Eiffel line, I think it more likely Rita is heir to the Aqua Net estate. Or at least I hope she is, cause she must go through six cans of it a day.

    Liked by 1 person

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