10 Reasons Why

40 Important Life Lessons We’ve Learned from Horror Movies

Dragging another bit of Halloween mess out of the archives…

 

1. If you have stupidly stored an important item in a basement where the light flickers, you just need to forget about it and buy a new one.

2. If the hotel clerk hands you the registration book for you to sign, and the page is dusty and blank, get back in the car.

3. Do not assume that a massive flock of birds flying overhead is simply natural migration.

4. If an apartment neighbor gifts you with a necklace that smells like tannis root, smile politely, escort them to the door, hurl the necklace into the fireplace, and start packing.

5. The last house on either side of the street is not a preferred destination.

6. Large groups of identical, blond-headed children are a warning sign, not a photo op.

7. If Jamie Lee Curtis shows up at a cocktail party, run.

8. If she shows up at the sequel, run faster.

9. Never investigate any noise that sounds like a chainsaw.

10. I don’t care how sexy he is, if his hands are cold, the deal is off. Move on.

11. If the furniture in your daughter’s room is levitating, don’t you think it’s time to get her out of that room? Stop asking people to come in to the room and poke at her, especially if they know Latin.

12. One questionable grisly death at the isolated resort is enough. Why would you sit around the next morning and try to figure things out over coffee? Go!

13. Pizza delivery guys can never be trusted. Have him leave the box on the porch and shove money under the locked door. Especially if you didn’t even order.

14. If the quaint little tourist town or a nearby lake has a really pretty, serene name, you need to change your vacation plans.

15. Do not grab a bucket and head to the ice machine after midnight whilst wearing a skimpy nighty and a whiff of vulnerability.

16. If the people you are looking for in the abandoned warehouse don’t answer the first time you call their names, just assume that things didn’t work out for them and you need to skedaddle. You’ll make new friends.

17. If you repeat any phrase multiple times in front of a mirror, you’re just asking for it.

18. The very first time you sense something odd in the restored Victorian home that you just had to have? That’s the time to leave. Don’t sit around for days in a frumpy sweater, looking sad, wondering if you’ve made the right decision to buy this place. You didn’t. Take the financial hit and start over.

19. If the babysitter you are contemplating hiring is wearing better lipstick than your own, terminate the interview and change the locks.

20. Hoarded food hidden under the bed means the relationship is over.

21. Socially-awkward girls with puritanical mothers should never be underestimated.

22. If you spy a want-ad for a winter caretaker at a Colorado hotel, throw the newspaper away before your husband sees it. And get rid of any axes that might be lying around.

23. Never eat almond cookies.

24. Don’t have wanton, promiscuous sex if you want to make it to the second half of the movie. (Cheerleaders usually go first, add that to your notes.)

25. Former child stars have a lot of bitterness.

26. If someone says to you “try and get some sleep now,” you’re next. Sorry.

27. Always keep a supply of lumber, nails and hammers in your car trunk, because you never know when you might be in a rural area where you suddenly need to reinforce a rickety farmhouse that has the symbol of a goat over the front door.

28. Pancake makeup is a sign of depravity. Trust.

29. If you can’t get a signal on your phone, you shouldn’t be wherever you are.

30. If you happen upon children’s handprints on cellar walls, you have roughly one second to shake off the demonic spell affecting you or you’re toast. (But if you do manage to get away, make sure you backhand the hipster chick who is hollering “Josh? Josh!!” with annoying repetitiveness. That’s not helping things.)

31. There are a lot of delusional people who live in ancient, fog-bound English manor houses.

32. Best-selling authors need to pay more attention to their fans. Dirty birds.

33. Learn how to run without falling down at a really inappropriate time.

34. Neighbors who bring a house-warming gift of freshly-baked goods are often possessed by spirits from the ancient burial ground under their house. Don’t eat anything until you have reviewed old land records at the Town Hall.

35. There is absolutely no good reason why anyone should go camping. Ever.

36. People who wear striped sweaters should be avoided at all costs.

37. Try to make your neck as unattractive as possible.

38. Don’t ever say something along the lines of “Cemeteries don’t scare me. I find them peaceful.”

39. Don’t open the closet door.

40. Don’t. Go. To. Sleep.

 

Note: Some of these guidelines pertain to very specific movies, making a few of them a bit cryptic. Extra special bonus points go to the first person to identify the movie referenced in #23.

Previously published in “Bonnywood Manor” on 10/31/14 and 06/04/17.

Story behind the photo: Me, trying on Halloween masks. That’s one creepy bunny, eh?

 

51 replies »

  1. Yep that’s pretty much every horror film ever made. The almond cookie thing was driving me mad so I went and looked it up on Wiki (who begged me for money incidentally, when did that happen?) so I can’t claim my bonus points but I do now know the answer so I’ll have to find something else to obsess about all day ;O)
    As an aside, I’ve always wondered why actors in horror movies go wandering about in the dark all the time; I’m sure there’d be far fewer eviscerations if one of the dopey sods would just turn the light on!
    xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hahaha. Great post. 🙂

    I also know the answer to 23, but had to look it up.
    I was raised on Hollywood movies. Everyone knows that the only way to handle a basement is to get a kichen knife, make sure the lights are off and slowly descend the stairs, blade raised. What other way is there?
    😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, it’s very important that one trips over something insignificant, like a pocket of air, and then spends at least ten minutes wallering around on the floor, unable to find the knife that we can plainly see is a mere two inches from their hand…

      Like

  3. BWAHAHAHHAHA!!! This is getting reblogged. RIGHT NOW. And if I tried to run ANYWHERE? Just take it that the demons/evil children/Jamie Lee Curtis/ghost has WON. And lock YOUR door. I might know where you live….

    Also #6? Is S.O.P. for Northern Utah and certain parts of Southern Idaho. Where do you think they got those plots FROM? 😉

    Mwahahahhahahhahah…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I would also have some issues with the running as well. I’m too anal about things, and I would be torn between tidying up my house in case I do perish and running for my life. Whilst I stand there in a tizzy, doom ensues…

      Really with #6? Hmm. [Sounds of scribbling as I update my bucket list on places to visit in this lifetime…]

      Like

      • The #6 phenomenon in these parts is because of the hold-outs from the old polygamy days..who refused to admit that it was a bad idea and have continued to fornicate within their ‘clan’…producing a lot of children (one guy had 57 of them I believe). These sorts usually live in compounds where they grow their own – among which is corn. Now is that creepy enough for Halloween (or any other time)? I was informed recently by someone who has a morbid fascination with the sister wife concept (although doesn’t practice it…so far as I know) that one of these clans is alive and thriving about 20 miles north of me (in Idaho). I’ve seen some of those women in Wal*Mart and they dress like it’s 1818, not 2018…even down to the bonnet things. And all their kids look identical. It’s creepy as hell.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I was wondering about #23! Since I don’t watch horror movies, I don’t have a clue. But have seen an adequate number of scenes from the horror movies, I appreciate your advice! 😂😜😱

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I grew up with horror movie and just waiting for my kids to be both in right age to have horror marathons with me but that almond cookie I didn’t get it at first but then yes,.great list and indeed precious fact for an heathy long life

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I’m excited FOR you about your darling angels getting to be the right age. Scary movies can be a lot of fun when you’re in the right frame of mind, and I have lots of good memories of watching them with family and friends. Of course, some of the movies made me wonder if my family members were getting ideas about what to do with ME, but that’s an entirely different issue… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Bri
    That photo is creepy as shit and I want my mommy though she’s dead.
    Seriously a creepy rabbit is almost worse than a dead one if pregnancy was not on the top 10 most wanted life list.
    Happy Hallows Eve you big weenie.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I never use to mind a horror film, can’t abide anything squelchy though. Nothing gory thankyouverymuch. However, I’ve watched a couple over the years that I just can’t shake. Why would I knowingly put myself through an experience that will frighten and upset me?! Having said that, I’ve bravely watched some of the more recent offerings. In broad daylight. With the radio playing in the background for company. You need to know that I take #20 and #35 as personal affronts. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I knew that #35 would put a little fire in your eye, so yes, I got a wee bit of pleasure out of the tongue-in-cheek taunting. As for #20, I’m not really sure how this may apply to you personally (we all have our own circumstances), but that line is really a reference to “Girl, Interrupted”, which technically isn’t a horror movie but might as well should be…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Often have a secret stash of food under the bed! It’s usually because I’m squirrelling nice stuff to eat ready for Christmas/holiday/special occasion. I can currently boast a small cake, liqueur chocolates, miniature meringues and a bottle of apple spiced martini. Girl, Interrupted, what a painful film.

        Liked by 1 person

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