The crime scene investigator was extremely puzzled as he reviewed this image captured by a security camera. At first glance, it did appear that the woman dancing on the desk was probably responsible for the corpse currently in the county morgue, and the primitive but heavy cast on her leg was most likely the source of the blunt-force trauma on said corpse.
But as he zoomed in on the odd sign in the background, his instincts went on full alert. “Do not remove newspapers from this room.” Who would make such a sign? Why were the newspapers so important? What was up with the water cooler in the corner that appeared to have radioactive plutonium floating in it? Clearly, there was more going on here than a drunken chorus girl attempting to high-kick her way to a better life. The investigator needed more information. He picked up the phone and called Oprah.
Oprah: “This better be good. The Chinese take-out just arrived and I need me an egg roll.”
Investigator: “What do you know about Mitzi Gaynor possibly killing someone with her foot?”
Oprah gasped, and then recovered. “I don’t know anything. Unless there’s plutonium in the water cooler.”
Investigator: “There’s plutonium.”
Oprah gasped again, because it was kind of fun to do that. “Meet me at the secret place in one hour. Make sure no one is following you. And if I’m wearing a red dress, it means we’ve been made and you need to run.”
Investigator: “Got it.”
Oprah: “And whatever you do, don’t take any of the newspapers!”
The line went dead.
Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 12/11/15 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 05/05/16. No changes made. Well, except for the following questionable prize for those who keep scrolling…
One hour later, at the secret place, a greasy table in a seedy diner in South Chicago…
Investigator: “But you’re not Oprah.”
Gayle: “There was an incident with an egg roll and Oprah is momentarily unavailable for this booking. So she sent me instead.”
Investigator: “Hmm. That makes me a little nervous. But at least you’re not wearing the red dress.”
Gayle: “But I am wearing the red dress. Wait, maybe I’m not. I have a wee bit of an issue with color-blindness. I left that off my resumé when I was cast as Oprah’s best friend.”
Investigator: “So we have been compromised. What do we do now?”
Gayle: “We talk very fast. That security photo you have? Mitzi is leading with her right foot, but the coroner’s report indicates that the killer was a left-footed heifer.”
Investigator: “Don’t you mean hoofer?”
Gayle: “No, I mean heifer. The killer is Elsie the Cow. The notorious Bovine Gang does not play nice, and we are in terrible danger, even if I can’t see that danger coming in full technicolor.”
Investigator: “Then why are still sitting here? We’ve got to blow this joint and run for our lives.”
Gayle: “Agreed. But before we go…”
Gayle: “Can you pick up the tab? I’m money-blind as well and I grabbed an extra egg roll instead of my purse.”
Categories: Past Imperfect