Note: This is another Crusty Pie post where the original is a bit lackluster. So, let’s mess around with it, shall we?
Actually, the original is so insipid that I can’t bear to share it again. I have no idea why I thought it was clever at one point. Perhaps it was a hormonal issue? Who knows. We’ll just let it die a dusty death. (If you’re a completist, you can find that original over on Crusty Pie. But really, it’s not worth the click.) Fair warning: Some of these rewinds are very trivia-based. Prepare yourselves accordingly.
Rewind, Take Two.
Clark Gable, left: “What is it that we’re doing again?”
Claudette Colbert, right: “We’re hitch-hiking. It’s very popular these days, what with it being the Great Depression and all. The poor people can’t afford cars or contraceptives, and this is the only way they can get to the theaters to see our movies.”
Clark: “But we’re not poor. We’re movie stars, and guys who look vaguely German drive us wherever we need to go. Why do we have to do this?”
Claudette: “We need to pretend that we are just like poor people, so they can identify with us and want to be us and watch every picture we make.”
Clark: “You’re really focused on getting people to go see movies.”
Claudette: “And you should be, too, if you want to keep being in them.”
Clark: “But if they’re poor, how can they buy a ticket?”
Claudette: “You silly goose. That’s how business works in America. You convince people to spend what little money they have on things they don’t really need. It’s called capitalism.”
Rewind, Take Three.
Reporter: “Clark! Claudette! What do you think of the Trump Administration?”
Rewind, Take Four.
Abandoned and disheveled overcoat on the left: “Momma told me there’d be days like this…”
Rewind, Take Five.
Abandoned and disheveled bush on the right: “I used to be the president of this country…”
Rewind, Take Six.
Clark: “So I was wondering…”
Claudette: “Yes, the rumors are true. Your legendary false teeth have a legendary smell. I’m surprised you haven’t been stabbed in a dark alley.”
Clark: “Really? You didn’t seem to have a problem with that during our tryst last night.”
Claudette: “Luckily, your interesting choice of positioning meant your mouth was nowhere near my nose. But this morning, when you rolled over and asked if it was good for me? My pillow burst into flames and they had to evacuate the hotel. I think you need to register that weapon.”
Rewind, Take Seven.
Claudette: “So I was wondering…”
Clark: “Yes, the rumors are true. I’m also dating Carole Lombard, among others. I believe that life is a buffet and you should sample every dish.”
Claudette: “Interesting. But no, I’m more concerned about your false advertising.”
Clark: “We make movies. Everything is false.”
Claudette: “Yes, but I specifically mean that giant hand you have hovering near your crotch. It speaks of toe-curling orgasms and poor life decisions based on such. But since I’ve sampled your buffet, I know that the drapes don’t match the carpet. There hasn’t been that much lack of penetration since the Republicans pretended to investigate Kavanaugh.”
Rewind, Take Eight.
Claudette: “Why is my face so much bigger than my hair?”
Rewind, Take Nine.
Clark: “Why are my ears so much bigger than… Jupiter?”
Rewind, Take Ten.
Way in the background, a forlorn piano waits for Billy Joel to sing us a song tonight. Because we’re all in the mood for a melody, with all the cultural divides clashing around us, and we just want to be feelin’ alright…
Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 04/06/15. Clearly revised for this post, with the original script abandoned completely. Say, if you have your own snippet to add to this mess, please sound off in the comments by stepping up to the microphone that smells like a beer…
Categories: Past Imperfect