Henri La Moutarde, the trendy clothing designer, made an error in judgement with his latest line of fashions. People were simply unable to breathe whilst wearing them, assuming they could even get the bondage-gear on in the first place. In this unused shot from the launch of the new line, we can see that one model is already praying that she will survive the shoot and still be able to have children. The other model is unable to even speak so she is weakly waving a photo of an empty dining table to indicate that she didn’t eat for two weeks just to get the zipper closed and she is really, really hungry…
Rewind, Take Two.
Betty, left: “Is that your final answer?”
Nettie, right: “Yes, it was Mrs. Peacock in the dining room with the candlestick.”
Rewind, Take Three.
That pivotal moment when the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills found out that the budget had been slashed for the next season. Drinking ensued, but this did not lead to any of them getting an actual job like real housewives have to do in hills that are not Beverly…
Rewind, Take Four.
The unaired pilot episode of Laverne & Shirley. Things changed when one of the writers came up with the concept of “Boo Boo Kitty”, thus requiring a change in setting from Milan to Milwaukee…
Rewind, Take Five.
Muffy, left: “Mother, I’ve come to a decision.”
Mother, right: “Muffy, we’ve talked about this. Do not address me as your mother in public. I’m your sister when we leave the house.”
Muffy: “Oh, right. Anyway, Sister, I’ve finally decided to have plastic surgery just like you.”
Mother Sister: “Oh, honey, you’re twenty-three years old. It’s far too late to repair the damage. You’ll have to marry beneath you now.”
Rewind, Take Six.
Communications Officer, left: “Captain, I have established a link with the planet below, as requested.”
Captain: “Great. Put me on wide-area broadcast.”
Communications Officer: “Done. Proceed.”
Captain: “Attention people of Ikea. We are sick and tired of your cheap-ass products that fall apart when somebody sneezes. We are initiating an intergalactic trade war and-”
Communications Officer: “Ma’am Sir, the telecom equipment has failed and you are no longer broadcasting.”
Captain: “Don’t tell me. We got this equipment at Ikea.”
Communications Officer: “Yes. Aisle 427, Bin 3.”
Captain: “Damn it.”
Rewind, Take Seven.
Trampetta, left: “I just wanted you to know that I never meant to steal your husband. If I had known that he was married, I wouldn’t have twirled so hard on the stripper pole.”
Suffragetta, right: “But you have destroyed my life. I will be left barren and alone, just like this study of isolationism by Ansel Adams that I found on the coffee table.”
Trampetta: “I really am sorry. It’s just that Alfred and I have an amazing chemistry and I’ve never been happier.”
Suffrageta: “Alfred? My husband’s name is Bert.”
Trampetta: “Oh. Wait, isn’t this apartment 23?”
Suffrageta: “No, you twirling hussy. This is apartment 32.”
Trampetta: “My bad. I’ll just let myself out.”
Rewind, Take Eight.
Pamela, left: “Have you heard about that blogging site called Bonnywood Manor?”
Drusilla, right: “You mean that one where the writer takes old photos like this and then makes up insipid stories to go with them?”
Pamela: “Yes! Aren’t those stories fun?”
Drusilla: “Do you consider a Brazilian wax fun?”
Pamela: “Why would you go there? You sound bitter.”
Drusilla: “I am not bitter. Okay, maybe I am. I once sent him a photo suggestion and he never followed through.”
Pamela: “Oh, the writer has a history of promising things and then never following through. Just like Trump.”
Drusilla: “Who is Trump?”
Pamela: “An old photo with made-up stories.”
Rewind, Take Nine.
This is just a place-holder so we can make this list an even ten entries. Pretend like it was funny and just keep moving.
Rewind, Take Ten.
Buffy, left: “Mother, I’ve come to a decision.”
Mother, right: “Buffy? I thought your name was Muffy.”
Buffy: “That was my name in Take Five. I’m Buffy in this one.”
Mother, sighing: “It’s so hard to keep track of the character names around here. Would it kill the writer to have some degree of consistency with his stories?”
Buffy: “I feel you are invalidating me, and I really don’t appreciate it.”
Mother: “Fine. What’s this magical decision that you’ve plucked out of the ether?”
Buffy: “I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to keep quiet when I encounter inequality of any kind in this country.”
Mother: “And how did you come to this epiphany?”
Buffy: “I just realized that I’m sitting in the same chair and at the same table that you are waving about in that photo you have. But no one is sitting at your table.”
Mother: “I’m not sure that I follow you.”
Buffy: “There should never be an empty chair at any table. We all have the same right to eat from the same plate.”
Mother: “You sound rather invested in this equality thing.”
Buffy: “Welcome to Bonnywood. Please have a seat.”
Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 04/23/15. All entries are new, aside from the original take. Care to join me in this mission? There’s plenty of room at the table…
Categories: Past Imperfect