Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #508

Lady on the Left: “I don’t think I’m adequately prepared for what is about to happen in this short story.”

Lady in the Middle: “You’re going to go there already? Give the writer a chance. He’s just trying to make a living like all the rest of us.”

Lady on the Right: “Oh, please. Like any of us have actual jobs. We’re sitting on a beach in the middle of the day and we have absolutely no responsibilities whatsoever. We don’t know hardship from a hole in the sand.”

Left Lady: “I don’t really appreciate you discounting my opinion. Just because I have never contributed anything to society, it doesn’t mean that I can’t call it like it is. The writer is making up random dialogue that none of us would every actually say, all in the hopes of coming up with something clever so people he doesn’t really know will click ‘like’ on this post.”

Middle Lady: “You’re just bitter because your hat is clearly the ugliest of the three. There’s no need for you to get vindictive towards others instead of accepting the fact that you’ve made some poor life choices.”

Right Lady: “Wait, let’s not base this all on hat selection. I might have erred myself. Every time the wind blows, the propellers on my noggin kick into gear and I end up on the next beach and my drink gets spilled.”

Left Lady: “That’s exactly what I mean. The writer is obviously making crap up until he can sledge-hammer the dialogue toward a point that he doesn’t yet have.”

Middle Lady: “Have you never read this blog before?”

Right Lady: “Have you never listened to a politician make a speech?”

Lady in front of The Three who looks like she might be channeling Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen: “What is wrong with you people? Have you seriously not noticed the woman behind you who is in desperate need of medical attention?”

Left Lady: “I didn’t tell her to drink all that tequila. She should have made better choices.”

Middle Lady: “It just now occurred to me that none of us are wearing outfits that could possibly cover our breasts, so I’m at a loss as to what I should or should not be doing and I’m going to pretend that other people are responsible for where I am now.”

Right Lady: “All I know is that she’s blocking some of the wind and I haven’t been airborne since she passed out behind us. I’ve always depended on taking advantage of the unfortunate in order to further my own agenda.”

Seagull flying overhead: “And that, boys and girls, is how idiots you never thought could get elected somehow get elected. People don’t pay attention to what other people are doing. The mismanagement of boobs can lead to social anarchy faster than I can snatch some of the food out of the drunk lady’s hat.”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 04/03/17. Slight changes made, although I purposely did not address the unknown hat-bearer in the extreme lower left. This will allow you to make the story your own, should you feel the need to insert additional dialogue. And for the record, that’s not me in the food hat. Although I do have one that I wear on special occasions…


22 replies »

  1. I look ridiculous in a hat, but I own one similar to right lady’s. As for the unidentified hat-wearer in the lower left. I think that might be the hat box. It should complain bitterly about the job it has to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve never looked fetching in a hat, either, but I have a TON of ball caps, courtesy of working 30 years at Verizon. Rather than reward us with monetary recognition for a job well done, we would get ball caps and a mispronunciations of our last names at fake awards ceremonies…

      That COULD be hat box in the lower left, but would any of these chapeaus actually FIT in that box. Hmm…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “Every time the wind blows, the propellers on my noggin kick into gear and I end up on the next beach and my drink gets spilled.” Brilliant! That made me laugh out loud Brian :O)
    I have to ask, are you a hat person? xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. If that is a lady in the hatbox in the lower left then I imagine she’s quite quiet due to the lack of body and head being closed in a beach on a warm day and all. Unless she’s speaking with her aroma which has been known to happen now and again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In my personal view, that hat on the right is the f-ugliest (sorry Peggy). Who could stand scratchy pseudo palm fronds dancing on one’s pate? Makes me itch just to view, although that might honestly be the rather out of date cream cheese I spread on a chocolate chip bagel. Expired dairy products can produce hives..

    The hat on the left should get special mention and attention, because it features prominently in several Poirot (tm implied) episodes where in the wearer is murdered. Good reason not to wear a hat in my opinion, some misguided idiot is always bumping one off…

    And what’s this food hat everyone is yammering on about? I do not see any hats bearing garnish (if I squint, that prostrated woman perhaps has a dollop of cottage cheese, with a cutesy green olive for garnish on HER hat. Is that the food hat? If so, the seagull left her a little prezzie of it’s own, on that possibly dead woman’s posterior. Or it’s an immodest hole in her bathing costume.

    The woman in the middle is not wearing any top IMHO, there are tan lines which nullify Claudette’s remark about halter tops. That one is going bare. Which is unfortunate, because as any woman knows…sand in one’s dangly bits (even if they don’t dangle. Yet.) is a *itch.

    The only sensible one in our five-some is the one in the Katharine Hepburn knock-off..that fringe mostly hides her face, and if one is appearing in such a photo, where possible corpses, hat boxes or hampers, and people with possible gull poop on their derrieres are featured, I’d want to hide my face too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay, let’s see if I can cover all the bases here.

      First, what in the hell are you doing shoving expired dairy in your pie hole? We’ve talked about this. Stop it.

      You are so right with the Poirot reference. Everyone should stop wearing hats immediately. This will completely devastate the Royal Family in England, as they insist on wearing ludicrously-large coverings at all social functions, but it’s a small price to pay to stop the carnage.

      Okay, fine. I made up the mess about a food hat. I know the trappings on the hat of the prone woman are really flowers, but it didn’t fit with my allegory about the seagull. So I changed it. I’m naughty that way.

      You are correct about the topless aspect. These women are quite fond of freedom.

      And yes, the Katharine Tribute Woman is the most properly attired for what can transpire at Bonnywood…


  5. Husband and I just returned from a long vacation, during which I tried to avoid most of the news. I’ve been trying to catch up the last couple of days, and now I regret it. Now there’s the Kavanaugh crap along with all the other Trump disasters. It only gets worse, and still it’s allowed to go on.

    Great post, btw. It made me laugh and I needed that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do envy your break from the news, and I’m sure it’s been painful reentering the madness. Kavanaugh’s confirmation could throw the Supreme Court so far to the right that we may not recover during our lifetimes. It’s pathetic, but we still have to fight the good fight as long as we can.

      By the way, I seem to have fallen miserably behind with my perusing of the lovely pieces on your site. I’m trying to catch up, but mea culpa in the mean time…


  6. You have a food hat? Is this a hat you wear while eating food, or a hat you eat while cooking food?
    Side note: I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was tequila that downed the poor woman, but now I don’t know if I was being clever or if I remembered this post from the last time. 😐

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course I have a food hat. They told me I should always have one at the finishing school that I obviously never attended.

      Tequila most likely felled the damsel, as it’s a go-to point of indiscretion, but you might be confusing this mess with that other mess about the beach I never frequented.

      The above PSA has been brought to you by the illustrious school of “Deny Everything and Hope You Get Re-Elected”…

      Liked by 1 person

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