Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #473

Greta: “I’m so excited that we’re getting our picture taken!”

Hans: “Oh, please. I’m a year older than you, and let me assure you that this will get tiresome really fast.”

Greta: “You’re such a pessimist, Hans. You’re just mad because you’re wearing obscenely ridiculous shorts.”

Hans: “Like those idiotic bows in your hair are any less obscene?”

Greta: “Don’t be bitter. Mommy and Daddy like me better and they gave me these beautiful bows to show that I’m a princess.”

Hans: “Of course they like you better. You’re the newest model on the factory line. That’s how it works in this family.”

Greta: “Factory line? What on earth do you and your outdated bow-tie mean?”

Hans: “It means that Mommy and Daddy are obsessed with being trendy, so they keep procreating in the hopes of always having the most current product. Once you’re thirty seconds past your expiration date, you’re history, just like our older brothers and sisters.”

Greta: “We have older brothers and sisters?”

Hans: “That’s exactly my point.”

Greta: “I still think you’re just jealous of my beauty.”

Hans: “Take a gander at our boots. They are the exactly the same. Do you know what this means?”

Greta: “That there’s only one cobbler in town?”

Hans: “That we have to fit a certain mold. And once you no longer fit that mold, your butt is sent out to pasture, no matter how many ribbons you’re wearing.”

Narrator: “And thus began the Hollywood tradition of valuing youth over talent…”

Suddenly, Cher and her hair walk into the room. “Girl, don’t listen to your nasty brother. Men are always a disappointment, even in the trial-size version.”

Greta: “Wow, you’re very pretty. I like the way your face looks so moist.”

Hans: “That’s because she just had it delivered this morning. That’s not an earring on her left side, that’s a price tag.”

Cher, ripping off said tag and handing it to a hovering assistant: “Look, sonny, I’m not going to argue with someone shorter than me who doesn’t know what they are talking about. I did too much of that in my first marriage, back before Columbus took credit for discovering a country that had already been discovered.”

Hans: “I don’t understand what your point might be.”

Cher: “Of course you don’t. Testosterone does that to a man, turning them into rutting animals who deny the rutting when they’re trying to get nominated to the Supreme Court. Anyway, I’ve got a concert in a few hours and I need to run. Sister Girl, you wanna come with so we can discuss how to surgically change everything about you and turn back time just to make us relevant in this disposable society?”

Greta: “It’s what I’ve always dreamed of, ever since, well, yesterday when I was born. Will I get to wear a thong and a feather boa just like you?”

Cher: “It’s covered under most insurance plans.”

The two joined hands and scampered away into the night. Well, one of them scampered. The other one had to ride a golf cart and hope that said cart didn’t hit a vicious pothole that would cause face-slippage.

Hans: “I think I missed a very important day of school at some point.”

Narrator: “It’s okay, Hans. None of us ever really know what is happening at Bonnywood.”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 12/09/16. Considerably revised and extended for this post. For the record, I love me some Cher, so there’s no need to send hate mail. Besides, she will outlast all of us…


18 replies »

  1. ROFLOL As I view your blog there is a “More on section below and I caught a screen shot of the OMG funny suggestion they have for me. I pulled a screen shot but I can’t manage to get it to paste into your comment box so I’m uploading and trying to post a link here. Here’s hoping you can see it because, according to WordPress, “Hans is back!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cher and Ms. Dolly…yep. Queens of the Plastic Moistness. The photo? Priceless. Hans, with his already world weary and jaded little face, and Greta with hopefulness and joy upon hers. Let’s hope their version of the Hollywood (or Bonnywood) story includes stones and not bread crumbs. One can never trust those pesky magpies and ravens. Come to think of it, isn’t that the plumage Cher uses for most of her costumes? Because black is classic and timeless. Greta, in time, will come to have the same jaded and world weary look upon her fair brow, especially if she happens to innocently (swear) attend any parties at certain Frat houses where in the future of America is decided by men-boys sporting the correct couture and no underwear. One must be commando if one is become a judge…. apparently. I always did wonder what they wore under those robes…and I hope I never EVER get to see. Literally.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is a perfectly brilliant response to the travesty that is happening with Trump’s (and the Republican Party’s) complete denial that the man that they have fingered (let your mind run with that image, or not) is completely unsuited to be on the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh’s complete meltdown during the confirmation hearings should be proof positive that he is SO wrong for America, with our founding fathers roiling in their graves, but the bullying, vindictive, tattered remains of the Republican Party value conquest over decency.

      Yeah, I’m a little bit pissed about all this. And I’m sure Greta will be joining me in the protest marches, if she can get clearance from her misguided parents…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve been scared to ask, but this is a ‘safe’ place right? That waste of time got IN didn’t he? Geezus mae. I wish American could ‘turn back time’ but it probably wouldn’t make any difference, would it? *sigh*

        Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Lynette. If Cher turns back time one more notch, she might find herself existing before this planet did. Just let things go and embrace the decay. All of us folks without any spare cash have to do it, why shouldn’t Scare. Oops, I mean Cher…

      Liked by 1 person

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