Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #126 (Variations on a Theme)

Note: This is another Crusty Pie post where the original is a bit lackluster. So, let’s mess around with it, shall we?


Original Take.

Actually, the original is so insipid that I can’t bear to share it again. I have no idea why I thought it was clever at one point. Perhaps it was a hormonal issue? Who knows. We’ll just let it die a dusty death. (If you’re a completist, you can find that original over on Crusty Pie. But really, it’s not worth the click.) Fair warning: Some of these rewinds are very trivia-based. Prepare yourselves accordingly.


Rewind, Take Two.

Clark Gable, left: “What is it that we’re doing again?”

Claudette Colbert, right: “We’re hitch-hiking. It’s very popular these days, what with it being the Great Depression and all. The poor people can’t afford cars or contraceptives, and this is the only way they can get to the theaters to see our movies.”

Clark: “But we’re not poor. We’re movie stars, and guys who look vaguely German drive us wherever we need to go. Why do we have to do this?”

Claudette: “We need to pretend that we are just like poor people, so they can identify with us and want to be us and watch every picture we make.”

Clark: “You’re really focused on getting people to go see movies.”

Claudette: “And you should be, too, if you want to keep being in them.”

Clark: “But if they’re poor, how can they buy a ticket?”

Claudette: “You silly goose. That’s how business works in America. You convince people to spend what little money they have on things they don’t really need. It’s called capitalism.”


Rewind, Take Three.

Reporter: “Clark! Claudette! What do you think of the Trump Administration?”


Rewind, Take Four.

Abandoned and disheveled overcoat on the left: “Momma told me there’d be days like this…”


Rewind, Take Five.

Abandoned and disheveled bush on the right: “I used to be the president of this country…”


Rewind, Take Six.

Clark: “So I was wondering…”

Claudette: “Yes, the rumors are true. Your legendary false teeth have a legendary smell. I’m surprised you haven’t been stabbed in a dark alley.”

Clark: “Really? You didn’t seem to have a problem with that during our tryst last night.”

Claudette: “Luckily, your interesting choice of positioning meant your mouth was nowhere near my nose. But this morning, when you rolled over and asked if it was good for me? My pillow burst into flames and they had to evacuate the hotel. I think you need to register that weapon.”


Rewind, Take Seven.

Claudette: “So I was wondering…”

Clark: “Yes, the rumors are true. I’m also dating Carole Lombard, among others. I believe that life is a buffet and you should sample every dish.”

Claudette: “Interesting. But no, I’m more concerned about your false advertising.”

Clark: “We make movies. Everything is false.”

Claudette: “Yes, but I specifically mean that giant hand you have hovering near your crotch. It speaks of toe-curling orgasms and poor life decisions based on such. But since I’ve sampled your buffet, I know that the drapes don’t match the carpet. There hasn’t been that much lack of penetration since the Republicans pretended to investigate Kavanaugh.”


Rewind, Take Eight.

Claudette: “Why is my face so much bigger than my hair?”


Rewind, Take Nine.

Clark: “Why are my ears so much bigger than… Jupiter?”


Rewind, Take Ten.

Way in the background, a forlorn piano waits for Billy Joel to sing us a song tonight. Because we’re all in the mood for a melody, with all the cultural divides clashing around us, and we just want to be feelin’ alright…


Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 04/06/15. Clearly revised for this post, with the original script abandoned completely. Say, if you have your own snippet to add to this mess, please sound off in the comments by stepping up to the microphone that smells like a beer…


17 replies »

  1. Reporter: What do you think of the Trump administration?
    Claudette: I heard about this guy and his teeny tiny hands. But I don’t care about that. The real problem is that you don’t know where they’ve been.
    Clark: Eh? Dump? Is he the mob guy running the landfill racket?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Claudette: “Hold up, Clark. You’ve just given me the inspiration to write a book about a mob boss running the country into the ground.”

      Clark: “Be sure to point out that he didn’t get there on his own. It took a lot of jacked-up people to make this happen.”

      Reporter: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but ‘An American Tragedy’ was already written be Theodore Dreiser in 1925.”

      Claudette: “That doesn’t matter. Republicans can’t remember anything beyond what they had for breakfast.”

      Liked by 1 person

      • Maybe the giant things…hands, face, hair, ears. I got a little freaked out thinking those people were constructs for the Thing that Ate Hollywood…(which in an odd way I think they DID)… Clark Gable always struck me as being rather short statured, and no offense to short men, but um, the equipment is usually size appropriate, which made the giant hand thing all the more terrifying. Because guys with big feet or hands…well I ain’t going THERE, but I know it’s true. On an unrelated subject, I have a little movie I viewed the other night which deserves a robust lampoon. Only you can fulfill the need, I’m simply not up to the task…”Big Bad Mama” in which Angie Dickinson did a full frontal nudity scene, and I got to see way more of Tom Skerrit and William Shatner than was really necessary. All of them (save Dickinson and why do aging ‘babes’ always want to show their tits to somebody? It’s just sad for all concerned) were pretty young, but my gawd. Did they even have censors in them days? Or, being from Utah and never having anything that WASN’T censored shown to me, am I just naive?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I have actually seen “Big Bad Mama”, way back in the day when we first got HBO and my young ass (let’s say I was around 12 or so) got to discover the joys of watching racy movies after they went to bed. (They actually didn’t care I was doing such, as we also watched them before they wandered off, but I was more comfortable about my infatuation when they weren’t in the same room.) I don’t really remember the plot, but I do remember thinking “hey, isn’t that Police Woman?”…


          • She was “Police Woman”, but the crap she got up to in “BBM” was far from legal…and I’d caution you about watching that again, aside from the incredibly lascivious ‘story’ (everybody f*cked everybody else at some point), it was one of the stupider films I’ve forced myself to sit through. At least it was free, being on Amazon Prime and therefore of no cost to their customers. A rough sketch of the plot:

            Po’ woman from (it might have actually been Oklahoma and if it was, sorry..) somewhere dusty and poverty stricken in the 30s (what place in America wasn’t in the 30s?) .. goes to a wedding of her about 14 year old daughter (?) to some yahoo who wants to dip his wick and the girl (literally) won’t until the ring is on her finger and he’s bought that cow (mwahaha…cow reference *snicker* 😉 ) Mama decides inbred Jed and his kin aren’t rich enough/good enough for her little girl (who brings a dolly to her actual DOLL) um..WTF? I should have turned away at this point because the loose binding and grinding cheesiness of the whole thing was making me slightly ill, but I persevered. Anyway to cut this short.. “Mama” (as in Big and Bad) goes on a crime spree, gathering more and more money as she rolls along, as well as gathering men (Tom Skerrit and William Shatner among them). Mama and her two girls explore Skerritt A LOT, I haven’t seen that much porking since they aired that hog raising video at the FFA..but I digress. At the end Mama (who is the clear leader of the little gang of five), decides kidnapping some rich guy’s daughter is a great way to get a LOT of money all at once and end this nickle and dime shit….plus it might be less dangerous because someone’s always getting shot. They grab the girl, who seduces Shatner, who has been left to guard her while Skerritt and Mama and the girls go off to do some dumbass thing elsewhere, there’s a huge blazing gun battle with the inept police who have been chasing Mama since her crime spree began, and Mama is killed, along with Skerritt and Shatner. The two sisters (one of whom is bun heavy) hold their mama’s dead corpse and bawl. The End. (FEH. I’m getting a bad taste just remembering this … eww) Now. Within the frame work of all that, we see Police Woman’s tits about ten times and her whole naked front once, we get butt shots of Skerrit and Shatner, as well as their ‘manly’ chests… Um. Wow. Sorry to have hogged the comments once again. Annndddd OVER TO YOU.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I have no idea how to respond to this. Wait, yes I do. It’s brilliant, in a way that Siskel and Ebert could never have hoped to be, even on their good days. I feel a little bad that this excellence is buried way down here in the comments, meaning hardly anyone has seen it. It’s tragic how some of our finest work is often buried in such a manner, queens of commentary that we are.

              Thought bubble: Maybe you could start a little series on your blog where you review other movies in this manner? I know you have done similar reviews in the past, but maybe we could amp it up and give you an alter ego where you are earthy but wise, and you rate movies from one to five cows or some such. I don’t know. I’m essentially babbling, as it’s late on a Saturday night and I’m still suffering from the effects of eating a HUGE platter of bacon and chive cheese fries at one of our fave restaurants by the name of “Snuffer’s”. (Sounds sordid, right?) I also had their “burger of the month”, which I usually get because they are often quite interesting, this one involving bacon marmalade, bacon strips, grilled onions and Swiss cheese. I wept openly with joy, as it was beyond delish.

              Hmm. I seem to have strayed from my original point. So, um, back to you? 😉


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