Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #452

Orson Welles, left: “Why are you staring at me like that? Can’t a guy watch a movie in peace?”

Joseph Cotten, right: “Well, I couldn’t help but notice that you appear to be… attending to a self-pleasure ritual that is not quite appropriate for our establishment.”

Orson: “Look, I paid for my ticket. What’s the big deal?”

Joseph: “The deal is that the performance should be on the screen, not in the audience.”

Waldo, way in the background, hollering: “Hey Joseph, your wife is on the phone. Something about a goat that got loose.”

Joseph: “Not now, Waldo. Bit of a situation, here. Take a message.”

Waldo: “But she really wants to talk to you. I’m guessing the goat is doing something that it shouldn’t.”

Joseph: “I know the feeling.”

Orson: “Are you calling me a goat?”

Joseph: “I’m not calling you anything. But I am saying that you need to put the wick away. That candle can’t burn here.”

Orson: “Do you have any idea who you’re dealing with? I could have your job.”

Joseph: “And I would gladly give it to you. But until that happens, let’s downplay the foreplay.”

Waldo, still way back there and still hollering: “Now your wife is crying and saying that you don’t love her.”

Joseph: “I don’t love anyone right at the moment. I’ve got so much angst in me right now that I just want to head into the alley and take it out on a trashcan.

Orson: “I already tried that and it didn’t work. That’s why I’m in here.”


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 11/03/16 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 01/08/17. Slight changes made for this post. I should point out that no chemically-buttered kernels of popcorn were physically harmed during this production, although they may still need recuperative therapy due to the visuals.

Kernel #37: “Hmm. I never knew he was a lefty.”

Kernel #26: “But at least we now know why he made such big movies. He was clearly trying to make up for a bit of a shortcoming.”

Kernel #15: “Now, now. We can’t all be big and fluffy. Some of us end up at the bottom of the bucket through no fault of our own.”


18 replies »

  1. OH MY GAW…… BWAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!! The visual sorta seared my virtual eye pans TOO actually. I’m glad Mr. Cotten had a prudish bone or two and was willing to share it (oh heck….I shouldn’t use the word “BONE” in this reply, should I? Too much like what is going on in Mr. Orson’s lap. ) I just hope no squirtage occurs and hits an innocent woman, just trying to enjoy her lunch, in the head. That sticky stuff is impossible to get out! (envision “There’s Something About Mary” and the hair “gel” scenario if a visual is required. I’ve never gotten over THAT…probably why I still refuse to use hair gel. I just don’t know where it has been…) The squirtage comment is courtesy of one sibling, who as a boy loved fish and chips (don’t lose interest…there is a connection. Really). We went to Dees ™ – the second dining establishment in Utah in the 60s for folks of good moral character who had children and wanted to feed everybody for less than $50. My brother got his fish and chips and upon trying to get the tartar sauce on the fish, squirted it and it landed in the hair of the woman in the next booth. She was NOT AMUSED. I think my father ended up shelling out some money so she wouldn’t call the manager and have us tossed out for frivolous ‘condiment abuse…”

    Liked by 1 person

    • I swear, you have GOT to sit down and write out all these family stories, the good ones, the bad ones, and the messy ones. People would pay top dollar for such a thing. Okay, maybe only people that I know, but still. Of course, one can just imagine how the scandals would rock Utah, but that would just make you even more popular, with folks outside of Utah. You could be on Ellen!

      Ellen: “Dame Melanie, could you take this packet of tartar sauce and recreate the scene. Not on me, of course, as I don’t do tartar sauce, so to speak. But we’ve got lots of big-haired ladies in the audience who would volunteer.”

      Dame Melanie: “Gee, I don’t know…”

      Ellen: “Come on, it’ll be fun! There’s already plenty of stains on this coffee table.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.