A long time ago and very far away, before people began paraphrasing the opening line from Star Wars because they couldn’t come up with their own introduction, there was a website. This website was created by someone who didn’t have the first clue on how to create websites, and thusly there was some degree of suckage exhibited on the website. (And the creation occurred before the development of “point and click” website design, meaning actual coding was required, thereby increasing the suckage factor to an alarming degree. “Real” programmers wept if they chanced upon said site, and some of them were never the same again, resorting to drugs and alcohol to help erase the horrors encountered.)
Naturally, the site did not do very well, partially due to the weep-inducing suckage, but a healthy chunk of the failure can be attributed to the novice creator also failing to understand how to attract visitors. The naïve virgin innocently adhered to the theorem that “if you design it, they will come”. This is one of the great fallacies of the Internet. Visitors do not magically arrive on your digital doorstep. You must go out and find them, luring and cajoling and threatening the visitors with dubious schemes and trapdoors and even hints of fantastic sexual satiation awaiting at your obscure URL.
The creator really didn’t have time for all that luring mess, as he was then working for a huge corporation which demanded that he continually throw himself into the Volcano of Never-Ending Sacrifice on a daily basis. (Of course, the creator did have time to cobble together hundreds of pages and links on his nascent website, so there may have been some priority issues.) In any case, the milkshake did not draw the boys to the yard, and the site eventually went dormant, dusty and forgotten.
[Insert awkward transition of narrative from one voice to another.]
However, due to the wonders of technology and the fact that I continue to pay a tiny monthly fee to a hosting service, the site is still out there. And it actually still works, much to my amazement, considering how often Internet protocols change, where a site can run as smooth as silk one day and then become a broken wasteland the next. (Cue more weeping from the sad programmers.) So that finally brings us to the two-point purpose of this post.
One, none of my current in-progress posts have been deemed release-worthy by the review committee (consisting of Scotch and Cleo, for those in the know), and I’m scrambling for something to share. Two, if you have the time, it would be swell of you to visit the unvisited site. Now, your initial response might be, “well, since you’ve spouted considerably about the crapiness, why would I want to go there?” And that’s a valid reaction. The site is clunky, with far too much clicking required if you aren’t the type of person who especially enjoys repeatedly fondling a mouse.
But here’s the catch: the site also contains links to every one of my blog posts from all of my blogs up to that point. It’s a cornucopia of my literary expulsions prior to my move from Blogger to WordPress, snapshots from some of those cryptic blogs I reference in my “previously published in” footer notes. That being said, the abandoned literary carcasses you will encounter are in their primal state, before I resuscitated some of them with a fresh coat of lipstick and a bit of nip and tuck.
So, if you do decide to visit (and I fully understand if you don’t; I’m not sure that I would, given this questionable opportunity), you have a mission, should you accept: pick among the wreckage, see if there are any interesting stories worth salvaging that I haven’t re-purposed already, and slap the titles in the comments below.
I know this sounds complicated and a bit daunting. Most of you will run for the hills, and may the fleetness of Mercury propel you to freedom. But I know that a handful of you will at least go diddle around out of morbid curiosity, and it would thrill me if you decide to return with some selected titles. As we bloggers know, sometimes the well is Sahara-dry when attempting to come up with fresh or at least re-envisioned posts (did someone say “updated with extra flair?”), so any directional nudge you can give me would be really swell.
At the very least, I hope you have a little bit of fun peeking into my mind from several years back and learning about the original concept behind this whole “Bonnywood Manor” mess, regardless of what may transpire after that. And really, that’s the true win here, if you can call it that: A chance to step back in time and poke a stick at the keystones of where I am now.
The Crappy Site: Bonnywood Manor – A Resort for the Artistically Challenged
Cheers.
P.S. You will inevitably encounter some broken links, either due to my ineptitude or the fact that I generally pull down any posts that have already been included in one of my published books. (The entire “Paris Chronicles” series is gone, for instance.) Unless you’re a completist, there’s really no need to mention the junk links, as I no longer remember how to fix them. Just ignore and go on, which is how I deal with rabid Trump supporters who are so lost in their delusions that there is no chance of salvation.
Originally published in “Bonnywood Manor” on 09/21/16. Some changes made for this post. For the record, most of the suggestions proffered in the comments on the original post have been updated and re-released. So I do pay attention, just without any degree of planning or competence…
Categories: Blogging
Bonnywood Manor 
I Know I’m not Supposed to Touch This could be given a dust-off if you haven’t already. (Or you could re-publish the dust-off 🙂 ) And btw, the title set off an earworm – Can’t Touch This. I hope I can sleep. 😉
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“Touch” has indeed been dusted, early last year, but me thinks it might be due for an encore. And thanks for the earworm, so kind of you… 😉
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http://lageose.blogspot.com/2011/10/scotch-cat-discusses-big-people-and.html
Scotch the Cat Discusses the Big People and Their Drinking Games.
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Oh, this is one of my faves. Hmm. I might just have to do a week-long Scotch Retrospective, which will free up some time to prepare for NaNoWriMo. Two birds with one puff ball, so to speak…
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Yes please!!!
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Your wish is my command… 😉
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…[insert awkward transition of narrative from one voice to another] !! haha!:)
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Sometimes the best transition is a basic and honest one… 😉
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True, Brian!
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You do know how to turn a phrase . . . and make it sing! I enjoyed what I read ‘over there’!
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Thank you for the lovely compliment, especially since I couldn’t carry a tune if my life depended on it… 😉
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I, too, used to attend the Volcano of Never-Ending Sacrifice. Glad you got out. Nice checking up on Scotch’s past shenanigans.
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But at least the Volcano taught us that we can get burned a lot and still carry on… 😉
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Another vote for I Know I’m Not Supposed to Touch This! That one was funny and cute. Always a winning combination. 😄
I’ll have to go back in and read more from your old site. Everything I’ve read there so far has been quite entertaining. As usual. 😉
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Okay, that’s two votes for “Touch”, which means I will happily seize the opportunity for a re-post, as I can be VERY lazy sometimes. (Shh, don’t tell anyone…)
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Haha, I make no promises but I may zip over if I ever come up for air. Fall is here and the touring has begun. Yippeeee, playtimes ahead errrr cough cough, work, it’s work. Yes, much work. Bwah ha ha
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I trust that you will eventually make your way to the site, so I’m thanking you in advance, even though I’m jealous that you are able to use the phrase “Yippeeee” when talking about your work. I don’t think I ever did that… 😉
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🙂 I hope you find a yippeee kinda job or a way to make yours Yippeee.
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I cheated and picked the oldest funny I could find sooooo Bwah ha ha
http://lageose.blogspot.com/2012/04/10-messages-i-am-telepathically-sending.html
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Oh, I forgot all about that one, and I’m fairly certain that I’ve never re-purposed that little rant. I’ll see what I can do…
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I must have read this before, but I don’t remember going to the site. So I click on it and… it’s loading… loading… loading… Listen, I’ll get back to you when it… loading… loading… seriously man, what did you do, retype War and Peace?… loading… loading…
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Dang. I really wanted you to see the design of the site, because I think you’d really like it, despite the clunky signs of a novice taking a bigger bite than he should have. Maybe you could try again? Pretty please with sugar on top…
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Oh, I forgot to return after it finally loaded! (I don’t know how much was due to the site or my shaky internet service.) I left the window open, silly boy. I didn’t give up. 🙂
Anyway, the site had a certain elegant flair and the color scheme soothing. As for posts, I vote with barbtaub on the Scotch retrospective. I think that sounds brilliant.
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I’ve ‘opened in new tab’ for a visit after I’ve finally caught up here. Will I need to pack sandwiches and a thermos?
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You might want to grab the tent as well, just in case you need to stay overnight. There are hundreds of stories…
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Here are some titles… Maybe some of these you’ve already re-purposed…?
10 Thrilling Moments Whilst Taking the Cat to the Vet
The Twenty-Second One: A Challenge, Of Sorts (the Madame in this story is delightfully formidable)
http://lageose.blogspot.com/2010/01/idiot-fondue-case-study-17.html
Plus, I like the Case Studies idea.
I’m going to leave it at that because I’m in danger of spending all day on this other website. But I did want to say I love your early pieces, and your humour and observations.
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Thank you so much for your suggestions and kind words. I see what I can do about resurrecting some of these. The Case Studies are a lot of fun, but for some reason they don’t always do well when I share them on Bonnywood, but that just makes it a challenge and I will happily embrace it… 😉
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Holy crow. An actual site, designed using java script (?), html, and other phrases only ‘olde tyme’ programmers over a certain age will understand. I stand in awe. And will have to greedily peruse those clever little category buttons. I’ve already clicked on some of the links that your commentors provided as ‘re-fits’…and I’ll come again and add my eighty nine cents to the cause.
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To be honest, I’m amazed when I look back and see that I actually knew (sort of) what I was doing when it came to designing a website, all those years ago. Things are different now on on the platform where I created said mess, as you can basically point and click instead of truly design, but at one point I spoke code with the best of them. The sad part? I don’t remember a damn thing about how I did any of that. Then again, I often don’t remember what I was doing two minutes ago…
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Scampering back….I would say that ANYTHING in the “Sagacity” area would be appropriate and apt and greatly appreciated … especially given the upcoming 2019 Debacle In The Making as greedy and soulless politicians from both sides of the party (there’s one now you realize, not two or four any more) vie to win votes and get folks to ‘like’ them on places like Face Space and its cronies. Those lists of ten things to say to rabid right wingers (both I and II) would be very welcomed in my opinion.
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Oh, the “Sagacity” series. I only posted a handful of those things, but I have a big-ass folder of further diatribes that were never released. The one thing you should do, should you hear about my untimely demise, is contact one of my family members (my sister Dawn would be the primary target, married surname Kallenberger) and insist that all hard drives in my home be sent to you for proper curation and eventual sharing. There are so many stories seen only by me…
Hmm. Now I’m wondering why I’m concerned about my untimely demise. Still, if I may be so blunt, don’t let my words die if I do…
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Never fear. I have tucked that little tid bit away for future reference, because although I’m your elder by five years, women often out live men and such things might come to pass. But I’m hoping it’s the other way ’round and you are the one who is tottering around long after I’ve passed on. You’re welcome to my scrawlings too, but be warned. My siblings (who are the ones who will have to deal with whatever I leave behind) might just shove all things paper related into some big ass box and ship it off to you. So you might find old paper napkins, some receipts for things bought in 1987, the failed attempt I made at keeping a record of my expenditures, and old post cards. Or one of my siblings wife might do that. She does NOT understand our clan’s need to hoard…
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