10 Reasons Why

10 Reasons Why Taking A Shower Is Just Like Real Life

1. Some like it hot.

These folks reach in, turn the hot-water tap to ultra-gusher, completely ignore the cold-water tap, and then leave the settings like this for the entire three-hour tour. Now, I generally like to wash away my sins as well as anyone, but I really don’t need to see my flesh swirling down the drain.

2. Some people have focus issues.

Why are you turning on the shower and then wandering off to fold socks or read a book? Get your ass back in there and start scrubbing. There are other people, like me, who are waiting for you to finish whatever transcendental journey you are on so I can also get last-night’s smell of beer and regret out of my hair.

3. Some people just don’t understand science.

Here’s how it works: If you let the shower run forever like that before you ever hop in, of course the hot water is going to run out before you get everything squeaky and sterilized. Stop being surprised by the sudden rush of cold water that makes some things more pointy and other things more emasculating.

4. Some people are inconsiderate and hateful.

Speaking of water temperature, if you live in a dwelling with plumbing that has satanic qualities, where the mere flushing of the toilet can cause massive and painful fluctuations of the water temperature for innocent people in the shower, then stop flushing the toilet when people are in the shower. It’s very simple. If you hear water running anywhere in the house when the recycling urge hits you, then you need to just hold it or go to the gas station down the street.

5. Some people do unexplainable things when they are unsupervised.

Why did you leave the hand-held shower head hanging like that? What were you doing with it in that position, all crotch-level and all? Actually, don’t tell me. Just put the damn thing back in the landing pad at head-level like a normal person before you exit the apparent Echo Chamber of Sudsy Self Love.

6. Some people can’t put things back where they found them, part two.

See that little soap holder on the wall? Why is there nothing in it? Why is the missing soap lying on the floor, shoved into a corner? Is it in time-out? What did it do to you? What did you do to it? Again, never mind. I’ll just get a new bar of soap.

7. Some people believe in a Shampoo Fairy.

You know the shampoo bottle is empty, because you’re the one that just used the last of it. Don’t plunk it back down and act like you have no idea what happened. Did you expect us to believe that someone broke into the house and stole just the liquids? Fetch a fresh bottle before you go off and get dirty again.

8. Some people have one-night stands.

These are the folks who can’t wait to try out a new product, use it once, then completely abandon it and never think of it again. This is how you end up with 47 bottles of body gel lined up on the shower floor, a little army of sanitation soldiers, mutely staring at your nakedness and yearning for you to call them back after your brief night of love.

9. Some people have annoying and suspect phobias.

There is absolutely no reason why you can’t reuse the same towel that you used yesterday. Your body is theoretically clean when you step out of the shower, assuming that you’ve done things correctly. Ergo, the towel should be relatively clean as well for a good many days, and it should not be dripping with whatever it is you imagine to be on there. (Unless there’s something you and your sex life are not telling us.) Quit pulling out a fresh towel every time you get wet. We don’t need to do the laundry every three days.

And once you’re done with that towel? Don’t throw the thing on the floor and expect small servants to rush forth and tidy up. Don’t leave it dangling on the doorknob, because it’s just going to fall off, and we still don’t have those servants. And do NOT hang the towel crookedly on the little drying rod where it normally lives. Make the ends match, people. It shouldn’t look like you were ravaged by a rhino during the two steps from the shower to the towel bar.

10. Some people just can’t see what is right in front of them.

Especially when the mirror is fogged over because you took a three-hour shower using scalding hot water. Yet you’re going to whine when you try to wipe away the condensation and it immediately fogs up again. Here’s a tip: Stop trying to manipulate the climate zones of the planet with your overheated, narcissistic indulgence in the porcelain Sluice Shack. Nobody needs that much humidity in their lives. We now have mold growing on the light fixture, the roll of toilet paper has been reduced to a soggy mass that looks like Donald Trump after a late night at Hooters, and Unnatural Disaster Recovery helicopters are circling the area, searching for survivors.

There are better ways to cleanse your soul. Let’s find one of them, shall we?

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 04/10/12. Revised and updated with extra soggy flair for this post.

 

36 replies »

  1. Hahaha. 🙂 I absolutely don’t get why people do the second one. Turning on the shower and yes, then wandering off to discuss the meaning of life up on Mount Guru. But don’t forget the cleaning of the sacred porcelain Sluice Shack. Most people would rather work as Trump’s official ass wiper than clean the shower. It gets left to people like me who can’t stand it when that discarded soap bar in the corner starts to turn to sludge and mingles with all the other effluence essence in a soupy stew. Take your turn cleaning the shower!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I often have brilliant ideas in the shower which then desert me as I rummage through the 47 bottles of shower gel in the corner trying to find the one that smells of mango and coconut :O) With you on the towel thing though – they don’t get grubby after one use and if the edges don’t match the world will surely end. Another awesome post Brian xx

    Liked by 2 people

      • Unfortunately I have more of a ‘you never know’ mentality with beauty products. They only get thrown out when I have a yearning to try them again and realise they’ve formed a solid crust at the bottom of the bottle 😜

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Bahaha! I love the Empty Bottle scenario, the one where robbers break into your house and steal only the shampoo/conditioner, and most of the milk in the carton.

    It reminds me of a first-world problem I had at an office where I worked. In the washroom, there was a really tricky paper towel dispenser to unload and reload. It was not my job to unload/reload the paper towel, but if I had a nickel for each time I went into the washroom and the dispenser had run out…! I can’t claim to be an expert in anything, but just watch me handle a roll of paper towel. If it was an Olympic event, I could be a contender.

    Liked by 2 people

    • This is part of what makes blogging so fun, getting to learn about the amazing talents and dexterity of fellow writers. The next time the Office Olympics World Cup is on, I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for you in the Paper Towel events…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. No. 9 is word-perfectly the reason why I am skipping around like a spring lamb having finally bid an emotional farewell to my stepson who felt it appropriate to come and stay with us in this house for the first three months of my tenure as a legal alien resident of the USA just for the laughs. I love him. Of course I do. But the towels. Oh boy, I will not miss where my mind kept going on account of those towels. The step-relationship, particularly when it has begun when the ‘child’ was 26 years old, is a thorny one. Who knew towels could make a situation thornier …..

    Liked by 4 people

    • Wait, Stepson got to visit you for three months and poke fun at the things you might or might not do? This sounds like an extraordinary opportunity. I fear I’m a bit jealous. That aside, I trust that you and the violated towels are seeking appropriate recovery therapy…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have been brittle, ’tis true but the recovery was instant and replenishing. Which reminds me I must replenish the cellar before disaster strikes and we are out of fermented grape juice 😉

        The towels have been deposited in black bags where they too are possibly fermenting. I have limits on what I can touch with my innocent hands, you will understand …..

        Liked by 2 people

  5. The bathroom is a source of contention in many households, however you have missed one vital point I feel – or one in my household at any rate.
    Once or twice I have combed my hair and then left a small hairball, that I pulled out of the comb, on the benchtop vanity. Oh, the sheer horror for my adult child when they saw it.
    So, never mind that I have had to clean up after said child in many disgusting ways as they grew, the helpless gray hairball is apparently the pinnacle of disturbingness in my bathroom.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, I did gloss over the reactionary possibilities of unexpected hair found in the sanitation stations of households. In your instance, I feel things might be much ado about nothing. (After all, at least you left your hairball in a discreet manner, rather than leaving a wet mess in the hallway for me to stomp on in the middle of the night. Perhaps adult child should reconsider the outrage.) On the flip side, I have several relatives who sport copious glowing locks, massive amounts of hair, some of which they leave percolating above the shower drain without attending to such. This is a gift that should not keep on giving…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I cannot believe there is one of these that I haven’t responded to. But apparently here it is. #2 happens in my house because if one turns on the shower and immediately steps in? Those things tastefully referred to (as in making things pointy and/or shrunk to the size of … oh never mind) will occur. Because the water gushing (ha ha ha…I live in Lime Deposits CITY up in here and whereas the shower once gushed, it now sort of dribbles because all the little holes are full of lime deposits and my maid is a slothful woman, who is too short to reach the nozzle head. I digress)…anyway what water makes it out whatever holes are left is from the Icy Steppes of Siberia and fresh off a glacier (one of the ones left), and will make me reach soprano notes I haven’t been able to hit since I grew breasts. So I wander around, scaring Huny because really who wants to look at a 58 year old naked unless it’s other 58 year olds…and although I’m 58, I don’t want to look at other 58 year olds naked. Ew. I wander about (kind of like I’m doing with this comment) and wait for the water to warm up a bit. ‘Course the temperature has no middle ground, it’s either Icy Steppes or Burning Lake of Fire From Hell. So I have to test it a few times and adjust things. Thanks for the unexpected treasure I found today. Love ya lots in a purely platonic and sisterly kind of way… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, this is a good point. There was a time when it DID take the shower many eons to warm up in this house, and it was understandable that one would kick the thing off and then finish an email or some such. (We have since rectified the situation by installing a tank-less water heater. The water now gets hot in 3.7 seconds.) But #2 is really meant for the folks (usually those who don’t pay the water bill) who initiate the proceedings and then apparently forget that they have done so, with steam billowing throughout the house whilst people in other countries are hoping they can get enough water out of the spigot to make a pot of coffee…

      Love ya back, platonic, sisterly… 😉

      Like

      • I’m miffed at my builder for not suggesting that tank-less thing, what with them being all conservation minded and such. My washer and dryer are the worst damned appliances I’ve ever owned because they’re energy and water EFFICIENT. Yeah yeah. Efficient in doling out water and heat, and having to rewarsh clothing because it’s not clean to one’s standards uses more of both, wouldn’t you think? I digress..just that whole mess bugs me. STILL. Was the tankless option available in 2013? If so, maybe the builders were just trying to get this place done before their gonads froze off and no more children were therefore available to them, no matter how hard (*snicker*) their wives primed their pumps… It WAS a cold and snowy time…

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so glad to hear that I’m not alone in having a Hanging of the Towels Manifesto. Honestly, how hard is it to match the ends? The mind reels! I think we should create a detention room for any house guests who fail to meet this obvious requirement. What say you?

    Liked by 2 people

  8. OK, so all of this is socially relevant, even crucial to co-existence/habitation. I am partial to #6. Anyone visiting the “Sluice Shack” in my little villa knows this because of the plaque on the wall that reads: Changing the toilet paper roll will NOT cause brain damage.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course, changing the role calls in the question of whether said paper should unroll from the top or the bottom. I’m a topper, but there is a deep schism concerning this matter in our family, and harsh words have spoken at family gatherings…

      Liked by 1 person

  9. True followers of water closet etiquette know that it must go from the top down. That you have knowledge of this cosmic truth shows your superior intellect….Uh, you can tell I’ve been writing epic fantasy all day. All this needs is to cram a dragon and a sword somewhere in the narrative.

    Liked by 1 person

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