Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #175 (Variations on a Theme)

Original Take.

Henri La Moutarde, the trendy clothing designer, made an error in judgement with his latest line of fashions. People were simply unable to breathe whilst wearing them, assuming they could even get the bondage-gear on in the first place. In this unused shot from the launch of the new line, we can see that one model is already praying that she will survive the shoot and still be able to have children. The other model is unable to even speak so she is weakly waving a photo of an empty dining table to indicate that she didn’t eat for two weeks just to get the zipper closed and she is really, really hungry…


Rewind, Take Two.

Betty, left: “Is that your final answer?”

Nettie, right: “Yes, it was Mrs. Peacock in the dining room with the candlestick.”


Rewind, Take Three.

That pivotal moment when the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills found out that the budget had been slashed for the next season. Drinking ensued, but this did not lead to any of them getting an actual job like real housewives have to do in hills that are not Beverly…


Rewind, Take Four.

The unaired pilot episode of Laverne & Shirley. Things changed when one of the writers came up with the concept of “Boo Boo Kitty”, thus requiring a change in setting from Milan to Milwaukee…


Rewind, Take Five.

Muffy, left: “Mother, I’ve come to a decision.”

Mother, right: “Muffy, we’ve talked about this. Do not address me as your mother in public. I’m your sister when we leave the house.”

Muffy: “Oh, right. Anyway, Sister, I’ve finally decided to have plastic surgery just like you.”

Mother Sister: “Oh, honey, you’re twenty-three years old. It’s far too late to repair the damage. You’ll have to marry beneath you now.”


Rewind, Take Six.

Communications Officer, left: “Captain, I have established a link with the planet below, as requested.”

Captain: “Great. Put me on wide-area broadcast.”

Communications Officer: “Done. Proceed.”

Captain: “Attention people of Ikea. We are sick and tired of your cheap-ass products that fall apart when somebody sneezes. We are initiating an intergalactic trade war and-”

Communications Officer: “Ma’am Sir, the telecom equipment has failed and you are no longer broadcasting.”

Captain: “Don’t tell me. We got this equipment at Ikea.”

Communications Officer: “Yes. Aisle 427, Bin 3.”

Captain: “Damn it.”


Rewind, Take Seven.

Trampetta, left: “I just wanted you to know that I never meant to steal your husband. If I had known that he was married, I wouldn’t have twirled so hard on the stripper pole.”

Suffragetta, right: “But you have destroyed my life. I will be left barren and alone, just like this study of isolationism by Ansel Adams that I found on the coffee table.”

Trampetta: “I really am sorry. It’s just that Alfred and I have an amazing chemistry and I’ve never been happier.”

Suffrageta: “Alfred? My husband’s name is Bert.”

Trampetta: “Oh. Wait, isn’t this apartment 23?”

Suffrageta: “No, you twirling hussy. This is apartment 32.”

Trampetta: “My bad. I’ll just let myself out.”


Rewind, Take Eight.

Pamela, left: “Have you heard about that blogging site called Bonnywood Manor?”

Drusilla, right: “You mean that one where the writer takes old photos like this and then makes up insipid stories to go with them?”

Pamela: “Yes! Aren’t those stories fun?”

Drusilla: “Do you consider a Brazilian wax fun?”

Pamela: “Why would you go there? You sound bitter.”

Drusilla: “I am not bitter. Okay, maybe I am. I once sent him a photo suggestion and he never followed through.”

Pamela: “Oh, the writer has a history of promising things and then never following through. Just like Trump.”

Drusilla: “Who is Trump?”

Pamela: “An old photo with made-up stories.”


Rewind, Take Nine.

This is just a place-holder so we can make this list an even ten entries. Pretend like it was funny and just keep moving.


Rewind, Take Ten.

Buffy, left: “Mother, I’ve come to a decision.”

Mother, right: “Buffy? I thought your name was Muffy.”

Buffy: “That was my name in Take Five. I’m Buffy in this one.”

Mother, sighing: “It’s so hard to keep track of the character names around here. Would it kill the writer to have some degree of consistency with his stories?”

Buffy: “I feel you are invalidating me, and I really don’t appreciate it.”

Mother: “Fine. What’s this magical decision that you’ve plucked out of the ether?”

Buffy: “I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to keep quiet when I encounter inequality of any kind in this country.”

Mother: “And how did you come to this epiphany?”

Buffy: “I just realized that I’m sitting in the same chair and at the same table that you are waving about in that photo you have. But no one is sitting at your table.”

Mother: “I’m not sure that I follow you.”

Buffy: “There should never be an empty chair at any table. We all have the same right to eat from the same plate.”

Mother: “You sound rather invested in this equality thing.”

Buffy: “Welcome to Bonnywood. Please have a seat.”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 04/23/15. All entries are new, aside from the original take. Care to join me in this mission? There’s plenty of room at the table…


32 replies »

  1. Hope you’ve got lots of chairs – there’s plenty that need sitting in – except the one I am sitting in, of course, (unless htye are handsome and single and want to live in the southie, southest part of southland) – then maybe my chair could seat two.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And the model who is sitting is only pretending to read ,she is actually grasping for air,does she?i can understand her…..felt the same on the beach with that bloody tankini😱

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’d laugh, even belly laugh, but I bought (by accident obviously) that black number on model buffy/muffy/#3/ensign bound to be killed in the first five minutes so they don’t have to pay her anything…and now am waiting impatiently for someone with some shears to come hack me out of the thing.

    Marking it as a size in my particular clothing range (neither of those frocks would actually fit over my knee) was the evil mechanations of the designer Henri, miffed because the original take didn’t stay one-of-a-kind but spawned nine (read ’em NINE) further takes. Henri knows no model worth her salt procreates. The resultant waistline might mean he’d have to spend actual money on more material. And maybe pay a real woman to show them off. Perhaps those sad models pictured above have used the amazing spackle foundation which makes one look remarkably like an old fashioned dummy in the store window (no offense to real live dummies, like that idjit in the formerly white house)..

    Sadly, Henri will die alone and penniless despite his thrifty ways. Because America anyway has embraced the whole BIGGER is the most beautiful line of thinking and Wal*Mart has spies, always looking to steal a design and mass produce it…making it *dare I say* OFF THE RACK! Oh the humanity..!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Reading this comment, I now realize that you have a much better grasp on Americanism than I. Which means that you must immediately run for public office. Now, I know this sounds daunting, because neither of us relishes being nice to insipid people, but just think of the grand glory that you can inspire in the masses of people who are sick of being spoon-fed what they should and should not do. You can make America great again!

      Damn it, I just ruined it all with that last sentence. Sometimes I have an unregulated filter, at least according to my urologist. Perhaps someday I will learn to batten down the hatches, just like the anemic models in this photo shoot. No promises, though…

      Liked by 1 person

      • My mother would be so proud (she’s dead btw), but my siblings? Would disavow any familial connection, unless there was a lot of money being thrown around. What am I saying? OF COURSE there’d be money being thrown around…Money is the new (it’s also the old..) standard of ‘damn (s)he done well! And unless i migrate somewhere else, I’d never even be nominated. See I’m ‘purple’ (not blue, not red) and the fashion conscious unawares in this here state don’t cotton to purple people being elected to anything. ‘Sides of which I’m a FEMALE and all I’m good for (and failed at) is having kids and raisin’ them in the RIGHT (read LEFT) way. The mayor of Salt Lake City is a woman, and she’s a lesbian, which has caused certain people to believe that the end of times is upon us and Salt Lake becoming as Sodom and Gomorrah (sp?) is coming true. Thanks for the thought, but as you can tell, it wouldn’t fly. Not here. Still. Hmmmmm. Might be worth a think…I was approached recently to help a possible lobbyist who wants to take on Health Insurance and Big Pharm. And I always did like a pointless cause…. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • Dang it, WordPress strikes again. I composed a lovely response, complete with a song reference, only to find, hours later, that it has vanished. This is why some people snap and do incredibly vindictive things to other members of society.

          But this lobbyist thing? Very intriguing. If you can make even the tiniest impact…


    • Brilliant wordplay. But I must say that I had the chance to interview Henri, somewhat against his wishes, and he happened to vaguely reference a certain incident in Capri. Care to share what actually happened that led to one of you going topless during the local Condiment Ceremony?

      Liked by 1 person

    • Interestingly enough, that was always my issue as well, the damn room wherein malfeasance was wrought. Of course, there’s also the fact that most of my family members would blatantly lie about things just to inhibit my tendency toward world domination, at least in the realm of board games….

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Ah yes that … I was wearing a thrilling almost-there number from his Hautest of the Haute Privately Private Couture Collection (I call it the HP Saucy range) with décolleté très très plongeante and it turns out that a slick of mustard polenta simply isn’t as reliable as tit tape for securing the boulders. Of course one effected insouciance and I believe it worked 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, now that you’ve provided more details, I think I remember reading about this in the society pages. (The “HP Saucy range” struck a particular bell.) I spoke to Begonia Beaversmith some time after the incident, and she confirmed that you did indeed carry off the mishap recovery with grace and elan and just the tiniest whiff of pungent cornmeal…

      Liked by 1 person

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