The lovely Claudette posted a piece about creating your own words, which reminded me of this bit of wrongness tucked in the archives. Enjoy.
The concept of opening the refrigerator and staring forlornly at the contents, unable to make a decision about what it is that you want to shove into your mouth. You know you want something, voices are speaking to you, calling your name, but the language is unclear and not very helpful. You stare at the sadly unchanging stuff-I-don’t-want until your eyes crust over.
Example Usage: “I was in a frigi-daze and then the stupid thing started beepin’ and Momma smacked me on the head.”
The condition that occurs when the stack of unpaid bills on your desk actually start to disintegrate from lack of attention, with some requests for payment hanging around so long that you give them pet names. Side effects include cut-off notices, rude automated phone calls from people in India, and snooty waiters waltzing back to your table and demanding another form of payment in a very loud voice while the cream gravy congeals on your half-eaten chicken-fried steak.
Example Usage: “I got me so much bill-rot right now that the city sent out an inspector and he fined my butt. Now I’m broker than ever. Guess I won’t be goin’ to the tractor pull over to Sludgeville. Hurts my heart, that does, cuz you get a free corny dog if you buy a ticket for both nights.”
The erratic and awkward dance step one performs when sashaying down the hallway in the middle of the night and suddenly stomping on a cat’s hairball in your bare feet. Possible screaming and general repulsion ensues.
Example Usage: “I just wanted me another quick bite of Sally Mae’s potato chip casserole, and next thing you know I’m splooge-hoppin’ for Jesus. Whacked my head on the wall, I did. Damn cat just sat there and looked at me.”
4. Beer-Muda Triangle
The mysterious and unexplained disappearance of beers that should have still been in the refrigerator, despite careful planning and published regulatory procedures on who gets to touch what. Side effects include harsh accusations, abrupt changes in evening agendas, and spontaneous weeping.
Example Usage: “I still had me a good two hours left of the Shark Week marathon when I opened the fridge and every dang beer done got sucked up in the Beer-Muda Triangle. Now, I know I paced myself just right, wasn’t my doin’, so I’m blamin’ that simple cousin that Verlene brought over ‘cause she’s doin’ some Christian thing with the church where you’re sposed to reach out and touch the unwashed. Why she gotta do the Lord’s work in my house? And why can’t the unwashed bring their own beer?”
The unfortunate condition of experiencing militant gas bubbles at very inopportune times. Side effects include the sudden need to walk very slowly despite the bulls at Pamplona having just been unleashed, the reluctance to join any nearby limbo contests regardless of the rabid encouragement of your drinking buddies, and the realization that hitting a speed bump while in a car with your boss could totally change your career.
Example Usage: “Lula Belle, I could not believe it, we were at the funeral and just tryin’ to get Aunt Cornpone in the ground and be done with it, but right when Pastor Buckshot handed me a clod of dirt to chuck at Cornie’s casket, the gastrocity hit me like I just had a bowl of chili at Buford’s Grunt and Run Diner. I didn’t dare do an overhand throw or there might have been some back-firin’, so I just dropped the clod on the ground and nudged it in with my foot. I’m sure Cornie understood, bless her heart, cuz she had butane issues of her own. She’s the reason why my chicken coop leans like it does.”
The odd, unidentified items that are rolling around in your car, making you wonder what in the hell that might be, but not causing you enough consternation to actually do something about it, because you have places to be and buffets to eat.
Example Usage: “All I was doin’ was headin’ to the Piggly Wiggly, ‘cause they had them a sale on turnip greens, when all the sudden some roll-clanker got caught up under my brake pedal and I couldn’t stop and next thing I know I’m crashin’ through the front window of the Dairy Queen. Ended up with soft-serve ice cream in my hair, and you know how much money I just spent at the Snip and Twirl so I could look like Reese Witherspoon. Made me right mad.”
7. Crow-Bar Action
A down-low term referring to a man or a woman who pursues intimate relations with someone who hasn’t been taken for a test drive in quite some time.
Example Usage: “I swear, I don’t know what’s got into Billy Ray Junior, runnin’ off and doin’ the crow-bar action with those dried-out sisters at Our Lady of Cobwebs church. Ain’t right.”
The slightly-manipulated situation wherein you receive a call on your cell phone, grimace at the name, don’t care to answer it, and “accidentally” hit ignore or even delete the evidence of the communication attempt.
Example Usage: “What’s that, Beatrice? You tried to call me last night so I could come over for the Daughters of Pentecostal Power Potluck? Well, shoot, my phone didn’t make a peep. Must have been cell-you-loss buildup on your end. Yes, that’s a real thing, Bea. Why would I make that up? Sounds like you need to get to a doctor and have that sucked out right away. Let me put you on hold while I get the number.” Click.
9. Post-Nightal Drip
A catch-all term that applies to anything you post on social media after you should have stopped drinking and gone to bed.
Example Usage: “Could you run that by me again, Etsy Mae? You didn’t care for me saying you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch? Oh, honey, don’t mind that. It was just some post-nightal drip. I’m taking some pills now that should dry me up. Mmm hmmm. Didn’t mean a thing. Love ya bunches. Kiss, kiss.”
The creation of phrases and terms that can be twisted around to make something humorous out of nothing.
Example Usage: This post.
Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 10/11/11 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 06/23/17. (Yes, I realize the last post was only a year ago, convicting me of premature double-dipping, but these things happen.) Revised and updated with extra flair for this post. (The previous sentence is a lie, as no changes were made to the main content for this current post, but I’m too lazy to fully rewrite this footnote.) No corny dogs were harmed in the making of this post, even though they had a lot of them left over at the tractor pull over to Sludgeville.
Bit of whimsy: I realize that some of you long-time readers are often gracious enough to make new comments on re-postings when you’ve already said your piece on the original, so I’m offering a new commentary option: If you feel so moved, simply type “I know what you did last summer”, which I will just as graciously take as “I already commented on this thing, mere days ago, and it’s beneath both of us for you to expect me to come up with something original once again”. Most of you won’t, but a few of you will, and it will entertain me immensely…
Categories: 10 Reasons Why