Errol Flynn, far left: “I have no idea what’s going on right now. This might have something to do with the fact that I’ve been drinking since last Tuesday. It’s entirely possible that I owe somebody somewhere a lot of money for a stunning bar tab, but that’s the least of my worries. I’m more concerned about why anyone would think it wise to cut into that giant burrito on the coffee table.”
Nora Eddington, near left: “I realize that I’m a low-grade actress whose best screen credit is that I managed to marry Errol Flynn. But I’m not as dumb as some people think I am, despite the fact that I allowed the stylist on this shoot to tie up my hair with a leftover flour sack. I was savvy enough to tip the cook with some of Errol’s beer money so the cook would slip a live piranha into Rita’s birthday cake. If Rita is out of the picture, the rest of us move up the food chain. That’s how Hollywood works.”
Rita Hayworth, near right: “I don’t like anybody in this scene. And this birthday cake is the ugliest thing I’ve seen since I walked in on Joan Crawford getting a Brazilian Wax on the set of Where the Red Burn Grows. Still, I’m better than Trampy Nora at knowing how Hollywood works, which is why I used Orson’s beer money to double-tip the cook so the piranha would not end up in this cake and could continue its career as a movie producer. The best advice I ever got was to make sure that you have a plan. The second-best advice? Make sure you’re the one holding a knife if you don’t have a plan.”
Orson Welles, far right: “I once made a movie called Citizen Kane. Praise me. Say, why does that burrito cake smell like fish bait? I should probably stop Rita before she cuts into it. On the other hand, the cameras are already rolling, and a good director, like me, the man who made Citizen Kane, knows that you should always keep the cameras rolling and hope that something interesting happens and then you can pretend that you scripted it that way. This is how you win awards.”
Odd centerpiece that has been rudely shoved to the side of the coffee table: “There’s so much narcissism in this room that I’m surprised the Earth hasn’t shifted on its axis.”
Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 02/02/17. Modified slightly for this post. For the record, I have never had a Brazilian Wax, although there was a long-ago incident involving a bottle of Nair, a situation that I may or may not share in a future post. At least Rita Hayworth didn’t show up during the confusion. Not that I recall, anyway…
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
I have so much trouble reading your posts as I tend to be dying from laughter just from the first line/s.
(OH my gosh…same about Brazilian, and same with Nair lol…Nair is of the devil 😁😈🚫)
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First lines are critical. If you can get them giggling right off the bat, then the rest of the lines will seem funnier than they really are… 😉
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I don’t know Brian… on re reads, it’s all funny 😁
It’s lovely you’re so modest 🙀
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Hahaha. 😀 Great post. I think the centrepiece is a dead spider plant. Orson sucked up all the oxygen in the room. And I think they’re supposed to be socialising, not working. That giant Cornish pastie says Rita on it. But then again, how did these people know the difference?
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That very well could be a spider plant that has seen better days. I initially thought it might be the unsightly remains of some type of crustacean platter, but there are too many odd tendrils. And speaking of odd, why is there only one adult beverage evident in this scene? Surely that’s not right…
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My old man once spoke to Orson Welles in a pub in Westminster. “Are you Orson Welles?” my dad inquired.
“Yes, dear boy. Yes, I’m afraid I am” he fired back.
They were exciting times to be alive back then.
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What else is left to accomplish once you’ve had a conversation like that, mmm? 😉
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Indeed, and to paraphrase Dr Samuel Johnson: “When a man is tired of irritating Orson Welles in a London boozer he is tired of life”
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I have to ask Brian, was the reference to a Brazilian and ‘where the red burn grows deliberate or just a happy coincidence? Another laugh out loud post :O) xx
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Guilty as charged. Despite the intial randomness of most of my little stories, there’s always some careful plotting (perhaps overly so) simmering just below the surface… 😉
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Never overly, always just enough ;O) xx
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Not many people can me giggle ona frosty London morning, but YOU, gorgeous…well you never fail.
Also: “leftover flour sack” oh my gosh…all I kept thinking was, wow I’m so glad flour comes in packets now. My hair is wild and curly, I don’t think any form of flour packaging would keep it in line.
❤️❤️❤️😂
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My hair is insanely thick, to the point that it grows OUT instead of DOWN if I let it get any length to it, reaching the point where I can’t even walk through a doorway. So we keep it nicely buzzed for safety reasons… 😉
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I’m glad I keep my knives handy and sharp.
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I’m sure that you do… 😉
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Is that really Orson Wells? I mean, he takes up so little space in the photo, so I doubt it. It is not that I am saying Orson is HUUGE – but his ego is. Especially compared to other Hollywood egos.
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Yes, it’s Orson, well before he (and what was left of his ego) began shilling Paul Masson wines on TV in the late 70s…
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I’m not well at the moment, and this post gave me a much needed laugh. Thanks so much, Brian.
Couldn’t Errol and Orson have at least scraped together enough cash to go and buy Rita a giant chocolate cake for her birthday?
Is that a baby Triffid growing on the table in front of Errol?
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That was one of my first thoughts as well, with the cake angle. All of these people have money, or at least pretend like they do, so somebody surely could have slapped together a more admirable birthday feast. Those movie people, eh?
And I like the baby Triffid angle. Good eye!
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Rita had BLONDE hair?? Or is it merely bad lighting? Joan Crawford may have done the Brazilian (I fell on the floor, laughing my sizable ass off at the ‘red burn’ reference btw)…but how come the esthetician doing the work missed her eyebrows? Those things were once mistaken for a forest and a lumberjack or two probably is still wandering around in there trying to hew their way out (even though the woman is long dead. Hair continues to grow after death – a little trivial tid bit that is offered because again I’m rambling and it’s a way of repaying you for your patience). I realize the eyebrows and where the Brazilian are applied are at opposite ends of the er,.. spectrum, but geezus may. I have had a Brazilian and IMHO? Those things are highly overrated and can leave a person with a wicked burn and a huge distrust of anyone applying wax to areas that rarely see the sunshine and should be left hirsute. IMHO of course.
I am of the opinion that the girl/woman sitting next to Errol Flynn (and my GAWD did he ever let himself go or WHAT? I had this mind image of him, clean shaven and buckling of swash and now that’s all destroyed… ) the woman/girl had garnered a piranha for the burrito cake because one can tell she is wildly jealous that her girls are NEVER gonna measure up to Ms. Hayworth’s. Even when Ms. Hayworth is in her 80s. Careful fellows…them things could put an eye out!
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Some random thoughts to complete your not-so-random thoughts…
Yes, Rita would go blond at times, such as this instance when she was filming “The Lady from Shanghai”, directed by Orson, whom she was in the process of divorcing during the filming. I’m sure that made for some rousing discussions on the set…
I think all estheticians were terrified of touching Joan’s hedgerows during her heyday. You could lose a career in the snap of her dominating fingers.
I don’t get the Brazilian thing. This may not sit well with some of my lovely digital friends, but I’ll take the risk…
The child next to Errol only had a career because she was sitting next to Errol. This was not the first time such things happened…
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In my humblest of opinions, MEN should never ever have to know the horrors of the Brazilian wax. Unless they have a partner (of either or both genders) that insist hairless is best. I did it (a few times) when I was part and parcel of the nudist enclave…unsightly hair in that venue? Not done by women with taste. Some of the men, come to think of it, could have used a slight wax, as the word “bear” took on new meaning. And I did for a lover I had once who was a very hygienically minded and fastidious man. He liked certain aspects of our frolic that involved stuff I can’t talk about here … and cleanliness? Mandatory. But would I do it again? Especially now? (brazilian in case you lost track in my ramblings) .. No. It wasn’t too bad until I got the trainee. Note for anyone interested: DO NOT let a ‘student’ practice doing the Brazilian on you. You’ll regret it and understand fully what “red burn” really means. I lost flesh. Literally.
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“Oh Errol, I would do everything, just to be like him ……” now I have that song stuck in my head (by Australian Crawl, if you didn’t know).
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I must immediately race off and peruse this Australian Crawl…
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They were a great band in their day
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I may have said this before, but you do a fine Orson. Truly. Top-notch and all that.
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Did you know that he directed “Citizen Kane”? I was stunned to find this out… 😉
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