Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #299

Note: For this one to work, you should be aware that Mary Fallin is currently the governor of Oklahoma, and she graduated with honors from the Trump University School of Cultural Demonization and Delusional Hypocrisy. Rachel Maddow is the host of a news program on MSNBC…


As little Rachel Maddow walked into the room, it became immediately clear that one of the urchin party guests had done something that they shouldn’t have. Based on the social behavior of those at the table, Rachel instantly realized that little Mary Fallin, seated on her mini-throne, was to blame.

Rachel: “Mary, is there something that I need to know?”

Mary: “I have sealed all court records. You can’t prove anything.”

Rachel: “Now, Mary, you know that Congress has passed laws which you must follow.”

Mary: “If I don’t like the rules, I just ignore them or make new rules.”

Rachel: “That’s not how it works, Mary. Have you ever read the Constitution? The Bill of Rights?”

Mary: “I don’t have to read anything. My preacher, um, I mean my campaign advisor tells me everything I need to know. And as long as I hold a never-opened Bible, then everything I say makes me right.”

Rachel: “But this is America, little Mary Failing. Your religion has nothing to do with the laws of this country.”

Mary: “No, this is Oklahoma, little Rachel Lesbian. We don’t have to follow any rules that we don’t like because Jesus is on my side. And He wrote the Constitution.”

Rachel: “That thing you never read?”

Mary: “This is religious persecution! Everybody, please send donations to my campaign so I can fight the evil-doers!”

Rachel: “No, this is a birthday tea party. Perhaps I should ask your little friends what they think about the things you have done.”

Mary: “They’re not going to say anything. They know I can have their careers sealed just like the records of my indiscretions and all those things that won’t look good in a non-Christian court. Besides, they’re not my friends.”

Rachel: “Oh? Then why are they at your birthday party?”

Mary: “They will eventually be in my cabinet when I get elected Governor. I’m training them to shut up and do what I say.”

Rachel: “Wow. That seems a little extreme, since most of you are barely out of your diapers.”

Mary: “And that’s what you fascist liberals don’t understand about Oklahoma. We get ‘em young, we pound the party line into their heads, and we give them no options.”

Rachel: “So that explains why the teacher salaries in this state are almost the lowest in the nation.”

Mary: “Teachers? What are those? Did you mean preachers?”

Rachel: “And I think I’m done here. We’re not going to have a Helen Keller moment.”

Mary: “Good. Leave. Now I can have the future Secretary of Agriculture fumigate this room to get rid of your liberal smell.”

Rachel: “But I do have one final question.”

Mary: “Marriage equality? Hell no.”

Rachel: “Who are those people on the patio?”

Mary: “Oh. Those are just the voters who will blindly pick a name with an ‘R’ beside it. I don’t actually let them in the house, so they don’t find any of the reports about the damage that I am actually doing to this state.”

Rachel: “Trump must be so proud of you.”

Mary, suddenly beaming: “Do you really think so? Maybe I can be on his Cabinet! Just like my good friend Scott Pruitt. He’s the head of the Environmental Protection Agency.”

Rachel: “You mean the agency he hated until he was hired by Trump to destroy it?”

Mary: “Yes, that Scott. He’s such a sweetie. He used to be my Attorney General and we fought against the gays and the Obama and the gays and the healthcare and the gays and the education and the gays and the Muslims. And the educated gay Muslims. Such good times.”

Rachel: “Uh huh. Well, let me break it down for you, Little Mary Moonshine. Scott was not a member of the Cabinet because the EPA is not part of the Cabinet. And your bigoted little friend had to resign because he was shooting scandals out his ass, although I’m surprised anyone noticed considering all the ass noise coming out of the Trump Administration.”

Mary: “Resigned? That can’t be true.”

Rachel: “Don’t you watch the news?”

Mary, waving a self-righteous hand that smells like Mean Spirit: “Oh, I don’t watch that fake crap.”

Rachel: “That’s too bad. Because I’d sure like to see your face the morning after the mid-term elections in November.”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 09/09/15. Slightly modified and extended for this post. Just last month, Miserable Mary topped the list of a national poll on the ten worst governors in America (source). Luckily, Oklahoma has term limits and Mary will be out of a job after this year. Still, the fact that Complete-Failure Mary was re-elected to a second term just because she’s got that “R” beside her name speaks volumes about the state of affairs in Oklahoma. I try to be proud of my home state, and there are some wonderful people living there, but they are outnumbered by the fools who wear t-shirts emblazoned with “I’d Rather Be A Russian Than Democrat”.

Sorry for the footnote politics. I promise to be more funny tomorrow. Maybe. I just get so incensed at willful ignorance…


4 replies »

  1. Oh Brian. That person is absolutely batshit. So sorry that you have to put up with these complete and utter douche nozzles. The longer you have to suffer that tangerine-tinted megalomaniac, the more the crazies will run around with quiddich brooms between their legs, fleeing the gay Muslim dragons from Mexico. I hope it’s over soon. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sadly, there are millions of Marys right now in this country. Trump has provoked them to the point that they are running about, frothing at the mouth in their vindictive glee. This will pass, because most people are fundamentally decent, but it’s a pain in the ass right now…

      Liked by 1 person

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